7: Can I have a play date with Sally? She’s fun.
Me: Sure, but you know Mommy is the only girlfriend you can ever have, right?
Husband, walking by: Yeah, he’ll end up normal.
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Me eating dark chocolate: Mmm healthy choice! This is basically a vegetable.
Don’t judge me because it said “family size” and I ate the whole thing.
It might have been meant for a really small family.
This meal prepping shit easy
FRIEND: I just found out my kid lost another tooth
ME: Really? Which one?
FRIEND: Katie
ME: Wow, I didn’t know your kid named his teeth
My sister let me borrow her newborn baby so I could meet girls at the mall.
Worked great!
Also, If you’ve found my nephew Jake, lemme know
[Concert]
Triangle player: *proudly playing his triangle
[Octagon player struts on stage]
Triangle player: “What the-“
There are shameless and immoral herring having sex in our ponds and lakes right now and I’d like to know what our elected officials are going to do about it
This skinny girl just told me she “forgets” to eat? Is that possible? I just licked her face in case it’s contagious.
One-year-olds do not care about your carefully arranged baby activities or the toys designed by professionals. One-year-olds wish to fling wide the portals of the kitchen cabinetry and make it a temple to Chaos. The children yearn for the rummage
I should wash my van
We could use the rain
*looks at selfie*
“Hmmm I need more flattering lighting”
*tries again inside an unlit abandoned coal mine*
“ahhh much better”
If you’re looking for a good place to buy a Blackberry, I’d suggest 2006.
*walks into bank dragging one of those giant checks behind me*
*everyone claps & cheers*
*hands check over to teller*
Check is for $1.00
[cloudy weather]
simba: lot of dead dads out today
My kids’ hamster escaped and I found her hiding from them in the closet so I just left her in there because honestly I get it… I get it.
*raises the last pack of toilet paper to the sky like Simba*
me: can i buy you a drink?
her: i’m getting married at 5
me: cool so we have 2 hours
If you think it’s impossible to be late for work when you work from home, we probably can’t be friends.
My cat tried to knock over my TV this morning. WHY ARE MY BEST FRIENDS FIGHTING?!
Me: I’ll never do that again
Me 5 minutes later: Agains
Daily ‘Facts About CHEESE’
Fact About Cheese #3:
“String Cheese. Is not made of string.”
I thought my friends in their 60s were making love in the other room but they were just putting on their socks
fire doesn’t get enough credit for being inclusive. it’s always like “hey you wanna come be fire too?”
your annual reminder that rodents have no ability to predict the weather.
I have this burning sensation right down here,
doc.
Let’s take a look.
Oh. Never mind. My flash light app was on.
Robot bartender rips me in half after listening to my problems for over an hour.
Me: I save a bunch of time by not having to tie my shoes.
Her: What do you do with the time saved?
Me: *tying my dogs shoes* Sorry, what?
me: i want your honest opinion
friend: [gives honest opinion]
me: [nods… but also mentally drops them 5 spots in my friendship rankings]
acme was just mailing bombs and rockets and shit to a dog
9 out of 10 archaeologists agree, the 10th one should not have uttered incantations to unlock the cursed bonds holding that Sumerian daemon