Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m sorry I created a “legal situation” when I thought someone ate my salt and vinegar chips.

Me handing out gift bags at my Halloween party: don’t worry – it’s already dead

cat lawyer slowly pushing the opposing lawyer’s evidence off the courtroom table

The way that we’re constantly told not to eat silica gel makes me suspect that it contains all the world’s forbidden knowledge.

Me: I have a hemorrhoid that looks like Don King.
Customs agent: I meant do you have any goods to declare?

You’re either part of the problem or the entire problem.

“He is woke.” – Millenial Easter

If you cannot hold a poker face don’t bother becoming a parent because if you can’t sell, and I mean truly sell it when you tell your 4 year old that there are no actual tomatoes in tomato sauce, she will never agree to eat pizza again

Didn’t find out until I got to work that these exposed-shoulder tops are intended for women.

BREAKING: Polaroid photo taken. More on this story as it develops.

I’m a kid at heart and a senior citizen at knees and back.

Support your local cemetery

ME: cheese omelette
WAITER: chicken or Cadbury Creme eggs
ME: hmmm… you know what, surprise me

I wonder if those folks that wrote “Never change!” in my yearbook regret their choice of words.

She said she wanted to try spouse swapping. Next thing I know she’s trading me for a toaster.

I don’t mean to brag but I’m one of the reasons they installed emergency stop clips on gym treadmills

*Types*

I have lumps on my head.

WebMD: Batman

*ordering from the neighborhood Saudi restaurant*

Me: I’ll have a quart of the Chicken dump truck with a side of She is suspicious of cheese.

3 days ago I put a sign on my door that said “I’ll be back in 20 minutes”.

Nobody has bothered me since and I’m never taking it down.

I heard on the news that some guy was stealing wheels off police cars. The police are working tirelessly to catch him.

They don’t hire anyone at IKEA. People get lost there for a few years and eventually know where everything is. It’s Restockholm syndrome.

there should be a tented fingers emoji. for when you’re feeling ruminative

[ordering Indian food]

them: thank you for calling Chutneys, what would-

me: I’m white

them: say no more, where would you like your butter chicken and garlic naan delivered?

It’s fun finding love notes my wife hides around the house, it would be even better if they were for me

[date]
bobby: so what do you do
janet: i’m a beekeeper
oy: hey give those ack

If you ever get hit by a car, try to spin like a ballerina. You won’t get another chance like this.

What do people who ask, “do you think I am an idiot?” and get mad when we say “yes”, want from us?

me: you can get hurt when you don’t listen. daddy and I watched a show last night about a kid who lost his eye because he was being bad

6: what happened?!

me: well, he stole a dragon but that’s not the point

When guys tweet selfies they should totally place a few hams into the background “accidentally” so women know they can afford meat

When cannibals fall for one another, that’s chew love