7 foot tall undergrad told me that he was going to have to miss class for a game and, not wanting to make assumptions, I asked him what team he was on and he just said “come on” lmao
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Imagine being a Cicada you been waiting 17 years for your one chance to have sex then some weirdo freakazoid fries you in butter and serves you with a side of ranch.
Sex is like my hair. I didn’t have any yesterday. I didn’t have any today. And unless something drastically changes, I won’t have any tomorrow.
HELLO POLICE, MY SON JUST TAUGHT CUT TO A LEGENDARY POKEMON I WANT HIM TRIED AS AN ADULT
I just read someone’s TL who starred me, forgot who I was reading, starred & RT’d a gazillion RT’s on their TL, ended up in Mexico married.
What’sApp
Me: Mom, what’s for dinner?
Mom : typing …*gets married*
*have kids*
*gets old*
*dies*
*goes to hell*Mom: Fish, honey!
Only when you have finished cleaning the entire kitchen, will a teenager appear from the basement with a weeks worth of dishes.
Me to 8: Please stop growing bigger
8: YOU stop growing bigger
And just like that, a sweet moment was ruined
Him: Do you swallow?
Me: Every time I chew.
Life advice: Your bark may be worse than your bite but you really shouldn’t bark at people either.
Shall I compare thee to a wooly worm?
Thou art more fuzzy and more ravenous
Best thing about dead batteries is they are free of charge!
Get a big metal box, label it “TIME CAPSULE” and take a big dump in it so people know what 2011 was like.
(watching The Exorcist) She gets to miss so much school
I hope in the Top Gun sequel Goose’s ghost visits Maverick and they do pottery together.
me: i wanna see how high this cliff is
Charles Darwin: ok, go ahead
me: ill jump off and you count how long im in the air
Charles Darwin: wait but that could ki-
me: what
Charles Darwin:
me: that could what Charles
I watched squirrels for like an hour and thought “they don’t do ANYTHING really” and then realized I watched squirrels for like an hour
Teachers are getting ridiculous with sending out homeschooling projects.
We have an English and History assignment due in two days and we don’t even have kids.
The only reason I’d want to go to heaven is to complain to the manager.
[fake yawns to put my arm around date but it’s so i can pet her dog who is also on the couch]
*Batman voice*
“I’m Batman.”*Wife voice*
“Go empty the dishwasher, Batman.”
[calling in sick]
me: the doctor told me to stay in bed
boss: how long?
me: just a normal size one
*Steals parking spot from guy backing in*
Him:*middle finger*
Me: [rolls down window] I SEE THAT YOU’RE NOT MARRIED. I ALSO AM NOT MARRIED
“I hate karaoke.”
“It’s pronounced kah-rah-oh-keh.”
“Now, I hate you too.”
I want to rub myself all over you like a dog rolling in a dead raccoon.
what’s a good synonym for “experienced” to use in an overview summary on a resume? i tried “jaded” and apparently that’s not what employers are looking for
You can’t get in trouble for leaving work early if you disable the security cameras and crawl out the air-conditioning duct.
What idiot called it the toaster and not the tanning bread?
*takes off Scooby-Doo head*
Rivorce?!
ME: *holding 6 puppies* YOU TOLD ME YOU WANTED TO ADOPT!
SPOUSE: Children. I want to adopt CHILDREN.
ME: *defensive* They are our children.
What’s up with you needing to tell me you’re a ‘native New Yorker’ thru your license plate? Is it like ‘babe, we should move over. There’s a native New Yorker coming up behind us’?