[7 AM at the grocery store]
Me: Wow all the old people are out early.
Me [realizing I am out with them]: Dammit.
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[creation]
GOD: Let’s name some of you bugs
FLY: Me first!
GOD: Okay…Fly
FLY: Hell yeah!
BUTTERFLY: Now me!
GOD: Hmm…Butterfly
FLY: Sonuvab-
hyundai called it sonata because it’s sonata good car
Based on all of my exes I would have to say that Cupid has a wicked sense of humor.
My testicles are in The Guinness Book of Records. Got a few minutes before the librarian sees me.
This is a baby horse: it can walk 4 hours after it’s born
This is a baby human: don’t touch its head wrong or you’ll bonk its brain
Give a toddler a crayon and he will eat that crayon. Teach him how to color and he will eat more crayons.
I hate when my friends stand so close to me when pictures are being taken. It’s like they don’t know I plan on cropping them out later.
Twitter is like if the bad news bears went to a team-building retreat
sorry kids, Santa is a super spreader.
Me: are you going to be a better listener?
Pause
5: maybe is the best I can do
You gotta hand it to him. Otherwise, we can’t finish this relay race.
It takes only one person in this world to make you smile. It’s called a plastic surgeon.
“Hermit crab” describes me twice.
friend saw this guy on the apps lol
You’re not supposed to end a sentence with a preposition and two prepositions is even worse. I don’t remember what website I got that off of.
After all this Starbucks cup controversy, if Taco Bell was smart, they’d start serving their burritos in little cardboard mangers
You’re clearly insane. Ok, I’ll give you twelve more chances
Next time you yawn in front of me i’m gonna chuck a peanut m&m down your throat.
A Guy Doing Push Ups ‘One.. Two.. Three..’
*A Girl Passes by..*
Guy: “82.. 83.. 84..”
The biggest lie in advertising is someone taking a bite of a hard shell taco & it not immediately exploding in their hands.
My only stock options are chicken and beef.
Her: Are you getting off early today?
Me: THAT HAPPENED ONE TIME!
I just convinced my toddler to play Rock Paper Scissors alone because she was cheating and she just quit against herself because she was cheating
I’m not the type of superstitious idiot who worries about bad luck on Friday 13th. That’s silly. Me, I just take off to a nice quiet cabin in the woods, slaughter a pack of over-sexed teenagers, then kick back and chill.
My kid called me to tell me their car had a flat tire when they got to school.
Then pacified me with:
“Don’t worry mom, it’s only flat on the bottom.”We’re thinking Harvard.
*spreads rose petals on the bed*
[Death metal voice] “INTERCOURSE!”
The next time my middle schooler refuses to acknowledge me in public, I’m giving him a big hug and asking him when his last bowel movement was.
Award for the best actress goes to my 7YO for her performance as a starving deprived child right before bedtime
side view mirror: be careful that car on your right is pretty close
me: it’s fine there’s room
side view mirror: IT’S PRACTICALLY INSIDE YOU
Curiosity should start overthrowing the local government and drilling for oil any minute now.