7: dad can you help me with this math problem
me: sure
me: [sees it] nope.
The math problem:
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My neighbor has a huge warehouse/shop and is alway in there banging away on something or doing stuff but never really producing anything. I just know that one day Dateline is going to interview me and ask if I knew what was going on in there…
A toddler waves his stuffed snow leopard and shouts “tiger!” From my purse, I retrieve my big cat field guide to do the job his parents failed to do.
I don’t get Twitter drama! I’m here to make friends, not argue
Me, 30 seconds later:
I want a car horn that shouts obscenities.
Her: It must be difficult raising a child on your own.
Me: *lifting kid up* Nah its easy, dummy.
WAITER: may i suggest the steak
VAMPIRE: no you certainly may not
One time I put the burnt side of a grilled cheese face down on my child’s plate and almost got away with it.
deer don’t deserve antlers. I would do so much cooler stuff with antlers than just “rub them against a tree sometimes”
Today we pretended we were dining out and it felt so real because right after the first bite my kids decided to go potty
Sleep is just something clowns made up so they can eat you.
3: *tries a new thing, screams and fights, finally does the thing, cries that he’s done
Absolutely no one:
3: that was SO MUCH FUN, we have to do it again soon!!!!
In banana years, I am bread.
Kids these days will never know the exhilarating danger of going 60mph down a burning hot metal slide.
Hey guys if anyone was thinking about asking me to cut their hair I’d strongly encourage against it and any further questions on that can be directed to my boyfriend who is now, as of 20 minutes ago, for reasons no one can quite pinpoint, more or less bald
“What if we put wheels on this toilet?”
*inventor of the RV
[on a date]
me: *whispers to waiter as I slide a $5 across the table* I’m going to the restroom. Make sure he doesn’t touch my fries.
Remember when parents said “I’ll give you something to cry about” & were scared they’d hit us but they destroyed the housing market instead?
I like making detailed sketches of animals but when it comes to snakes I draw a line
When I’m having a bad day nothing sets me off quite like trying to pull one wipe out of the container and 47 more coming with it
Going to the dentist for a teeth cleaning. Should I put them in a fancy box or will a Ziploc baggie be ok? Also, not all of them are human teeth, some I happened upon randomly. Can I still get those cleaned? Sorry, don’t mean to be weird, I’m just excited for my first time!!
Bee. The reason he needs an epi pen.
Me: I had a bad upbringing & now I’m worried I’ll be a terrible father
Therapist: how many kids do you have?
Me: like 3 I think
[talking with counselor]
I don’t “know” what “she” means that I “use” excessive air quotes
ER Doc: you know you could have avoided these 3rd degree burns by walking away from the explosion at regular speed
Me: did it look cool tho
I caught a glimpse of myself in the mirror this morning, so I guess once again my personality will be doing all the work today
Being unemployed has given me even more time to make up songs to sing to my cat.
if zombies drank more water their skin would look way healthier than that.
“To the window, to the wall” – me directing the carpet layers
All I’m saying is never trust a towel that’s not hanging in it’s normal place when you get out of the shower…
Between hating pork and launching themselves into enemy structures, Al Qaeda were the original Angry Birds.