Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Due to the weather, I was able to use the words “wet and slippery” at work all day without anyone thinking I’m a big perv.

Snapes on a plane.

People pay for feet pics on the internet

Bigfoot: I’m listening

Batman: my parents died when I was young leaving me alone with my butler Alfred an-

group leader: oh my god it’s Bruce Wayne

Batman: Batman: no no I’m Batwayne, I mean Bruceman

For a hero, it’s pretty cool that Mario is just a dude who ignores his real job, does mushrooms and smashes his head into things all day.

[first date]

Boy: so where are you from?

Me: [points to all you can eat sign]
I live here now.

Sorry I have been gone for the last two days, my son had a quick story to tell me

WARNING: I WILL NOT STEAL YOUR BOYFRIEND BUT I MIGHT STEAL YOUR CAT

“How is the job search going?” first of all, that is a violent question. And it hurts me, by the way. And second, how the hell should I know

Old high school classmate: Really? You’re about to have your 4th child?

Me: Are you surprised I like kids?

Him: I’m surprised you had sex.

I am absolutely never leaving this website

I like to put on a clay mask and lurk around in the background while my daughter FaceTimes her friends.

Wife:
Me: (swish, swish, swish)
Wife:
Me: (swish, swish, swish)
Wife:
Me: (swish, swish, swish)
Wife: I hate your corduroys

I love the difference between dog and cat rescue stories. dog owners will be like oh I prepped for months and applied and had a home check then did a foster to adopt trial period and then the rescue chose me! and cat owners are like .. I found him in the trash

Walks you into the bedroom.
Stands you up straight against the wall.
*you notice the sign that says “You must be this tall to ride this guy”

Boss: Since it’s a long weekend, you can leave early today.

Me: [left 3 hours ago]

I often choose gift bags instead of wrapping, not just out of laziness, but also because I have the fine motor skills of a drunken panda.

“i am a sweet baby”

Well…my morning coffee finally kicked in at about 8:37 p.m.

When I was a kid I slept with a nightlight…

to keep away monsters who were scared of small, low wattage light bulbs.

Welcome to the middle age, there is no more a 5 second rule coz who tf can lift stuff in 5 seconds

*CRASH*
*THUMP*
*SCREAM*

*Husband runs into bedroom*

H: OHMYGOD ARE YOU OKAY?

Me: Yeah. Just taking off my sports bra.

I’ve realized about a third of my life is spent trying to ignore the fact that I have to pee.

The key to being remembered isn’t delivering some big all encompassing piece of wisdom, my grandpa taught me that pinching the tail of a shrimp helps you get all the meat out and now he briefly lives again each time I go shrimp mode (happens a lot)

I used to believe in International Women’s Day… then I realised it was just my dad sneaking into my room, dressed as an International Woman.

I’m fresh out of hopes and dreams. Can I interest you in despair and disappointments?

My eyebrows are looking ferocious. They’re about to hop off my face & maul someone.

How many push-ups is too many when meeting your girlfriend’s dad for the first time?

I had a shirt with a tag that said “tumble dry only.” I did like twenty cartwheels and it was still wet.

MENTOR: I am now sponsored by Cheetos, but it shan’t affect my wise counsel
ME: How can I become-
MENTOR: Dangerously cheesy? Glad you asked