Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: Are you gonna change your name after we get married?

Her: Yes

Me: What do you think of “Jessica Rabbit”?

Boss: In what ways have you grown or matured in the year you have been here?
Me, glancing at the hidden notebook detailing my 36 point revenge plot against another department: By learning how to let things go

[ first date ]

me: i’d like to see you again

chameleon: oh sorry

me: there you are

Doc Brown: “Roads? Where we’re going, we don’t need roads”

Me working from home: “Pants? Where we’re going, we don’t need pants”

I’ve decided to stop wearing a very comfortable maternity romper I love. I figure it’s finally time, now that I’m 84 months postpartum.

Having now listened to the entire song, I have to say there’s some obvious internal disagreement as to what the Hokey Pokey is all about

[Alien vs Predator]

Alien: I can eat your face off
Predator: I’m not allowed within 100 feet of a school

I didn’t get you a gift bag, I LENT you a gift bag. Now get your crap out of it and give it back without any crinkles.

“Honey, remember our first date?”
“Awh, are you planning something for Valentine’s?”
“No, I forgot my password. It’s the security question.”

The U.K. ditching their old leadership on July 4th is an appropriation of American culture

Kanye West builds a time machine so he can interrupt himself interrupting Taylor Swift.

Not to be dramatic, but learning how to read has ruined my life

“I do law stuff” – attorney general

“I serve as the chief legal adviser to the Crown and the Government”
– attorney specific

contractor: I finished installing the secret entrances, death ray, and crocodile moat. all that is left is the payment

super villain: no

contractor: right, should’ve seen that coming

Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me between 2 and 50 times and you’re my 5yo getting out of bed at night.

Imagine the carnage at an IKEA team building event.

God: ok u can make one human that’s it

Satan: how do u feel about toupees & the name Donald

[in ambulance after being shot]

can we [coughs blood] stop at Taco Bell?

“Don’t be stupid! [turns around while driving] of course we can”

I never drive behind someone with a dream catcher hanging from the rearview mirror.
DO YOU THINK YOU MIGHT FALL ASLEEP AT ANY MOMENT?!?

Hate your job as a calendar maker?Need a way to get fired? Easy.

( •_•)

( •_•)>⌐■-■

(⌐■_■)

Just take a day off

MY KID: I’m ready to go I just need to get my shoes on

ME: *visibly ages*

French guy (showing me his yachts): This is Un. This is Deux. This is Trois. This is Quatre. This is Six.

Me: Where’s the 5th?

FG: Cinq.

Parenthood is just chauffeuring a bunch of people you don’t want to chauffeur, to places you don’t want to go, at times you don’t even want to be awake, to do things you don’t want to do, for prices you damn sure can’t afford.

HER: Talk dirty to me.
ME: I don’t want to.
HER: C’mon.
ME: No, I’m bad at it.
HER: I’m sure you’re not.
ME: I really am.
HER: Just try.
ME: *whispers in her ear*
HER: Yeah, never do that again.

Sure, there are plenty of fish in the sea, but they won’t have sex with you either.

INTERVIEWER: this says u work well with otters. Did u mean others?
ME (shoving a romp of otters back into my briefcase): haha yeah of course

*gets a full 8 hours of sleep*

Me: That’s suspicious

Her: You ate that banana so fast, I don’t even think you took the sticker off the peel.
Me: Peel?

A lorry carrying pens, rulers and compasses has overturned on the M1.

Traffic is currently stationery in both directions.

Salad was likely invented after someone picked everything they didn’t like out of their meal and put it on a separate plate.