7: [eating a bunch]
me:
7: I’m going thru a gross spurt.
me: that’s a good way to put it.
You Might Also Like
Got a little bit lost in the woods. I’m putting everything into the clothes hamper in case of tics.
Heck, I’m going into the hamper too.
On 3. Ready? One. Two. Three.
*Both show rock
Again!
*Both show rock
Again!
*Both show rock
Again!
Caveman: This game is stupid.
Helping ya friend pick a picture to post 🤝 commenting like it’s ya first time ever seeing the picture
Everyone wants gift cards now so on Christmas morning it’s just a lot of passing envelopes. It looks like a mob wedding.
It’s like ten thousand followers when all you need is an emergency contact.
I found a new way to get my wife to wash the car. When ever it gets dusty I write the following on it:
“I wish my Wife was this Dirty”.
me: they’re having a retirement party for my coworker
my father, an immigrant: what’s a retirement party? you mean a funeral?
the lights on this hospital in my hometown have gone out in a majorly unfortunate way :/
Her: Whats that mouth do boo?
Me: Probably say something stupid.
I always eat the whole pizza cause I don’t like to half love anything.
sure I’ll interpret that dream for you, it’s about hydration, they’re all about hydration. why else would you be driving a bus full of chickens.
Me: I need a word for food between courses at a meal
Wife: intercourse?
Me: not now Margaret, I’m trying to think
JUDGE: We’re gonna give you 2 months in jail for the cat pyramid scheme and-
ME: [clearing my throat] Purramid scheme, your honor
LAWYERS: …….
JUDGE: On second thought, we’re going to execute you
ME: I played Wordle today
SON: great
ME: Do you know what Wordle is?
SON: no
ME: It’s like Mastermind but instead instead of colors it’s letters
SON: great
ME: Do you know what Mastermind is?
SON: no
website: select a security question
me: ok
website: make of first car
me: nah
website: mother’s maiden name
me: nope
website: the number of ducks you saw that one time in camp
me: bingo
Husband’s on fire today. He’s made lunch for us both and the smoke alarm’s just gone off.
hellofresh sends me more texts than my boyfriend.
*smuggles cake (containing saw) into escape room*
went to a dinner last night and we are struggling
16 year olds can vote in Scotland. That’s ok because they’ve been drinking since they were 9 and understand disillusionment.
“A room in motion will stay in motion until you sober up.”
~Newton’s little known fourth law of motion
A thousand Milwaukees is a Bilwaukee.
FUN FACT:
Scientists have proven, there IS in fact life outside the United States.
I feel kind of sad that in some countries children are starving and I’m over here eating spiders in my sleep like a god damn glutton.
[staring up at the sky]
ME: what does that cloud look like to you?
11YR OLD DAUGHTER: I’d say it’s a semi-transparent altocumulus, or at least something of the stratocumuliform physical category
ME: well I see a corn dog
Every chair is a reclining chair when you’re drunk.
BOSS: I hate “yes men.”
ME: Yeah. Me too.
BOSS: I like employees who speak their mind.
ME: Yeah. They’re the best.
BOSS: You get me.
ME: Yep
That dress was wearable way before your “cami” intervened. India and lingerie sites. *rolls eyes*
I just want to live in a world where stupid people don’t knock on a locked bathroom door shouting, “anyone in there?!”
FOOL-PROOF PICKUP LINE:
you’re tall for a woman
[she gets real mad right here]
*place hand on hers*
but the perfect height for an angel