Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Is everything ok, babe? You haven’t even touched your eppe

the worst part about getting murdered has to be meeting a new person

If you think today’s generation spend too much time playing video games, you should see how much time my generation spent just waiting for the games to load.

The temperature went from 90 to 55 like it saw a state trooper

The speed walking event just looks like a group of people hurrying to get somewhere to take a shit.

What i said : I really like this song

What i meant : Shut your face for the next few minutes

Welcome to your fifties, your movie reviews are no longer thumbs up or thumbs down, they’re did I fall asleep or stay awake.

A police officer came up to me yesterday and asked, Where were you between four and five?

I said, Kindergarten.

*gets dragged out of daycare* DON’T LISTEN TO THEM! IT’S NOT A CHOO-CHOO! IT’S A SPOON!! IT’S STRAINED CARROTS IN A SPOO

When you go to the movies first thing you need to do is pour a drink in the seat in front of you so nobody can sit there..

My daughter fell hard while we were hiking, so my 3-yr old niece starts punching the ground where she fell and yelling, “I don’t like you hurting my cousin!” She’s gonna be a bodyguard or a felon one day, folks. I’m just not sure which one yet.

me: so how do you guys get around?

dumbledore: lots of ways. you can take the secret train

me: makes sense

dumbledore: fly a broomstick

me: fun

dumbledore: touch a boot and be sucked spinning through some kind of magic hellscape void

me: huh

dumbledore: bus

All I’m saying is that just once it’d be nice for the cat to be the one pointing the laser for me to chase.

@SICKOFWOLVES @funTweeters Can you drive a school bus?

waiter: would you like anything else ma’am?

me: yes please, a box for the leftovers that I will most definitely leave here on the table.

me: how much for the funny smelling spray?

employee: perfume?

me: no, the whole bottle

My husband kidnapped me for a romantic weekend away. Now I’m just lying here wondering when I’m getting out of the trunk.

One of my buddies lost his right arm in a car accident which is a huge bummer, so much money wasted on tattoos

According to my laptop, my New Year’s resolution is 1680 x 1050.

I got the Pfizer vaccine and pso pfar pno pside effects.

me: *falling asleep*

youtube: check out these top 13 most gruesome spatula related murders

me: you have my attention

[expensive restaurant date]
me: waiter, the William please

Changing my name to Shotgun so my friends call me

Dear Fox news,

I have yet to see any news about foxes.

Sincerely,
disappointed viewer.

Spending all my money on lottery tickets so I’ll either be rich or poor, none of this wishy-washy stuff in the middle

At my daughter’s 4-year checkup, the doctor said she should be eating a varied diet and to make sure she’s eating a good amount from each food group and I think she said a bit about trying new foods but not sure cause I got distracted wondering if she’d ever actually met a 4yo.

Sometimes when I’m having a particularly stressful day, I take a pregnancy test to remind myself that at least one thing in my life is still going as planned.

Nobody will remember:
– your salary
– how “busy you were”
– how many hours you worked

People will remember:
-The mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell.

My kid can’t see the backpack hanging on his doorknob but he can find a Kit-Kat bar I hid in the attic

What’s green, has six legs and would kill you if it fell out of a tree?

A billiard table.