Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

God, grant me the serenity to yell at immigrant children, the courage to still say I’m a Christian, and the ignorance to not get the irony.

me: welcome to todays episode of cribs! this crib has a bouncy castle, lets check it out

[45 mins later]

camera man: should we see other stuff now?

me: *out of breath* no

JUDITH! FETCH MY EVIL PLAN GLASSES!

*2 hours later has organised a small festival*

Dammit Judith, these are my party planning glasses!

I just switched my doorbell to the sound of a shot gun loading.

Apparently it is “against church policy” to drop your kids off in the nursery and then go to brunch.

replying “so true bestie” every time a man tells me i’m pretty

Me: i’m so hungover.

Wife: what do you need?

Me: *groans* some hair of the dog.

Wife: *empties vacuum bag on me*

my kid said her friend was ‘absinthe’ from class today and I’m wondering if should inform their parents

You put the shhh in bullshhhit.

HER: I’m an animal activist.

ME: [trying to impress] My dog does 100 push-ups a day.

Before kids I only had to take the trash out once a week, now I forget it once and A&E is kicking in my door trying to film an episode of Hoarders

I like when people name their kids after the state they were conceived in. Might do the same and name my next kid Crippling Anxiety

In the future:
“So Zionists tried to take a people’s home and said god gave it to them.”
“So what happened?”
“Apparently god disagreed.”

Chickens only make one sound, because they can’t think outside the bawks.

A pronoun referring to a specific thing previously mentioned, known, or understood.

That.

*travels back in time to kill Hitler as a baby* *becomes known as time-traveling baby murderer & history’s greatest monster*

“I just called to say I love you.”

-Stevie Wonder not understanding how prank calls work

I’m rubber. You’re glue.

I don’t conduct low voltage electricity. You’re great for arts & crafts.

[teaching my dog to shake hands]

NO! Firmer than that. Want them to take you seriously?

I’m pleased to announce that I will continue using the word Kafkaesque to describe things, and I am proud of my commitment to never learn what it means.

me: where do you live?

schrödinger’s cat: a box

me: I mean like what state

cat: both of them

Cat owners aren’t lazy. They’re just often paralyzed for hours because the supreme ruler of the house is sleeping on their lap.

Store was out of the size I requested, so this was their substitute and now I gotta open a diner

I’ll save you the trouble of testing my saliva swab. It’s mostly Oreo crumbs.

In high school I carried around a pocket full of Barbie doll heads. Then when boys asked me for a little head, I gave them one.

[hospital]

DOCTOR: Your wife signed a DNR

ME: I’m here for a sprained ankle

DOCTOR: She insisted

I was telling my daughter that she doesn’t need to take everyone’s opinion into account and said “like if (person) told me I am a bad mom, I wouldn’t really care because—“

My 6 year old: IF SOMEONE CALLED YOU THAT I WOULD HIT THEM IN THE FACE