7: dad can you help me with this math problem
me: sure
me: [sees it] nope.
The math problem:
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[first date]
Her: I like guys that are spontaneous.
Waiter: Soup or salad, sir?
Me: [maintains intense eye contact with her] SURPRISE ME
are we supposed to just accept that gingerbread men live in houses built from the flesh of their fellow men
JOKER ENDING EXPLAINED! those names were the people who worked on the film
If you capitalize ‘him’ in your tweets I’m gonna automatically assume you’re subtweeting god.
imagine your card gets declined at church and god dies
“I liked small butts. I was lying.” – Sir Mix-A-Lot’s teary deathbed confession
“Get your cup off the table” has a whole other meaning when your a baseball mom.
long lost
I’m giving a talk at a conference for people who are avid porridge eaters.
I’m the keen oat speaker.
*coughs*
“Wow the Good Doctor is nuts.. can’t believe this is on network TV”
One Tree Hill in 2009:
Brushed the fur off my couch and made another cat.
4: I’M GONNA RIP YOUR EYEBALLS OUT
Me: Stop yelling violent things
4: *whispers* I’m gonna rip your eyeballs out
Zac meets Ron
Zac dates Ron
Zac takes Ron home
Zac Efron
KING: Behind one door waits a viscous tiger; behind the other, a fair lady. Now the prisoner must choose!
ME: Hey, if I open them both, will the tiger just eat the lady?
KING: That’s not… you don’t… c’mon, man.
[Playing House]
Child: You can be the kid and I’ll be Dad.
Me: Bills are due, dinner needs cooked, and your boss needs that presentation done by tomorrow.
Child: …
Me: What?
Child: That doesn’t sound very fun.
Me: Can’t hear you; busy playing Minecraft.
I contain multitudes, Elizabeth
1995: oh cool, an online book store
2025: “please scan this qr code and take a brief survey in order to flush your toilet”
[an octopus seeing a snake for the first time]
OMG a foot!
HR: We’ve noticed a substantial amount of office supplies missing recently.
Me *wearing a 3-piece suit made of Post-It notes*: That’s odd
“Mom, can you make me a snack and bring it upstairs?”
Me: “No! What is this, Denny’s?”
“Mom, Denny’s doesn’t have an upstairs.”
coworker: anyone else smell lasagna?
me excited about my new vape juice: guess what
Congratulations to everyone who woke up with all of their fingers and toes.
Before quarantine my husband used to eat like 5 Doritos and then fold the bag and put it away and since we’ve been in quarantine HE STILL DOES THE SAME THING I mean has this situation taught him nothing
Chief Exec: Any Ideas?
Writer 1: Talking Animals!
Writer 2: How about a Princess?
Writer 3: Kill the parents!
-Brainstorming at Disney
I’m just a girl.
Standing in front of a girl.
Wondering how she got her eyeliner on so perfectly.
My kid has been sneaking tv in the morning and got mad at me today when I caught him like “you didn’t tell me you were coming down the stairs!” Gee sorry I didn’t give you more time to plan your deception buddy
Me: I could tell you, but I’d have to-
Him: Kill me? hahaha
Me: No, talk to you. And I don’t wanna do that.
“help us improve instagram” nice try fix your own damn website.
my best friend is a guy and we have a pact that if we’re both still single at 37 we’ll hunt each other for sport
“Taking a perfect selfie is just a matter of perfect lighting and applying the right filter”
*puts sheet over head*
*turns off light*