7: Golf is not fun to watch
ME: It is, if you understand the nuances and the context
7: What are nuances and context
Me: Details. Like the scoreboard, the decisions they make
7: They hit a ball, and it goes in–or not
Me:
7: Usually not
Me:
7: They aren’t even good at it.
Starting a skydiving school called Active Chuters
Why it’s called a cellular membrane and not a gene-jacket I’ve no idea.
My followers loving my retweets but ignoring my own tweets like greedy children gobbling up junk food & ignoring their nutritious vegetables
Bird: We can fly so we can go anywhere, soar through the skies, glide through the air!!
Bird 2: It’s incredible!!
Bird: imma stand in the road
Bird 2: Me too
The sales guy kept pushing, though I’d already said “No”, many times. So I shouted, “Non!” “Net!” “Nein!”
But he wouldn’t take No foreign answer.
The shortest amount of time known to man is what scientists call a “sundae second.” It refers to the period of time between when your child says he is too full to finish dinner and when he asks for ice cream.
Don’t quote me, but I’m pretty sure mint Oreos are filled with toothpaste.
I have unrealistic expectations of my anti aging cream
I like long walks along the beach until the drugs wear off & I realize I’m actually crawling through the sand at the local construction site
If I’m grilling and I can see you grilling, we will engage in a ceremonial tong click and bow.
Ford vehicles names are more fun when you put “anal” in front of them..Probe, Explorer, Excursion, Endeavor, Ranger,etc
i ask my toddler what’s in the box she’s holding. “chaos!” she replies. “chaos! chaos!” i know she’s trying to say “crayons,” but it’s not like she’s wrong.
[God inventing children]
A: Aw, so cute.
G: Make ’em scream.
A: But –
G: All the time. Just scream their heads off.
Headline: “Female-named hurricanes kill more than male hurricanes because people don’t respect them, study finds”.
AKA, “My eye is up here”.
[inventing the toaster]
engineer: Ok it burns the bread if you put it at 4
chief engineer: perfect. Make it go up to 8
Dogs have dandruff and cats have dandmeow. Hi, I’m single.
PILOT: Welcome to flying school. Any questions?
ME: Is it possible to crash into a rainbow?
PILOT: Yes it’s how most of you will die. Next?
BREAKING NEWS:
Sting has been kidnapped.The Police have no lead.
Prosecutor: What exactly were you doing May 26, 2016?
Me: According to my tweets, I was sitting in my car eating Wendy’s.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over
Me: Idk, but could you move this along? I’ve had too much to drink and I really need to pee.
an hour on the treadmill is not so bad if you don’t turn it on.
Amish murderers get the acoustic chair.
My great grandfather always used to call me Alan. I thought it was him being silly, but I later discovered I was going to the wrong house.
(Watching the new James Bond Trailer)
Daughter 9: Wow. There is so much reckless driving happening here….
umbrellas are great if you only wanna get wet sideways.
bro: she stressing u out g??
me:
[first date that up until now is going extremely well]
date: it’s nice to finally meet a normal guy
me: my dog’s name is jeff
hi friends- for the new year I’m taking a break from life so I can focus on social media. if you need me you can find me here, constantly
