7: Are monsters real Mommy?
Me: Yes, they are. They’re in my office and they “reply all” on emails.
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British people: Unicycle
American people: Collegecycle
My favorite childhood memory is not having a job.
Husband: *buys anything* Let’s save the box in case we need to return it.
[2 years and 250 boxes later]
Me: Honey, the kids are lost in your box maze again.
using AI to expand this shot in Fast & Furious 6 and achieve the filmmakers true vision 😌🙏
Yeah? Well the Bible also tells us that abstinence isn’t 100% effective, Mary.
[puts cone of shame on dog]
ME: (to dog) sory buddy
DOG: (to all other dogs in neighborhod) BOW DOWN TO LORD FLOFFYTON HEARER OF ALL BARKS
We buried our grandad with his exercise bike – he’s spinning in his grave.
Rey: Why do you hide behind a mask?
Kylo Ren: *takes off his mask to reveal his real face*
Rey: Wow. Put the mask back on.
cashier, scanning alcohol: ID please
my dad, every single time: [pointing to me] here’s my ID. heh
They say you’ll never forget your first kiss, but what they don’t tell you is you will also never forget the first time you throw up everything you consumed at the state fair.
*cleaning Dorito dust off of a crayon drawing of Spongebob* yeah I restore art
Over the last few months I’ve collected enough wine corks to raise the Titanic
I usually stumble upon her safe words by accident, like when I say ‘moist’ or ‘I paid full price for everything at Whole Foods’
A reality show, where you spy on your suspected cheating significant other, called Baewatch.
The eliptical I want costs $500, the cheeseburger I want cost $1, you see my dilemma?
I’m not a jealous person, unless of course you have coffee and I don’t.
I’m not saying I don’t miss my kids while I’m at work but it’s nice knowing with absolute certainty that for the eight hours I’m there no one will try to follow me into the bathroom.
Him: How many people do you think he killed in that movie?
Me: What am I? John Wickipedia?
Him: Not funny.
Therapist: And how do we respond when our horrible family member says something rude?
Me: You put the Ho in holidays
Therapist: No
Taco Bell: You need to loosen up.
Stools: OK!
Telling a woman to get back in the kitchen is a weird insult to lob on Twitter. We can still tweet from kitchens. We have wifi & data plans.
There’s just something about my posture after sitting in front of a computer for hours, a certain je ne sais quasimodo
Reports are indicating that Ivanka Trump may take on some roles of the First Lady. Still no word on who will handle the duties of President.
Your date leans in and whispers “I’m not wearing panties.” You shiver. She continues: “I pooped a little and had to throw them away.”
I could get hit and killed by a truck right in front of him and my dentist would still find a way to blame it on the fact that I don’t floss
I don’t care what my husband says, technically he is a brother-in-law to my mom’s dog.
I’ll know I’m marrying the right person when we’ve both cancelled the wedding twice
Did you know you have the right to remain silent even when you’re not being arrested?
It’s not as serious as some of the parents in the elementary school pick-up / drop-off line seem to think
My 3 year old wants 3 cookies because he’s 3. So I’m having 36.