Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*brings a knife to a knife fight, because I read the instructions*

ME: [backing into driveway]

WIFE: Where’s the car?

Girls who go to finishing school know all of the Mortal Kombat fatalities.

My latest invention, spinal mascara, is creating a big backlash

Me: Hello, my name is Vikki and I’m an alcoholic.
Operator: Ma’am, this is AAA.
Me: I know. I’m an alcoholic and now my car is in a ditch.

This empty bowl of cake batter taught me I shouldn’t volunteer to make cupcakes for weddings alone.

ME: I’ve brought you a house-warming present

ESKIMO: You idiot

Kids be so pure. My son was telling me how his friend’s dad works at Panda Express. I asked could he get us the hook up. My son said he didnt know but asked me why i didnt have a useful job for our life like that

Why does body wash have directions, it’s literally the name

Some of you act like your mom never went out of town and left you with a babysitter, but the babysitter died and you had to get a job as a fashion designer and become caretaker to your 4 siblings, all while you fell in love with the delivery guy from Clown Dog… and it shows.

I enjoy holding the door open for people who are far away so they feel like they have to run a little.

5 ants rented an apartment with 5 other ants.

Now they are tenants together.

If you’re trying to lose weight but you’re starving, eat a banana. I’ve had 73 of them today

Maybe it’s not auto correct, mayve it’s your big fat clumsy dingers.

Radiohead fans, this is for you.

If your neighbor has wind chimes, you have wind chimes.

Very funny, think he has a bet on a horse 😂

4-year-old: Can we have Oreos for dinner?

Me: Are you crazy? That’d be terrible for you.

4: Mom’s not home.

Me: *eats Oreos for dinner*

The Police come right away when you tell em your baby is locked in the car…
They don’t however think it’s cute to call your phone baby..

Judge, “Why are you holding a fire extinguisher?”

Me, “Your Honor, it’s for our protection. The witness won’t stop lying and I am afraid we may need this at any moment.”

I was swindled; step-counting doesn’t include when my memory is jogged

Cashier: “Look at all this candy! You’re going to have a lot of happy kids this Halloween”
Me: “It’s Halloween?”

I am scared of asking people how old I look cause the idiots might guess correctly.

Hot guy just walked up to me and said I was pretty so naturally I pulled out a Sharpie and drew a star on his forehead.

College is expensive, BUT your student ID saves $3 at the movies. So really it pays for itself if you go to the theater 30,000 times.

Challenge accepted.

*Handed a baby*

Awww he’s so cute. Do you have anything quieter?

me: oh god, look what the cat dragged in

wife: is it a bird?

me: yeah

mangled superman:

Today was old man training day for the boy. Lunch was pickled eggs and sandwiches and we talked about the weather. Then, over a dinner of chowder we complained about the music kids these days are listening to and then we had pie and coffee in complete silence.

What idiot called them atheists instead of non-parishables?