7: Are monsters real Mommy?
Me: Yes, they are. They’re in my office and they “reply all” on emails.
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It’s unfortunate that our feet can’t taste things because there’s so much potential in flavored socks and crocs.
please don’t invite me over if you have a leather couch that’s peeling. i will peel it some more when you’re not looking
If you watch Intervention backwards, it’s about a person partying hard after an awful family reunion.
Park Ranger: Careful, someone saw a coyote out here earlier
Me: Ok, thanks
-20 minutes later-
*drives into a rock painted like a tunnel
mugger: *points gun* your money or your life
me: sure thing *hands him my id* you got 2 kids and didn’t actually understand the matrix
mugger: no i mean-
me: *already running away* your late for steph’s recital
I watched squirrels for like an hour and thought “they don’t do ANYTHING really” and then realized I watched squirrels for like an hour
“At your cervix, m’lady”
– me as an OBGYN and also just me
every. time.
911: What’s your emergency, sir?
Me: I’m being taken away by ducks! I’m being-
911: Please don’t do this, sir
M: AbDUCKted!
911: *hangs up*
on my last dying breath saying “please… tell her I love her…” and then handing a stranger a heart locket and when they open the necklace it’s a selfie of me
My calendar says I have 18 meetings left this week. Time to go lick Maria in accounting; she’s coming down with flu.
I’ve been shelling pistachios for 3 hours now, I have 9.
me: Should I pack condoms?
wife*laughs*
me*driving*
wife*still laughing*
me*checks into the hotel*
wife*calls friend so they can both laugh*
My 10 y/o daughter informed me that “everyone knows” you can’t wear your picture day outfit again the rest of the year, like it’s some kind of 5th grade wedding dress.
If you think going for a drive isn’t cardio, you haven’t been in my passenger seat.
SHOPPER: which aisle has applesauce?
ME: oh, I don’t work here
*continues changing all the cheese Best If Purchased By dates to my name*
People who like to ask, “What do you like to do for fun?” are the reason I carry an air horn in my purse.
364 DAYS: Astrology’s silly and baseless and I’m not a conceited Leo at all
ON MY BIRTHDAY: It’s still baseless but please worship me today
I’ve gained 20lbs since the election. If Trump stays in office much longer I’ll have to chain myself to a girl in a gold bikini.
I don’t want to say that my fiancé is controlling.. it’s more that she’s BEAUTIFUL GUYS I HAVE TO GO
me: i let my cat drink the bathtub water while i was in it
priest: once again kind of weird but not a sin
good baseball player nicknames if they weren’t already taken:
– batman
– hitler
Husband: How much Halloween candy should we get?
Me: We went through 2 pounds last year.
Husband: We didn’t have any trick-or-treaters last year.
Me: *death glare*
Save on air conditioning by letting ghosts infest your house.
uncle ben: remember pete, with great power comes great responsibility
peter parker: you’re right i should stop crimes with my webs
uncle ben (scared): ok.
“And the award for Most British Name goes to…”
*Benedict Cumberbatch takes a sip of gin with his eyes closed*
“Helena Bonha-”
*spews*
“See you later alligator”
“In a whilst crocodile”
-why we fought the British for independence
If my wife calls me passive-aggressive one more time I swear to God I’m going to run the dishwasher half-empty again
Active voice: “I love your article”
Passive voice: “Your article is loved”
Passive-aggressive voice: “I love the potential this article had”