Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Boss:”I’ll need those projections done Aesop!”

Me:”You mean ASAP?”

Boss:”No, I mean a parable that uses animals to convey a moral lesson.”

I always have an elaborate flow chart on hand in case people ask me “What’s the worst that can happen?”

Can’t wait for the Olympics to start so the country can be on the same side again

Nintendo say they are protecting children from inappropriate language online by making their voice chat app so bad that nobody will use it

Washing machine doesn’t give a shit

freak people out in public restrooms by saying “come in” when they knock on the stall door

Wife: “Sorry, but my OBGYN said no sex for six weeks after childbirth.”
Me: “Oh, ok. What about…”
Wife: “My dentist said six weeks too.”

I wanted to be Batman when I was a kid. So I kept leading my parents into dark alleys in the bad part of town.

Facebook should figure out a way to make baby pictures into a renewable source of energy because then we would never have to worry again

Me: Do you have the Harry Potter audiobook?
DJ: no

*changes column width by one millimeter in Microsoft Word*

*table stretches to five pages*

Looking for a nice bog witch to settle down with

I haven’t seen Criss Angel in awhile …. I have to say this is by far his best magic trick ever.

It’s 97 degrees outside and my kids want to sit in the hot tub. The devil needs to come pick up his children

hate when people say “if u think this is better than sex, u haven’t had good sex!”, like no, maybe you’ve just never had good lasagna, Carol

cop: what happened?

librarian: someone stole $10,000 worth of college textbooks

coo: how’d he do that?

librarian: I think he hid them both in his jacket

[Deathbed]

Gandalf: *struggling to sit up* Frodo

Frodo: yes Gandalf?

Gandalf: theres something i always wanted to say

Frodo: *tearing up at the thought of being told he is like a son to him* yes?

Gandalf: we- *dying breath* we totally could have rode the eagles the whole way

You know what comes after “leg day”?

Can’t walk up or down stairs day

amazon trucks should play a lil song so we know they’re coming

(Invention of the necktie)

I can’t figure out how to tie this silk noose. Looks like I’ll have to go to the dinner party after all.

Dear women who just gave birth,

Stop naming your child ‘Khalessi’.

Sincerely,
The rest of the human race

Piers Morgan. RT @DavidPressman: Anyone else nude and crying?

*being dragged from the car wash*
But I only shaved one leg!

3-year-old: *sits at the table forever without touching anything*

Me: *eats one cold chicken nugget*

3: THAT WAS MINE!

Received an email that my “services are no longer needed effective immediately” & “good luck on your future endeavors”. Frankly I think my wife should have told me in person.

The only times I go for a jog is when there’s a cute guy in front of me or a creepy guy behind me.

A fun part of marriage is arguing over who deserves to use the charger in the car. PROVE IT, SHOW ME YOUR PERCENTAGE

Your mom doesn’t understand
Your dad doesn’t understand
Your friends don’t understand

But french fries, french fries understand you

Once you’ve had a bug on you everything is a bug on you for the rest of the day.