7: can we have an awake-over tonight?
me: an awake-over?
7: it’s like a sleepover but without the sleep
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i know a guy who loves saying “best thing since sliced bread” and i imagine hes always at a grocery store lookin at bread and just losing it
{emergency evacuation}
Police:For the last time you need to leave your house now!
Me:*frantically packing my Golden Girls DVD box set* ok ok
Got kicked out of the gang for taking instant photos of the homies and calling them brolaroids
Paranormal Activity, but the demon that drags us out of bed is called “work”
Me: “I don’t make everything sexual”
*plugs phone into charger*
“You like that huh?”
I feel bad for women who say finding true love is the best experience in life. They’ve obviously never found their bra size on clearance.
turns out I don’t want a boyfriend, I just want a duet partner to sing the guy’s part in “Little Talks” by Of Monsters and Men. sorry for the confusion
Dear Diary: Day 1 of being a gang member. Wore a bandana today, but took it off after a woman shouted “you go girl!” from across the street.
Me, knowing girls dig bad boys: sorry I didn’t text u back babe I was grounded.
your body is a ghost factory that takes one lifetime to produce a ghost
Looking at hotels, one review says there are “drug attics” here.
Well what a fun little storage idea!
Booked it
It’s OK, The Phantom Menace. I also came out in 1999 and am a bit disappointing
“Hey, watch your mouth!” I yell at the woman in this park that’s just letting her pet mouth run around all willy nilly.
Misread the movie guide and thought the movie about to start was Allen vs Predator, and I was like, “you got this, Allen.”
Jeff Bezos has dropped to 3rd place in the world’s richest person rankings after being replaced by an Indian billionaire. Please visit our bio for the link to Bezos’s GoFundMe page. ❤️
I was asked to distress some pine furniture, so I told a bookcase that I was going to convert it into firewood.
[every game of Words with Friends with me]
Opponent: plays QUIZZIFY for 419 points
Me: plays POO for 6
Happy Caturday!
MY LAST MEAL ON DEATH ROW WILL BE RICE CAKES CAUSE THEY NEVER FILL ME UP AND I’LL JUST KEEP EATING UNTIL ALL THE GUARDS DIE
Me: k well my phones gonna die so I’ll ttyl
Mom: But ur office is a landline?
Me: oh…so it is….K well the building is on fire, sooo ttyl
America has a lot of faults as a country but we absolutely went off with garbage disposals in our kitchen sinks. “just use a food catcher?? scrape the food into the trash???” thank u Europe but we actually put loud finger-ripping chainsaws in our drains god bless❤️
A Freudian sitcom would be How I Meant Your Mother
ProTip: Make sure heated seats are off before putting your purse on them…lipstick melts.
It’s raining outside but the weather report assured me that it’s not so I’m not sure what to wear.
If we had security camera footage of Mother Teresa, trust me, even she’d look guilty of something.
I’m sorry I thought your dog’s name was Maverick and your kid’s name was Cooper
How normal people flirt…”Hey Sexy*
How I flirt …If you were a tree you’d be a great tree
[commercial for salad]
Do you want to feel sad when you eat?
*grandma climbs into time machine*
*shuts the door behind her*
MOM NANA IS STUCK IN THE GRANDFATHER CLOCK AGAIN