7: [eating a bunch]
me:
7: I’m going thru a gross spurt.
me: that’s a good way to put it.
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The best place to get pumpkins cheap is driving around the neighborhood at 4AM. Got 5 nice ones this morning.
I think abs are for guys that don’t have the confidence to wear a nice T-shirt to the pool.
Why are there so many songs about love but none about a turtle chasing you in your kayak
Husband: *bleeding* CALL 911!
Me: I would, but *shows both hands caught in Pringles cans*
Husband: WELL, RUN FOR HELP!
Me: *shows both feet caught in Pringles cans*
Honestly I bet the inventor of the cannon would be relieved to know that they’re mostly about t-shirts now.
her: i’m having trouble walking after last night
me: well i thought the mattress stair sled would be fun
Becky on Facebook is having a bad hair day and wonders if anything will ever go right. Be strong Becky, be strong. Also shut up.
My roomba on charge after cleaning up after 2 kids and 2 dogs.
Coffee so strong I’m starting to believe I’m The Flash.
An egg with 28 followers says I’m not funny. So if you need me, I’ll just be in the kitchen making an omelette.
My Body: we’re hungover
Me: but I didn’t drink anything
My Body: I don’t make the rules
BOSS: Wow you made a killing on your first day
ME: Thanks boss!
BOSS: *puts hand on my shoulder* that’s bad for a surgeon
Ziiipppp, zip, zip, zip, ziiiipppp!
*Me, dramatically ending a marital spat during a camping trip
I think we figured out which one was Destiny’s child.
If I ever marry someone who shares my intense love of puns, she’ll be my pun-kin.
*Woman throws a drink in my face but I swallow it all perfectly*
My wife didn’t post an essay thanking our kids for making her a mom on Facebook and now child services is on the way.
I saw a woman really screaming at her kids in public this morning, but in her defense, the kids were ugly.
There’s a 99.9% chance that no one on twitter is your soulmate. There’s also a 99.9% chance your spouse agrees.
Manager: Your fired
Me: *You’re
Manager: How did you know I spelled it wrong if I spoke it out loud
Me: How did you know I corrected you
A Cobra wanted to fight me but I challenged him to a thumb war and he slitthered away embarrassed.
Don’t date men who will hold open a door for you. Date men who will punch a squirrel in the face for chittering it’s teeth at you.
I know I have a dark sense of humour sometimes, but I’m genuinely just trying to make people laugh and never really trying to be offensive
Unless, of course, you’re vegan lol
“Wait, the video is almost over!” – any kid with 17 minutes left on their video
Me: “At last, sunny weather! Time to go outside and develop a healthy glow!”
Pollen: “I’m going to make you look like you’ve been pepper sprayed”
Me: So I’ll see you Friday?
Friend: I can’t wait!
Me: FINE THEN FORGET IT
Me: Can you help me with something?
Her: Not right now. I’m taking a nap.
Me: But your eyes are open and your phone is playing game music…
Her: Sshhhh, I’m sleeping!
sorry about the last 24 hours California, i brought back a mysterious relic from overseas but i’ve destroyed it now
Nasal rinses are great bc they clear your sinuses and also let you feel like you’re jumping into a pool without the pool.
Marie Kondō’s method really has been magical. I’m ridding my home of anything that doesn’t “spark joy.”
So far I’m down one washing machine, one vacuum, and a husband.