Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Doctor: You have emphysema

Batman: How?

Doctor: Probably from throwing smoke bombs to get out of tough situations

Batman:

Doctor:

Batman: *throws smoke bomb*

asked my roommate for an update on my cat tofu and she sent me this 😭

If ex asks you to go bungee jumping remember, cord goes around feet not neck, no matter what they tell you.

Mint flavored condoms called condomints. Thanks for following.

Zombie: Ugh. Brains again?

Zombie wife: Well it’s not like you’ll eat anything else, Greg!

Millennials complain a lot about how we can’t afford homes or retirement savings like our parents, but we have a lot of things they didn’t…like GPS, food allergies, adult acne, side hustles, and fluency in mental health terminology.

my dog is like me. you can call her and make all the kissy noises you want , she ain’t coming unless it’s her idea.

[text]

Her: I picked up buffalo wings.

Me: * moves furniture around
* rolls out plastic sheeting

some of yall afraid to be corny but i was born on the cob

Me: I’d like the chocolate soufflé
Waiter: It takes 45 minutes to prepare
M (right in her face): Then why are you still talking to me?

In hell, everything you have Googled in your lifetime will scroll across a jumbotron.

ex gf moved out and took all the herbs and spices. i will never financially recover from this

Walk in the club wearing my transition lenses like “What up who’s here gimme about 30 seconds and then we can get this party started ladies”

I saw a little field mouse while out on a 10k this evening. We regarded each other for a moment and I was struck by the sheer beauty of having an excuse to casually drop I logged a 10k this evening.

Boeing astronauts racking up that sweet overtime.

I know we’re not supposed to say this, but our second black president looks just like our first black president to me.

When people call me a monster I always hope they mean a cute one like Cookie Monster

A thief has removed all the motorway signs in Yorkshire. Police are currently trying to find Leeds.

7-year-old: You got a letter!

Me: It’s a bill. I owe money.

7: Not if you throw it away.

She’s my financial planner now.

On Tuesday, my husband and I celebrate 19 years of marriage, and I need gift ideas. What do I buy for a man who already has an incredible wife?

Yes, my kid will do the required amount of maths homework for a 6yo… when he has kids and they turn 6.

[after putting a fake mustache on an elephant]
FRIEND: You seen my elephant?
ME: no
FRIEND: [eyeing elephant] Maybe this fine gentleman has

There are three types of people:

1. Annoying people
2. Annoying people I am sleeping with
3. People I haven’t met

What happens in Vegas will most likely cost you a fortune in dry cleaning.

long lost

If the pandemic has taught us anything, it’s how much we can do with our knuckles and elbows.

Therapist: what would you say to your dad if he were alive today?
Me: sorry for cremating you. I honestly thought you were dead

16: If you could pick your own pronouns, what would they be?

Me: Well, I can and I choose cheesecake.

16: Cheesecake isn’t a pronoun.

Me: Yes, but everyone loves cheesecake.

16: Exactly, pick something else.

[Earth, looking at her face in mirror after a date]
Oh, no! How long has that volcano been there?

Hold up how is Popeye strong enough to squeeze a metal can of spinach into his mouth BEFORE he’s eaten the spinach