7-ELEVEN CUSTOMER: Ew! This slurpee machine is full of weird dirt!
MANAGER: Weird dirt? But that means…
*cut to Dracula flailing around in a coffin filled with blue berry blast*
You Might Also Like
Oh, dearest paracetamol,
A mystery to me,
Why sometimes you cost £1.10,
But sometimes 20p.
911 what’s the emergency?
“How do u unburn pizza?”
U burnt a pizza
“Yes”
I’ll send a squad car
“Ok will they help?”
No ur under arrest
When you do drugs, you’re also doing all the drugs that those drugs have done.
I’m gonna hug you in the face with this brick.
Being kidnapped is so much harder on the back after 40, let me tell you
BREAKING NEWS: Man gets out of offending people by saying “present company excluded of course” after highly offensive statement
OK I GOT TO THE BOTTOM OF THIS WHOLE HILLARY EMAILS THING. TURNS OUT THEYRE LIKE A FAST KIND OF MAIL THAT GOES IN THE COMPUTER.
Become ungovernable.
Did you know that Mark Zuckerberg and the guy who played the blue Power Ranger are cousins? Just not to each other. But they are cousins.
Started to watch Indiana Jones and the Dial of Destiny and I saw the warning that it contains tobacco depictions so I threw my TV in the street. Not in this household.
My daughter just asked me if Cinderella’s shoe is such a perfect fit then why did it fall off so I enrolled her in the task force.
Still holding out hope that these intrusive thoughts are just gas.
Easter egg hunts are fun but, some kids always get their eggs stolen by others. Also, I’m not allowed on the field this year.
Me:*Gently nudges your arm*
Would you like to be my Valentine?
Doctor: Can we discuss this after your colonoscopy?
“Now I am become Death, the destroyer of worlds.”
– Twitter IT engineer that pressed the button for the 280 character limit update
2014: maybe 2015 will be better
2015: maybe 2016 will be better
2016: omg, wtf is happening?
2017: is this a bad dream?
2018: no seriously, WTF?!
2019: AN ASTEROID WOULD BE NICE
“Please be aware that this call may be recorded for training purposes”
-companies that obviously provide no training
You should always wear a helmet if you ride a motorcycle, bicycle or ski or talk about politics.
Smart of them to call it cookies I mean who’s gonna decline cookies? If they’d said this site uses snakes people would be like aw hell naw
when you tell me to do something I was already about to do
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: *stops sculpting a Lionel Richie head* Nope. What’s up?
Is it wrong when your therapist invites other therapists to your session, wine is flowing, appetizers are served, and he says to you, begin?
“Great choice. California is known for its chickens.”
– me, trying to impress a date who ordered the California Chicken Salad
I like to hike with a bag of pork chops. That way if I run into a bear, I won’t die hungry
…a dentist on a toothpaste commercial with stethoscope around neck…, if my dentist started to listen to my heart I would freak out.
Apparrotly you can drop the names of birds into the start of sentences and people won’t even notice
once i get some clearasil, it’s over for you blotches
can’t talk rn I’m busy cyberbullying people who paint over solid wood antique furniture
The baby changing station in this Chili’s bathroom is broken
I put the old baby in there and when I opened it back up it was the same one
With the cost of concert tickets, you better not be asking the crowd to sing, I did not pay to hear a drunk girl sing my favorite song.