7 foot tall undergrad told me that he was going to have to miss class for a game and, not wanting to make assumptions, I asked him what team he was on and he just said “come on” lmao
You Might Also Like
*sharing a box of cereal with the cat*
Me: Frosted Lucky Charms
Cat: They’re magically deliciOH, uh MEOW
People on social media: Look at me! Look at what I’m eating! Give me attention!
People in cars: Why would anyone care that I’m about to turn?
When they told you to ‘seek attention’, they meant ‘medical’, not ‘internet’, psychopath.
It’s like all of my wife’s friends say – stop sucking on my loofah and get out of my house
are those your eyebrows, or did you headbutt a box of Sharpies
Being single isn’t always bad. Look at Kraft cheese for example.
Today I took the stairs. My legs burned, I was all out of breath and I stopped and I thought to myself… I really need to stop using the stairs.
Feel like you’re falling apart? Coming undone? Can’t keep it together?
You should have eaten more paste as a child.
*being broken up with*
Me: I thought we were on the same page!
Her: We are! It’s just the page of the dictionary that has “awesome” and “awful” on it
Headlines With Threatening Auras.
Neighbors of serial killers always describe them as “really nice” people.
Who else is a “really nice” neighbor?
Canada.
I’m just sayin’
the subway employee asks me what kind of cheese i would like on my sandwich, so i lean in, look them directly in the eyes & whisper, “haunted.”
I used to make jokes about sewing but I ran out of material
The proctologist told me to drop my pants so I did what any good listener from the 80s did
Wife: Yelling stranger danger hysterically was a bit much though
The hardest part of having multiple kids is explaining why only your first child has a baby book.
I’m too old to still be “getting too old for this.” I’ve arrived.
Jesus pulling Matthew mark luke and John to the Side and being like you guys are the big dogs
My safe word is Worcestershire
Me to client: Is there anywhere else you’re purchasing supplies with other than me?
Client: sadly no. Just you.
Me:
Client: I didn’t mean it like that!
You people that disappear on weekends like you have something better to do, you’re not fooling anyone, we all know you’ve doing Community Service.
*grammar police reads ransom note*
“Bring the money hear in too days, or she dead”
*grammar cop dies*
“Damn, he had 2 days until retirement”
The walk from my house to the bar is 5 minutes.. The walk from the bar to my house is 35 minutes…
The difference is Staggering.
Wax museum director: What are we going to do with all this old wax?
Twizzlers CEO: We’ll take it.
God: you’re a fire ant.
Fire Ant: what does that mean?
God: when you bite something it burns like fire.
Fire Ant: [gasp] you mean I’m a dragon?
God: what-no.
Fire Ant: i’m the teensiest dragon!
If mental stability was measured by the type of tweets we laughed at, straight jackets would be the new black.
I found something called bath bombs in the cabinet and honestly I had no idea we were even at war with the tub
The only thing we have to fear is fear itself…& murderous clowns, & ISIS, & one of these two getting elected President after Halloween.
Liven up any boring conversation by telling people you have a glass eye and then watch them try and figure out which one it is.
Today while in the bookshop I said to the lady behind the counter, “I’m looking for a book by Shakespeare”
She asked “Which one?”
Me: “William”
Best convo of the last 5 yrs:I explained to my son that his friend’s Mum had become a man: “You can do that?””Yes””Then I wanna be a dragon”