7 barges into bathroom while I’m showering, laughs & says “I saw your peanut.”
He either mispronounced a word or made a hurtful observation.
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Me: check out this new gadget. It carbonates anything!
Friend: cool
Me: yeah even blood
Friend: um I gotta go
Me: lol no you’re staying
I need an Amazddy. It’s like a sugar daddy, but they randomly pay for the stuff in your Amazon cart.
I Just Watched The Simpsons For The First Time. Bart’s Grades Are… Disturbing
therapist: if you wanna be sad, be sad
me: I cannot stress how far ahead of you I am on this one
Wanna hear a joke?
Sleep.
I know, I don’t get it either.
New relationship be like, “what you doing?” ….”just drinking water”…”ok darling plz be careful”
I write fake chores on my to-do list just to scribble them out, then my husband thinks I do more.
A 5-year-old just asked me if I’d ever heard of algae. You bet I have you little weirdo!
if you aren’t on threads I just want you to know everyone is talking shit about you
Online recipes have finally added a jump to the recipe button. Now if blogs could add a jump to the point button, life would be golden.
Me: “Did it hurt when you fell from heaven?”
Her:
Me: “I SAID, DID IT HUR-”
Medic: “Step aside sir”
my kids just finished a game of monopoly without fighting. they’re playing it wrong.
The strangers on this cruise are getting really sick of me eavesdropping and interrupting with “I’m in the same boat.”
my back wasn’t made for hard labor*
*getting out of bed.
Just violently swatted an almond with a flip flop if anyone needs a hero
Someone from the HOA came a-knockin’. They said something about the community pool needing upkeep. They were asking for donations.
So I handed them a sippy cup full of water.
[drops your baby]
Me: shit, sorry. Let me get you another one
[car appreciation parade for child’s teacher]
Me [hanging out window with paper]: HOW ARE WE SUPPOSED TO DO #5?!?
Sometimes I like to call random numbers and if an older man answers I’ll say, “Hi. I know this sounds crazy, but I’m your daughter.”
I hate celery. 🤮🥴
I don’t know why Coca-Cola and Pepsi are fighting over what Santa drinks, everybody knows that big fat belly can only come from beers.
Not to brag, but my father bit someone’s ear off long before Mike Tyson made it cool.
Took my daughter and her best friend to dinner and a show with endless snacks and sodas but we didn’t get ice cream afterwards so naturally this night will forever be known as “that night you didn’t get us ice cream.”
Me handing out gift bags at my Halloween party: don’t worry – it’s already dead
At the end of first grade, my teacher said “your handwriting was pretty good, at the beginning of the year” and that is how I learned about backhanded compliments
My plans for world domination will be complete as soon as I can work out how to hide a coffee machine in my bra
Saw a guy reading a book and writing notes in it. Not enough words in there for ya bud ?
Searching for people who think “cologne” is spelled “colony”, is my favourite thing to do