Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

There’s never been a single day in my life when I thought to myself ” thank god the cops are here”

Thanks for using our drive through. Please park over there and wait 20 minutes and someone will bring out 85% of the stuff you ordered.

Saw a TV at the dumpster with a sign that said ‘free TV’ and boy do I feel stupid, I paid $200 for the last TV sitting at a dumpster

‘You’ll go to hell for that joke’

*in Hell

Me: What did you do?
Hitler: Genocide, what did you do?
Me: Dunno tweeted a joke

Daughter: dad, will you sign up for the fun run?

Me: I don’t understand your question. Those words don’t belong together.

When I was a kid I used to sneak into the racetrack. I was making a bet at the window and the lady said, “You’re not eighteen.” I said, “It’s for my dad,” and pointed out some old drunk. He waved. She said, “He looks wasted.” I said, “He is. Don’t make fun of my dad.”

Standing in the snow on a sub-zero morning, holding a steaming bag of poop, I begin to question my ‘dogs are better than people’ philosophy.

this one is dumb but worth the zoom-in, i swear

*My kids are fighting*

9yo: You’re acting like a baby !

6yo: And you’re acting like dad !

*being murdered*
Me: “Ahh my student loans will finally be paid off😍”
Gov: 🤔stabbing ceases

Dang it, I looked at my phone for a second while driving and now I don’t know what road I’m on. Maybe I’ll ask this talky fellow on my hood.

Are they honking at me because I’m cute or because I can’t drive?

Ian: “I’d like to report my guide dog missing.”
Cop: “Right. When did you last see him?”
Ian: “I’ve never seen him.”

Our friends have canceled our dinner plans 3 nights in a row …. I’m starting to think they really don’t like dinner.

Wife: ” What’d you do today?”

Me: “Tell me what you think I did.”

back in the day nobody sent birthday messages, you had to mail out party invites and wait 3 weeks to discover 80% of your friends hate your guts

someone told me “I couldn’t think of anyone I’d rather spend time with,” & my first thought was that they tried really hard to think of someone else but had to settle on me, so thanks low self esteem, u my only friend

A TV show where customers get to hear what employees said 10 seconds after they left the store.

“Deb, every year I tell you I don’t want to do a holiday card, you tell me it will be fine, and then Junior does something obnoxious in the photo that you claim is ‘cute.’ And look, we’re right on schedule.”

We installed those slam-proof bumpers on all of our doors. My kids’ fingers are safe, but I have no way of knowing when my wife is mad at me.

I know parents should inspire kids to be anything when they grow up. But my son took 1 hour to eat a banana, so competitive eating is out.

9am: *starts diet*

2pm: *injects KFC gravy intravenously*

People criticise me for chasing squirrels in the park but I trust my dog

Mosquito’s are like dirty used needles, that can fly.

Feeling tired, might convince a dragon I’m gold so I can nap for a few years in his cave while he protects me from anyone trying to find me.

all you need for a winnie the pooh costume is a red tshirt and courage

It used to be a 5-second rule before doggo here whittled it down to 2 seconds

BARTENDER: okay man, here’s your appletini
MAN: [upset] this isn’t what i ordered
BARTENDER: i’m sorry?
MAN: why isn’t it a tiny apple

If I were a professional soccer player, I would simply pick up the ball. My opponents’ kicks would be useless as I held the ball high above my head. They would beg me to release it but I would not relent. Then, just as time expires, I would throw it into the net, sealing victory.

fun fact: scientists discovered years ago that dogs and cats could actually talk and converse with humans, unless their human turned out to be super duper boring