7 had questions about periods so I answered as best as I could and when I told her they happen every month, she burst into tears which is the appropriate response.
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Fred: Take his mask off, let’s see who he really is.
Velma: No Fred, we are in the middle of a pandemic.
*accidentally answers phone call*
*pretends to be answering machine*
Me in my 20’s: I graduated with honors
Me in my 40’s: I beat Waze to work
My Aunt Mabel was fond of saying that something was “uglier than homemade sin” but when asked what store bought sin might have looked like, she’d just get pissed.
[a 2nd grade classroom 5 yrs from now]
TEACHER: Khaleesi M, please leave Khaleesi S alone. Khaleesi T, I still need your permission slip
There’s a washer, a dryer but not a folder.
[teaching son to brush his teeth]
Me: this is the part of your skeleton that everyone sees
Before I had kids I wasn’t a morning person but after parenting for years I can finally look at the beautiful sunrise every day and say, I’m still not
My neighbor has a huge warehouse/shop and is alway in there banging away on something or doing stuff but never really producing anything. I just know that one day Dateline is going to interview me and ask if I knew what was going on in there…
friends: if bruce wayne was poor batman wouldn’t exist
me: *under breath* what the hell does bruce wayne have to do with batman
Male writers often compare women to dessert foods. E.g. ‘She had brown chocolate eyes and cherry red lips.’ Whereas, they tend to describe men using savoury foods. E.g. ‘His leg was like a massive baguette.”
You know shit’s about to get real when I put on yoga pants before dessert.
Chief: You’re the WORST cop in the department! Hand over your gun and badge!
Me: *realising I left both in my son’s crib* Uhhhhh….
I find that honking the horn is an effective way to tell another driver, “You’re not going to believe this but you are driving a car right now”
a nightmare where I’m performing disney on ice – but I don’t know how to do it, so I panic and just fireman-carry my partner around the arena for the entire seven and a half minute song, serenaded by the boos of furious children
I really hate it when I have to go to work because my abundant wealth doesn’t exist.
There’s no candy called Smithereens, and I’m terribly disappointed with everything.
Why is it so hard for hitchhikers to say “I love you too”?
Who has two thumbs and refused to read the instruction manual for his electric carving knife? Not my Uncle Joel, that’s for sure.
baby cows are called calves bc it’s half a cow. half cow. calf. no more questions
ugh he wants to go hiking as a first date, just like hitler
I’m going to donate these clothes I don’t wear anymore to charity after I drive them around in the trunk of my car for eight months.
A chia pet tampon so you can have a lil sheep for your troubles.
I used to think my mother in law liked me but then she bought our 11 year old a learn to play harmonica kit for his birthday
Dog pissed about wearing cone after surgery. Dog spends night banging cone against walls, keeping human awake.
Dog-1
Human-0
*being broken up with*
Me: I thought we were on the same page!
Her: We are! It’s just the page of the dictionary that has “awesome” and “awful” on it
The moon landing was faked. They actually went to Mars, and I can prove it.