Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

the other day a bartender told me his high school did a performance of RENT where they couldn’t say AIDS so all the characters had diabetes

[i’m on the ship’s deck, dragging around a board by a rope]

PIRATE CAPTAIN: *rubs temples* that’s not what i meant by “walk the plank”

Snow white: it’s really starting to get dark in the forest & I’m gettting scared!

Huntsman: How do you think I feel! I’ve gotta find my way back on my own.

INTERVIEWER: Where do you see yourself in five years?

ME: Probably my communication skills.

I think being an anxiety/antisocial person would save me in most horror movie scenarios.

I don’t answer my phone or my door, I’m rarely out after 7 pm, and if I hear a weird noise, I ignore it as its none of my business.

But…I do like antiques, haunted trinkets would get me.

I like my eggs like I like my nose: runny. Wait. That’s not right. I like my eggs like I like my tigers: poached. Huh? No! I like my eggs li

whole milk is 100% milk. 2% milk is 2% milk and 98% also milk. skim milk is 0% milk but somehow also 100% milk. hope this helps

Start hating people now, so you don’t have to buy them a Christmas present. Don’t wait until the last minute.

“i can’t go because of coronavirus”
– whiny
– boring
– weak

“i’ve sworn an oath of solitude til the blight is purged from these lands”
– heroic, valiant
– they will assume you have a sword
– impossible to check if you really have a sword because of coronavirus

If you think flossing before a dentist appointment is bad, just wait until your first colonoscopy.

[Wizard Starbucks]

Barista: I have a tall white chocolate mocha for Ron

Voldemort: [visibly upset] excuse me I’ve been waiting for an hour on my triple shot soy latte w/light foam and no one has called my name yet!

Talk to me, like lovers do
Judge: You wanted to approach the bench to say that?

It’s a comfort knowing Dad is looking down on me, but we should probably cut his hang-glider out of that tree one of these days.

If someone ever asks you for advice just reply with “Buy a penguin”. Imagine a scenario where that isn’t awesome.

You shouldn’t underestimate the number of places that you can’t put your finger after you’ve been chopping chillies.

“Aww. You guys… And it’s not even my real birthday! #flattered .”
-Jesus

I need a guy who’s cute charming smells good smells really good like cinnamon and sugar and flaky crust and actually I just need some pie

I think I have to give up cheese and my transformation to bitter old lady is complete

FRIEND: it’s saturday! you know what that means…
ME: hell yeah baby *secretly googles what does saturday mean*

Branch manager is like “I need you both to be on the reference desk.”
“Oh. I have some work I was going to do in the back.”
“Just do it at the desk, it won’t be too busy.”
“Then why do you need me there?”
“Because it’s gonna be really busy.”

According to hotel AC, the difference between 72 degrees and 73 degrees is 40 degrees.

i live in constant fear of being asked to repeat what you just said after i say im listening

I don’t like changing clocks twice a year. It gets expensive buying new clocks.

I’m glad my bed can’t speak because it has seen me in some weird positions

You’re right. My money don’t jiggle jiggle. That’s the folds of my dad bod. Yea. They wiggle wiggle too.

her: *tasting the punch* this is delicious, what’s your secret?

me: i added ginger

her: *laughing* my cat is called ginger

ginger: *wet meows*

My favorite part of The Nun Is when the priest goes “You’re gonna need a bigger nun.”

Me:
Uber driver:
Me:
Uber driver:
Me:
Uber driver:

*5 stars*

*spits out mouthful of peacock feathers* I’m sorry, I thought these were for just anyone to eat. *gets escorted from zoo*

For main female characters, prom is inevitable. Even if you try to skip it, a perfectly-fitting dress will appear in your life.
Lock the doors, or run far away. No matter where you go, prom will find you.