Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

meow wolf is doing a brand partnership with our local version of chipotle and they’ve got a tie-dye tortilla for burritos so I ordered it, why not. I haven’t stopped laughing since I unwrapped it because it looks like it’s covered in mold

wait a minute….

Thank god I played a lot of Tetris as a kid or I never would have been able to get everything into the freezer

As a kid: I hope to one day cure diseases and be an Olympic swimmer.

Me as an adult: I hope to one day finish a bottle of shampoo and conditioner at the same time.

My sex life is like Coca-Cola; first it was normal, then light and now zero.

The greatest joy you can feel as a parent is when you get the call that they’ve canceled your kid’s Saturday sporting event.

Just parrot things

the nice thing about my ADHD is that if my apartment is haunted I will literally never notice it

“silly me, always leaving these cupboards and drawers open and the sink running at full blast,” I say, as a frustrated ghost screams into a pillow in the corner

When you’re on a date that’s not going well, just start talking about genital psoriasis.

You’re welcome.

*waking up hogtied in the trunk of a car*
………
*goes back to sleep*

I lose bobby pins in my hair. Please don’t ask me to babysit your kids.

guys, i almost wrote an inspirational tweet what is happening

Emails from your boss assigning you work do not qualify as cyber bullying.

I checked.

Celery was created by big dentist just to sell more dental floss.

Currently being yelled at by my sour patch 5yo daughter for “not playing Barbies right” bc I decided to make mine a 9-year-old girl from Brooklyn who sounds like she has smoker’s lung and lives above a pizzeria.

“I’m just here for a good time, not for a long time.”

– me, talking to the fridge

I imagine the best part about driving a smart car is that when there’s no parking spots you can just put it in your backpack.

The Tin Man carries around an axe because he is constantly afraid Ironman is going to hit on his wife.

11 hands me a tooth & demands money, which means she knows the fairy isn’t real…

but thinks the market for teeth is.

[pirate ship]
Pirate: Walk the plank
Me: *struts down like nobody’s business*
Pirate: wait come back that was awesome you’re one of us now

I just want to be rich enough to donate enough money to have a wing at the mental hospital named after me

Let the bodies hit the floor? Ok but first let me put down some plastic this is new carpet I don’t want to ruin it my mom will be pissed

Him: Is that a horse drawn carriage?

Her: I can’t quite tell

Horse: *sobbing* Well you try holding a pencil with your hooves

They sacked me for putting profit before people – I was a terrible dictionary compiler

I was reading a book with my 7yo where a teacher was getting married and INVITED ALL HER STUDENTS and then the students started SECRETLY PLANNING THE WEDDING to help out and I was so stressed out like “wtf, how is this gonna pan out, these kids don’t know how to hire a band”

If I vaped, I would 100% become a ninja so I could disappear into a cloud of strawberry watermelon.

One time I microwaved my lunch at work and my coworker said “That smells spicy! What is that–is that salt?” And when I was speechless she followed up with “Is it pepper?”

Hello, I’ve finished my free trial of adulting and I’m no longer interested. I’d like to cancel my subscription. Is there a manager I can speak to?

Me: the floor is lava

Pompeii: everything is lava

I’m not laughing AT you, I’m laughing WITH other people at you.