7 barges into bathroom while I’m showering, laughs & says “I saw your peanut.”
He either mispronounced a word or made a hurtful observation.
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Then: Runs 5 miles every morning before work
Now: Picks up a dryer sheet with my toes so I don’t have to bend over
being a liberal is all fun and games until you need a friend with a truck
Daddy, where do oranges come from?
Well son, when a red and a yellow really love each other…
HELLO FELLOW HUMAN TEENS I HEARD THE COOLEST PLACE FOR US TEENS TO HANG OUT IS Ｔｈｅ Ｃｏｌｏｓｓａｌ Ｐｉｌｌａｒ ｏｆ Ｗａｓｐ Ｅｇｇｓ LETS GO DO NOT BRING WEAPONS
Make your enemies super uncomfortable by showing up to the rumble with an elderly friend
My bachelor party always end with a wedding.
Why do they call her “Grumpy Cat” and not “Sourpuss?”
I don’t always have time to exercise. But when I do…I don’t.
Dear People who like me,
I appreciate every single two of you.
They say diffusing essential oils can help relieve stress………THEY DON’T TELL YOU THAT YOU GET STRESSED OUT FIGURING OUT WHAT ONES!
I don’t go out very much because I’m broke, but oh boy, once I’m rich, I’m gonna have to come up with another excuse.
my biggest wish is that someday a bunch of people will say wow money really changed her
Me: I’m feeling my age today.
Son: Really? I thought the senses dulled during the late stages of life.
Me: Your sister is my favorite.
Smoking doesn’t make you look cool kids. Murder does.
Them: love what you do and you’ll never work a day in your life
Me: ok how can I make this apply to eating cheese?
Does the employee manual say I CAN’T set up my camping tent inside my cubicle? No? Then please step outside & zip the door up behind you.
Me: Well kid, someday all this will be yours. *motions to my Twitter account*
4-year-old: Susie’s dad has a boat.
Me; Right, some revision?
Son: K
Me: Start with chemistry?
Him: K
Me: Periodic table?
Him: K
Me:What’s the symbol for potassium?
Him: Dunno
Cats can use their whiskers to navigate in the dark. I use my toes. And shins. And lots of cursing.
The hurt I feel when someone leaves the bus seat next to mine for a newly empty one is almost exactly equal to my annoyance when they don’t.
The “mommy” to “bro” pipeline is a steep and sudden drop.
Me: Not today Satan
Satan: Good cause I can’t deal with your shit right now
If history has taught us anything, it’s that fascism has always been fought against too quickly and too violently
As 2021 closes, I am reminded of a saying.
Time flies like an arrow…
But fruit flies like a banana.
proctologist: [removing three nerf darts] do I have to ask
me: no you can have them
me: are you guys going to publish my book on negotiating
publisher: no
me: ok
The endings of Lost and Game of Thrones each cost me a television.
[scene: a smoky Paris bar]
BARTENDER: You feel trapped, mais oui? You hunt the rabbit, but the rabbit, he mocks you. Always you are made to play the fool, in a cycle you cannot escape.
FUDD: *nodding bleakly* I’m suffewing, Henwi.
Dating as an adult is hard because even when you do meet somebody you like there are very few opportunities to engineer a situation so that you’re cast opposite one another in a school play.