7: [eating a bunch]
me:
7: I’m going thru a gross spurt.
me: that’s a good way to put it.
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Google search history:
-double chin reduction exercises
-double chin plastic surgery cost
-double fudge brownie recipe
I sure talked a lot of shit about my mom’s bathrobe for someone who now wears one around the house like Snape storming through Hogwarts
I thought there had to be another explanation for why they disappear but a repairman just took apart my washer machine AND IT WAS FULL OF LOOSE SOCKS
The shortest distance between two points is over a cyclist.
~Australian drivers, apparently.
To all the people with grammatical issues, don’t worry, I also have problems with badly timed periods. 
This year is like when you accidentally touch wet cat food.
cellmate: what are you in here for
me: [snuggling] my bunk is cold
JOSEPH: who did you name me after?
ME: you were named after my grandfather
GREGGNOG: what about me dad?
“You’re attachment is too large,” my computer tells me.
I blush. “My eyes are up here,” I respond coyly.
*during sex*
Me: *unrolling a wrapper*
Her: you don’t have to use a condom
Me : *mouthful of fruit by the foot* oh cool
Self rising flour is just like regular flour except one time when it was dead for 3 days
[at Starbucks]
ME: One large starbuck please.
BARISTA: Sir, that’s not even a-
ME: Sorry, one venti starbuck please.
I have decided to switch to a spite-based diet
Sorry I turned into a martial arts expert when you tickled me
When the cleaning lady say’s “Have a good night”, I try to time it so we say it in unison. Then I say our “You too” response in harmony.
*uneasily answers phone
‘Guess who?’
David?
‘No’
John?
‘No’
Mike?
‘No’
Steve?
‘No, I made you very happy the other night’
Haagen Daz?
‘NO’
Pizza Hut?
BIKE: Seems like you’ve been eating well since the last time you used me.
ME: *regretting the “great deal” I got on a vicious cycle*
beavers are so funny why are you a little rat doing hydraulic engineering
6: can i have ice cream?
Me: ur room clean?
6: if I clean it can I have ice cream?
M: sure
6:*looks at room* thats ok I dont need ice cream
Dinner is ready!
-my smoke detector
Am I perfect? No.
Am I trying to be a better person? Definitely not.
After handing a girl my mixtape I asked her if she was ready for TOTAL AURAL SATISFACTION not realizing what it had sounded like.
Interviewer: what’s your greatest weakness?
Clark Kent: kryptonite
Interviewer: right, what’s your kryptonite?
Clark Kent: ohhhh I see what you mean. Chips and salsa
Son: Mom, set a 30-minute timer on your phone.
Me: Okay.
[30 minutes later]
Son: What keeps beeping??
Me: I have no idea
when your baby starts crawling on the ceiling how do you get it down
Goodnight moon, goodnight stars, goodnight perfectly normal Purple Rain album cover where Prince’s eyes follow u across the room
The officer said, “you drinking?” I said, “you buying?” We just laughed and laughed.
I need bail money.
Me: It’s time to eat healthier and get in shape!
Also me: Excited my ice cream maker will be here in 2 days with Amazon Prime!
Not to victim-blame, but maybe Bruce Wayne’s father shouldn’t have brought his wife and 8 yr old son to a place called Crime Alley.
Why did Norway put barcodes on their military boats?
So they could…..Scan da Navy in!