7: Golf is not fun to watch
ME: It is, if you understand the nuances and the context
7: What are nuances and context
Me: Details. Like the scoreboard, the decisions they make
7: They hit a ball, and it goes in–or not
Me:
7: Usually not
Me:
7: They aren’t even good at it.
I hate when I’m pooping alone in the house and I hear a noise.. please don’t kill me while i’m pooping..
one time my cousin greg put on two jean jackets and he exploded, there was mustache everywhere
Seize the day! Kidnap the evening! Murder the night! Assault the afternoon!
Why do *I* gotta dress for success? Maybe success could be the one who puts a little more into this relationship
not to brag but I can almost always tell when it’s a car with antlers instead of an actual reindeer.
Preparing myself for a post apocalyptic wasteland by learning how to sleep without the TV on
When I die , I want to be thrown out of a plane wearing a Superman costume.
No, YOU ploughed your car into your garage door because it was icy/you weren’t paying attention/whatever excuse is gonna get me out of trouble
run away with me except we’re driving so we’ll mostly sit
A horror movie, but it’s just me: struggling into my shape wear and then remembering I should’ve peed first.
spicy snake
Me: Babe, can you zip this for me?
Him: That’s an inflatable sumo suit.
Me: I’m flying United today.
Him: Don’t forget your helmet.
Shampoo bottles are more dramatic than little brothers. Like I barely touched you! Why did you fall down!?
Shoutout to all the bank robbers who aren’t being taken seriously anymore.
Married men aren’t allowed to go the grocery store alone because we’re the kid in the shopping cart, but with money
ME (an armchair psychiatrist): I think you’re crazy
ARMCHAIR:
Most people have 32 teeth. Some have 10.
Simple meth.
I eat too much candy. I know this because my dentist plans his annual trip to Hawaii after my appointments.
Kale is made of old hotel shower curtains.
Change my mind.
Nighttime can be so great when you have insomnia. You can clean up the house, read, watch a movie or even rearrange your old racist neighbors garden knomes to make her think she’s losing her mind. I’ve really turned into quality ‘me time.’
You can’t scare me. You’re not my dog the morning after she ate my jar of Vaseline
If they could just figure out how to put fluoride in beef jerky I wouldn’t have to brush my teeth ever again.
“Dave, don’t, he ain’t worth it bro”
im VERY laid back. i only care about 2 things:
every person on earth & their opinion of me
the crushing psychological weight of being alive
If we dated before I turned 18 you’re not my ex. You’re my childhood friend.
My lack of exercise is really catching up to me. Now it’s passing me. Wow, my lack of exercise is in great shape.
No parenting book prepares you to answer the question, “Does Lightning McQueen have car insurance or life insurance?”
Everyone’s a gangsta until you make eye contact with a stranger whilst shoveling tacos in your face.
No thanks farting robot on the wall I’ll use the paper towels to dry my hands nice try though
There’s a serious limit in how much one can take
