[7 AM at the grocery store]
Me: Wow all the old people are out early.
Me [realizing I am out with them]: Dammit.
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My jeans aren’t too small, they’re my compression pants.
*plays Eye of the Tiger*
*starts runni…*
*yeah, screw this*
*first day using my sith power*
“Hey stormtrooper, stop hitting yourself!”
Day 4 of social distancing.. My husband just challenged my kids to a Tic Tac battle (aka TikTok) .. dear god help us all.
ELMO WANT BIG HUG!!! ELMO WANT KIDS TO KNOW THAT JET FUEL COULDN’T POSSIBLY MELT STRUCTURAL STEEL
Podiatrists don’t use metric.
They only deal with feet.
My favorite bible character is the woman who wanted the baby and then when Solomon said he would cut the baby in half was like “hell yeah, gimme those legs”
mental gymnastics are fine if you can stick the landing
haha same
Google search history:
Marawana
Marjawana
Is there a j in marawana
Wheat
Wheat for smoking
Free wheet
me: time for sleep 🙂
my brain: IS IT THE “S” OR THE “C” THAT’S SILENT IN THE WORD “SCENT”???
Apparently the guy next to me and I aren’t even going to discuss who uses this armrest.
Stormtrooper 1: You ever think that maybe we’re with the bad guys?
Stormtrooper 2: Nah, lets just head back to the Death St… to the ship.
I’m at the age where I can remember things that never happened.
Did Batman know that Alfred was embezzling billions to finance a 4-person Magic act that was a front for robbing banks?
Bisexuals are lucky. To the rest of us, life is a restaurant where you’re allergic to half the items on the menu.
Liam Neeson is going to find that hour we lost.
[taco bell 2am]
*lethally stoned*
me: “nine cheesy crunchy chupacabras”
Guy at door: How would you like to make a donation to our local orphanage?
Dad: yea sure [yells up to me] son, you live with this guy now!
ESPN was showing the 1997 spelling bee smh, like a spelling bee is even a sprot.
It’s really only a Supreme Court if it comes with sour cream.
[going out]
other moms: have fun, be safe!
my mom: I don’t want to see you on Dateline later
How long before customers start noticing that the grill marks on their paninis were drawn on with a felt pen?
[INFOMERCIAL]
“Order now and receive 50% off The Clapper. CLAP ON.. CLAP OFF.. THE CLAPPER”
Tyrannosaurus rex: *Sighs… *Changes channel
An hour of interrogation later and the cat still has not revealed the location of the 4 missing puzzle pieces
Please don’t block me 😂😂😂😂
A priest, a rabbi, and a duck walk into a bar. All three of them are Scarlett Johansson.
Did you know that actors in black & white movies often put their lives in danger during driving scenes, as they weren’t able to tell if the traffic light was green or red.
[showing off scars]
ME: *lifting shirt* I’ve had this one for as long as I can remember
HER: that’s your bellybutton
I just felt a weird twitching somewhere inside me. I think it might be my liver waving a white flag.