Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Yes judgmental liquor store cashier, I must be having another big party.

Me: You secretly can’t wait until I die so you can eat my face.

Cat: Secretly? No.

I’m never not disappointed when a woman says she’s going through “the change” and doesn’t become a transformer

Grandma: It’s funny how often on TV shows people hallucinate with dead loved ones

Me: how’d you get out of the casket

My favorite part about playing video games with my kids is
WAIT WHICH GUY AM I
HOW DO I JUMP
WHAT’S HAPPENING

My grandmother sewed and crocheted until she was into her 90s and her hands just couldn’t do it any longer. So don’t expect me to be putting this phone down anytime soon.

The restaurant scene from When Harry Met Sally, but just me getting a pat down from airport security.

Me: I wanna travel somewhere

My bank account: To the other room? or?

“Daddy, did you know Pluto was recently reclassified as a dwarf planet, or plutoid?”

“Sweetie, I’m pretty sure he’s a dog.”

A tartan is what you get when you sunbathe on the asphalt

Do bouncers get paid in toothpicks or are they a part of their uniform, or what exactly is the deal here?

Please, keep trying unsuccessfully to suck the snot back up in your nose instead of using a tissue. Everyone loves the noise you’re making.

I let soap touch his cast iron frying pan yesterday, so can I sleep on someone’s couch for a while?

We should call them Whether Men, because they don’t know whether or not it’s going to rain, get it? That’s a good one.

Sometimes I feel so bad about not being perfect but then I remember people who expect you to be perfect all the time are exhausting and then I scratch my armpits like a monkey.

🤣

No one wants to talk about Dracula’s defining quality, turning into thousands of bats to avoid human contact.

“Please hold. Your call is important to us.”

*writes novel*
*gets medical degree*
*walks from coast to coast*

“Please continue to hold…”

[dinner]
HER: don’t embarrass me tonight
ME: how would I do that?
WAITER: just an fyi we ran out of lettuce
ME: ok, everyone romaine calm

INTERVIEWER: Your greatest weakness?
ME: I’m told my laugh is sinister.
INTERVIEWER: Lol. That can’t be true.
ME: Mwahahaha. I know, right.

i love police dramas because i’m a big fan of men in rolled up sleeves standing in front of a map saying “all right people listen up” 20 minutes in.

This isn’t going to end well for you.

– me, alone in the house, to the loaf of banana bread on the counter

Michael Cera pretending to read the nutritional facts when his dad catches him struggling to open a jar of pickles

I finally got my 11yo interested in a sport, and all it took was hiring a pretty 16yo girl to coach him.

A bad massage experience would be awaiting your masseuse, lying naked under the sheet, when you realize “Hey, this isn’t a spa, it’s a morgue!”

Interviewer: [looking through file] Are you still disruptive at nap time?

Me: Wow, they weren’t kidding about that permanent record thing.

Today I learned that while playing vintage Mario Bros, screaming “GO DOWN” when you can’t get Mario to go in the pipe leads to some awkward questions when your parents overhear you.

Why do sanitary towel adverts always feature a liquid which is blue?

Are aliens their primary customers?

Grammar Nazi hiding in Argentina captured after being baited on social media with an inappropriate you’re usage

When I get a girlfriend, what do I feed it