Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“WHAT ARE WE TO TELL THE CHILDREN ABOUT GAYS MARRYING?”

Dunno. I’ll ask my 5-year-old, who just married her stuffed bear to a stuffed pony.

Sometimes I drown cookies in milk in front of their family until they tell me the whereabouts of the Keebler Elves.

Comedian does amazing perfect crowd work

If you gotta turn on the oven for nachos you might as well make a cake too. It’s in the bible, I think.

Stealing endorsements is not how you become the president of the United States, homie. Leave my name out ya mouth…

Frontier flight attendant: Sir, I regret to inform you that we are going to have to cancel this flight.

*hands me a parachute*

Answers phone breathlessly

Friend: Sorry!! Didn’t know you had company
Me: I was washing floors
F: Oh…is that the new code?
Me: No…

Cop: can u describe your attacker
Me: super aggressive, with a big nose & powerful arms
Cop: u just described a seagull
Me: he took my chips

Me: Man, I’m tired of hearing about politics.
The universe: Cool, here’s nothing but Taylor Swift.

I keep banana skins within reach at work because you never know when you’re going to need to make a murder look like an accident.

Jokes on all you idiots hoarding toilet paper, I’ve been hoarding fast food napkins FOREVER so I am SET.

Robin: Well, I’m a terrible fighter. I get held hostage hella easy. I say “holy” literally about anything that happens

Batman: You’re hired

Doormat
Placemat
Yoga mat
Laundry mat

Yes, it’s another four mat tweet.

genie: “thats definitely your last wish?”
me: [smiles at my wife in wheelchair] “yes”
genie: “ok”
our dog: “how can i talk all of a sudden?”

Wife: So you write tweets about us?

Me: Sometimes

Wife: Do you embellish them to make them interesting?

Dwayne Johnson: I bet he does

Me: Stay out of this, The Rock

Me: if I told you that you have a beautiful body, would you hold it against me?

Funeral Director: Please leave sir

“Live each day like it’s your last”

Wow okay but that’s A LOT of flipping the bird at everyone

Me: my imposter syndrome is pretty bad. I feel like I don’t deserve to be here, I’m not good enough

Satan: what

[at train station]

Cashier: May I help you?

Me (thumbing through a wad of Monopoly money): Yeah, I’d like to buy this place

[Interrogation room]

Me: *throws chair at wall* TALK

Chair: OK OK…the beast keeps the rose in his chambers

me: hey your birthday is one day away

6yo: we just call that tomorrow

me:

Me: These books are half price.

Wife: Yeah.

Me: So I can save money.

Wife: Uh huh.

Me: By buying ten times as many.

Wife: NO.

🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣

[Séance]
*knock, knock*
ME: Wh-who’s there?
[ouija board spells out A-T-C-H]
ME: atch who?
[spells out B-L-E-S-S-Y-O-U]
ME: Dammit, Grandpa!

One time my dad caught me smoking an e-cig so he took me out to the shed and made me smoke an entire VCR.

if I were in a comic book I would never wear clothes, I would just constantly scream a huge speech bubble over my body

Me: you seem disappointed

Dracula: *holding a bloody Mary* it’s fine, I’m fine

When I say something occurred under mysterious circumstances it means I forgot the circumstances.