7 foot tall undergrad told me that he was going to have to miss class for a game and, not wanting to make assumptions, I asked him what team he was on and he just said “come on” lmao
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I’m not an alcoholic, alcoholics go to meetings. I’m a drunk, we go to parties.
Nobody:
NASA scientists: the moon’s wet!
i missed therapy because i was up until 4am making this
*gets a Fitbit for Christmas*
*puts it on a squirrel*
My mother, who has never drank or done any drug, is in Amsterdam. So, watch out, Netherlands, someone’s about to respectfully tour the crap out of your windmills.
this independent good boy don’t need no human
We complain when it’s hot. We complain when it’s cold. We are such cunts. That’s why ET went home and never came back to visit.
I act like Pacman at parties.
I walk around the room eating everything in site and avoiding everyone.
May or may not have just made a move on my best friend of a year by saying “what’s a little bouncing on it between friends” and I may or may not now be responsible for planning a date
Me: DIALOGUE!!!
Other lumberjack: You’re supposed to yell timber.
Hey Fugeddaboutit
In RL I’m a car salesman. Which means its my job to know how many bodies fit in the trunk of a car officer. This is all work related.
You want me to make something homemade?? Girl I can’t even make my own serotonin.
The best thing about sitting next to the white guy with dreads on the bus is no one thinks you’re the one that farted
Always treat your woman like a princess, let a giant turtle kidnap her.
Kids are fun. For example my daughter overflowed the toilet once and now she has a toilet flushing phobia.
Why does lipgloss last 43 minutes on my lips but 17 years on my coffee mug?
My 17yo just asked me how to make toast. There goes any hopes of a college scholarship.
“Are you an adult?”
Yeah, but not like on purpose or anything
Karate Kid (1984) Two grown adults enlist minors to fight a martial arts proxy war.
Some of you wonder how I’m still married, pfft you should wonder how I got married in the first place.
My eyesight is good, but my strongest sense is non.
the person at my job who can decide if im fired: “yeah so celebrities actually go to a secret starbucks underground in a series of tunnels to get their coffee”
At least 20 people, including 17 children, were killed when gunmen stormed an army-run school in Peshawar, Pakistan.
Boss pissed me off at work today
Might microwave a tuna sandwich and leave early
Talk to your kids about drugs.
Always stay informed about what drug is cool. You don’t wanna be a nerd parent.
Just because I know that I can fit 150 snakes in my bathtub doesn’t mean I have a plan
You don’t realize how inappropriate your music is until you have a car full of other people’s children
“I’ll have a rum and coke”
Is pepsi ok?
“Sure whatever”
*hands you a pepsi and coke*
Friend: I want a baby.
Me: Remember when your neighbor was practicing the clarinet at 1AM? It’s like that, but you can’t call the cops.