7: “By the year 2057 the oceans will be nothing but trash.”
Me: “Wow, I had no idea. Pretty smart, bud.”
Wife: “You know so many important facts, sweetie.”
*silence*
*3 looks at each of us*3: “Did you know there’s also pink lemonade?”
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Wacky Inflatable Tube Man: Uh-oh.
I said we supposed to be saving our money.
I saw my dog eat yellow snow this weekend… and I’d still take her advice before yours.
Who gets custody of us when Twitter dies?
Whenever I go to Subway, when they ask if I would like my sandwich toasted, I say yes & then I raise my cup of Coke & say, “To my sandwich!”
Yeah, but is it ILLEGAL illegal?
i sent all my sims to universitey & they all became computer scientists & proved they were living in a simulation so i unpluged my computor
if my house is ever clean just know i must have murdered someone in there.
This Halloween I’m going as that friendly guy who walked around your college campus but wasn’t even enrolled & turned out to be 28 & then disappeared completely
Friend: Can I borrow a pen?
Me: Sure!
*looks in purse*
*pulls out perfume, 17 Hershey kisses, a stapler & a baby goat*
Me: Sorry, no pen. 🙁
Wife: no bird puns this year at Thanksgiving
Me: fine but I get to do some now.
Wife: owl allow it.
Me: wait-what are you doing?
Wife: toucan play this game.
Me: I don’t like this.
INTERVIEWER: when u read a good book, wat kind of things do u pictur in ur head
ME: [pausimg for a split second too long] words
*walks down street*
*panties drop left and right*
*thinks, “shouldn’t have bought so many panties”*
*picks up panties*
*continues home*
How to Be a Librarian:
1. studySHHHHH
2. but iSHHHHH
3. eSHHHHHH
4.SHHHHH
SHHHHH
Me: No.
My kids: She didn’t say yes so we better ask again.
Stop giving me life advice, people who don’t know how crocodiles have sex.
I wish it was socially acceptable to push someone back through a door if they don’t say thank you when you hold it for them.
My doctor says I’m almost legally obese, but my mom says I’m very handsome. Just kidding my mom thinks I’m an idiot.
I don’t usually share cat things on Twitter. But I’ll make an exception for this.
me: do you have coke
cat waiter: is pspspsps ok?
If you’re cremated after you die, you can be put into an hourglass and continue to participate in family game night.
My doctor just asked me if I wanted a shot and I think I answered correctly because we are in a bar and this whiskey tastes really good
Wife: I wish you’d just admit when you’ve made a mistake
Me: *stirring my coffee serenely* I prefer it with salt
Told my kids I loved them at carpool and no one responded so I yelled, “I love you too!” while hanging out of the sunroof.
Me, 1
Kids, 0
whenever i’m laughing i’m always like omg just like that cow from that cheese
Are dinosaurs finished evolving into birds yet? Or will they become even birdier?
You’d think a baby would make the perfect paperweight, but this one keeps rolling off my desk.
Watching cooking shows makes you realize how much forehead sweat is possibly in your food
Saw a ‘Book Of Opposites’ at the store today and I couldn’t help but wonder why they didn’t call it a Contradictionary.
Me: I’m exhausted. Please just go to sleep.
Brain: K
Me:
Brain:
Me:
Brain:
Me: *almost asleep, drooling a little*
Brain: HOW WOULD YOU EVEN DANCE IF YOUR FEET ARE LOOSE