7: Can I have a play date with Sally? She’s fun.
Me: Sure, but you know Mommy is the only girlfriend you can ever have, right?
Husband, walking by: Yeah, he’ll end up normal.
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Anjelica Huston got married to the inventor of autocorrect and now her legal name is Ageless Ice Houseboat.
is frankincense just very honest incense?
My 8yo had his hair styled nicely this morning so I asked what he put in it to look so good……and he said it was oil from the pan I roasted broccoli in last night.
You really can’t make this stuff up.
Lifeguard: SHARK! GET OUT OF THE WATER
Me: [Remembers 150 people are killed by falling coconuts every year & only 5 from shark attacks] ..No
me: [getting stabbed]
dog: [sleeping]
me: [on fire]
dog: [sleeping]
me: [screaming for help]
dog: [sleeping]
me: [taking a dump while eating string cheese]
dog: [head between my legs] so whatcha doing
Take on cheese
(Take on cheese)
Take brie on
(Take on cheese)
Camembert
And fromage
[emptying dishwasher]
HOW IN THE HELL DO I FIT ALL THESE COFFEE CUPS IN THE CABINET
“Don’t put your brother in the fridge” is something I never thought I’d say, yet here I am.
Next time someone leaves an empty shampoo bottle in the shower, I’m filling it with pancake syrup.
The only relationship you should expect to last on Twitter is the one between your TL and those who have you blocked.
me: how much for the boquet of dogs
girl walking dogs: huh
me: *slipping her $5* how about now
If money can’t buy happiness what do you pay a hitman with?
me: i wish i could have sex before i die
genie: granted
me: [873 years old] motherfu
Plowing through the mosh pit like hi *boop*…hi *boop*…hi *boop*
“Why KFC calling you at 1:36am?
Wait, 12 years a slave isn’t about marriage?
i don’t delete messages just incase someone wanna lie about may 20th 1984
*checks Timeline*…
Wife: is he okay?!
Doctor: he will be fin-
Me: *slips him $20*
Doctor: he’ll never walk again
Me: *acting surprised* oh no, and on the day we were gonna put up the Christmas lights!
People are always weirded out when I take notes during episodes of Dexter.
Medusa: so do you have any QUITE LARGE HATS in there
sales assistant: [suspicious] why are you outside the shop shouting
almost typed dame instead of same and why don’t we say “same, dame” instead of “girl, same”
🤣🤣
“The bond’s Name. James Name”
Pleased to… what?
“Bond Name’s the james”
Are you alright?
“Bames Nond’s having a stronk, call a Bondulance”
windows 8: i got some updates
me: cool
windows: i have to restart
me: okay not now
windows: im going to
me: please dont
windows: lol
PLEASE DO NOT SUMMON WHEAT THINS FROM THE TOILET
Hear toddler having meltdown at Target
Me: Parents should control their kids!
Cashier: Isn’t she yours?
Me:
C: I saw her come in with you.
5 Stages of Girl Scout Cookie Season:
1. Denial
2. Anger
3. Bargaining
4. Depression
5. 436 boxes of Thin Mints
Why would anyone become an architect when everything you do gets destroyed in an X-Men movie?
HER: [parallel parking] i’m so bad at this
HIM: you should probably get tested
HER: lol it’s not that bad
HIM: i have chlamydia