7 came home to a “7” balloon on his birthday & asked “Why is there an upside-down L balloon here?” & I’m really excited because now I can spend his college fund on that tummy tuck with a clear conscience.
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HEADS UP: I was at just at the mall and they must’ve recently installed those speed bumps that scream in pain
Me: I wonder why my stomach hurts
Taco Bell: that’s weird, I dunno what it could be
[1st date]
{don’t let her know you’re Hitler}
HER: what are you going to eat?
ME: definitely not seafood
HER: did u say nazi food?
ME: shit
Why be part of the problem when you can be all of it?
According to a recent survey, 100% of HR agree that I’m not allowed to take money out of the swear jar to throw at my co-workers.
[standing outside the office with all the other smokers, I take out my cigar case, remove a hotdog and place it in my mouth] I’m trying to quit but it’s soooo hard
In-laws going home a day early because I had the audacity to throw away “a good box.”
Do those “selfie sticks” retract, or do you just have to walk around like a doofus with a stick all day?
Youth may have many decadent pleasures. But at my age, based on the sounds I make, relieving my bladder is pure euphoria.
KID: *falls out of tree* I’m fine
ADULT: *sleeps on neck a little strangely* I have to turn my whole body to look at you for the next week
me: why do you think my parents don’t love me
therapist: they’re pretty clear about it in the group chat
me: the what
[driving with wife and son]
me: aw he’s falling asleep so cute
wife: wake him up before he drives off the road
POLICE SKETCH ARTIST: so what exactly did the “shapeshifter” look like?
[the easel makes a throat-slitting gesture]
ME: …I dont remember
I saw a pigeon walking alone today. I was like you and me both buddy then he met up with his friends and I was like TRAITOR!
Roman: Any last words?
Jesus: I’ll be back.
If we go into lockdown again, can we just buy the sourdough this time?
ex-girlfriend: why are you here? don’t you have any other place to be?
me pretty sure I left my day planner in her apartment: that’s what I wanna know
Dollar General is too expensive for me. I’m looking for the 50 Cent Lieutenant Colonel.
signs you’re dating an angel:
– skin made of smooth marble
– thousands of eyes that emit lasers
– wings violently displace tons of air
– 13,000 trumpets constantly
– peaceful sense of impending doom
– giant chalice overflowing with acid
– texts you good morning
Free advice: Saying “meaty shaft” in a corporate meeting is like saying bomb on an airplane.
Me: What would you do to a Klondike bar?
Wife: To or for?
Me: Just one
Sometimes people just need you to be genuine with them, and I personally have no problem pretending to do that.
Idk why this guy is alway bitching about his wife, she seems great. When I ate his lunch today the”I love u”note she left him made me smile.
Me as hostess: tonight we’re having deconstructed tater tots, deconstructed subs, and deconstructed strawberry pie
*takes guests to the grocery store*
Her: Can I sit down & join you?
Me: Be careful. I’m bad luck.
Her: Oh, no you’re not!
Me: (Sigh) You just sat on some gum…
I’m having one of those days where nothing seems to be going write.
My daughter found my twitter. I have just one thing to say – clean your room.
“Dad, what should I do if a strange man in a white van with no windows offers me candy?”
“Make sure you grab me a Snickers and a Reese’s cup.
