7 had questions about periods so I answered as best as I could and when I told her they happen every month, she burst into tears which is the appropriate response.
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absolutlely despise when a recipe tells me to add 2 cups of onion. they don’t come in cups. they come in onions.
Him: Who sings American Woman?
Me: Guess Who.
Him: Lenny Kravitz?
Me: Guess Who did it first.
Him: I don’t know.
Me: Guess Who.
Him: …
Here’s the upside to having kids who are older:
I just sent out a group text letting them all know they’re on their own for dinner.
Just got revenge on someone who wronged me 6 Years ago. Never be Relaxed ever. I’m coming
*Jan 1, 9 AM PST*
5: Can we play music in our room?
Me: Sure!
5: Any music?
Me: Whatever you want!
5: ALEXA! PLAY ROCKIN AROUND THE CHRISTMAS TREE!
Me: Nooooooooooooo
Corona-na-na-na-na Corona-na-na-na-na MASK MAAAAAN
Soft pretzels come one of two ways:
– no salt
– enough salt for ten miles of roadway before a snowstorm
Breaking news:
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Wanna stand off to the side of a golf gallery in a Teletubby costume
If we’d just get used to eating bugs now, then they’ll be plenty of food when all those locusts come from that bottomless pit promised to us in Revelations 9:1:3.
You told your cat how much you love him, but now it’s morning, the sun is out, you’re sober, and it’s just weird for both of you.
seems fine
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Caught my kid forging my signature and I have to say, pretty good for a third grader
From my experience, the worst thing you can say at the end of a date is, “That’ll do, pig.”
Taking my husband’s last name doesn’t mean I’m not a feminist it means I don’t want anyone I went to high school with to be able to find me ever again
One thing I love about kids is that they will walk up to a complete stranger and just say the most bizarre shit like “teeth are just hair for your mouth” then just wander off again and it’s like wait I have follow up questions my dude but they’ve already moved on with life
Sometimes parenting means asking the tough questions like “why is there a rock in the refrigerator?”
If a guy says he’ll take you to pound town, ask for details about the puppies. I’m not taking that trip unless there’re puppies.
U U U U U U
An American’s tile rack after a Scrabble game.
ISAAC NEWTON: i have just discovered gravity
EVERYONE ELSE: hey how come i can’t float around anymore
Please take the smartphone away from your pets, they are spamming your Facebook with selfies.
Being an adult means I’m in charge of my own bedtime, and I’ve realized I’m not equipped to handle that responsibility.
I’m an introvert, but my middle finger is an extrovert.
AC just changed cole slaw to coke slaw so I’ll be busy looking for new recipes
or a new dealer. depends on the recipe I guess
Just went through a month of transactions on my bank account because someone has been spending my money… and lo and behold – it was me
Me: haha should I get out and push
Everyone on The Submarine: YES
“Wow, this toilet is really uncomfortable…”
~Me drunk in the hot tub as my guests throw themselves out
I don’t care your religion, sexual preference or politics, if you’re a respectful person, I’ve have a drink with you…
Them: Great, I’ll order a decaf
Me: Get the hell out of my sight!
Her: The problem with men is they only ever want one thing!
Me *nodding wistfully* a sequel to Ratatouille
am i supposed to have a separate mouth with which to kiss my mother please advise