7: Golf is not fun to watch
ME: It is, if you understand the nuances and the context
7: What are nuances and context
Me: Details. Like the scoreboard, the decisions they make
7: They hit a ball, and it goes in–or not
Me:
7: Usually not
Me:
7: They aren’t even good at it.
You know Santa isn’t real because no man over 40 is out past 9PM.
My husband thinks he can just order me around like he’s one of the cats.
*On death bed*
Me: I’ve killed…so many..* whole family gasps while gazing intently*
Me: …so many…DM Rooms
Please don’t tell me how bad your life was growing up, we had to manually roll up our cars windows
Dear Satan…
For Christmas I want a cure for my dyslexia.
Eating a cucumber would be the 2nd worst way to discover that you are allergic to cucumbers.
Someone already tweeted it’s hot outside.
Delete your tweet.
If Mr Krabs owned a bar
Chores give kids a sense of responsibility while teaching relevant life skills such as procrastination.
My 5 yo always asks for 5 of any treat, because he thinks that’s how it works. I told him that was ridiculous while polishing off my 42nd chocolate chip cookie
My dead husband has to report for jury duty. He just can’t catch a break.
casino dealer: ok all bets on the table
cat: [pushes bets off the table]
dealer: stop that are you in or out
cat: YES
WIFE: He keeps pretending he’s a pilot.
THERAPIST: Is that true?
ME: *intercom noises* Prepare for the turbulence coming from Karen’s lies.
Just a thought. Why do trees get naked come Fall? They’re so careless too, just leaving their clothes everywhere
Me: And for my third wish…
Genie: You realize that Little Caesar’s pizza is very affordable, right?
NEIGHBOR: That’s the best haunted house I’ve seen. Terrifying Halloween decorations!
ME: [scattering body parts in the yard] Halloween?
HR: Do you want to sign up for 401k?
Me: Are you crazy? I can’t run that far!
Got in a relationship 15 hours ago and right on schedule, 3 men from my past have hit me up
*scroll*
*scroll*
*scroll*
[I just learned that different colors of the heart emoji mean different things]
*scroll*
*scroll*
*scroll*
Him: I’d like to order a medium pepperoni pizza . Will it be long?
Me: No Sir it will be round
Why did the belt get arrested?
He held up pants.Please don’t block me.
Take the road less traveled. Like, the one with the most mud, or the wettest grass, even if there’s a sidewalk nearby.
-Kids
Girlfriend just called me by my full given name.This is gonna end poorly.
Please continue finishing your text in the crosswalk, Mr. Pedestrian. It’s not like I’m driving a giant metal instrument of death.
*waving two guns around menacingly*
WHO TOOK BACK THEIR ‘LIKES’ FROM MY SELFIE
check in attendant: are you flying alone?
me: I’ll probably need a pilot
You’re never alone. Theres mold
I need someone else to prevent forest fires for like 10 minutes.
*puts words between two asterisks*
