Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My daily affirmation before work goes something like this: “I enjoy receiving a paycheck.”

For Sale : Used Facebook account ~ get up to the minute weather forecast, religious counseling and countless pictures of Jenny’s cat.

His and her closets is code for “she gets two closets.”

A midwife is just the wife between your first and third one

My husband made it back from Charlotte and went directly from the airport to a “work meeting” at a casino resort. Any one else think this seems suspicious? 🤔

“What’s the worst thing that could happen?” isn’t supposed to be a challenge.

dont put all your eggs in one basket, put them in the little egg tray in the fridge thats what its for you idiot

Me: Hey boss sorry I’m late but my –

Boss: The chain from your wallet got tangled on your bicycle seat again…

Me: yeah

Today I came across a snake that seemed parched and tired, so I gently trickled some water from my water bottle on its snout for a few minutes and it quietly sipped. One of those nature moments that was nice but in retrospect makes me look like some sort of evil forest spirit

“Dayyuuuum Giiiiirrrl… Did you fall from Heaven?”

*pokes body with stick*

I’ve had so much cough medicine and this has me in tears

I’m far enough into my kids’ summer camp that my clothes dryer is now just a sandbox

What if IN DA CLUB was a Christmas Song?

still laughing at the idea that the reason someone orders pizza delivery every day is they can’t afford bowls

My toddler is screaming because I won’t give him an apple off of the counter, but what he refuses to acknowledge is that is not an apple.

It’s an onion.

My toddler is crying because I won’t let him eat an onion.

Baby Bella mushroom: Where did I come from?

Full of shiitake biology teacher:
Well when umami and udadi who love each other very much…

*Press Conference*

Physicist: We found gravitational waves near a black hole

Surfer: *raises hand* Wait dude, so can you carve on these bombs? Are they rippable

Physicist: Nah. Due to tidal forces near the event horizon these waves are extremely gnarly brah, like so aggro

If Christian Bale has never cancelled a date and said “sorry to Bale on you” then I don’t think he is living life to the fullest.

Here’s how I gained 27Ibs of muscle in 5 weeks:
Lying.

What woman say right before they kill you:

Wow.
Fine.
Whatever.
No problem.
I’m not mad.
Nothing’s wrong.
Sure, stay friends with your ex.

How to be a Canadian:

1) Love hockey
2) Use good manners
3) Drink Tim Hortons
4) Live in a igloo
5) Hunt moose with stick

Couple down the street from us celebrated 53 years of marriage the other day.

I asked the wife “how did you do it?”

She said “my knees tired”.

They go to church every Sunday so I THINK she meant pray.

But Jesus Christ i just ain’t all the way sure.

I dunno maybe go make out with a hot toaster

* Kindergarten*

Hi kids! I’m the homeroom mom for your class. [writes name on chalkboard]

[Boy Raises hand]
We can’t read. No one can read

sober: damn im too lazy to make any food tonight

after two beers: it’s time to cook all the spaghetti in my kitchen

I need plastic surgery to fix whatever it is about my face that gives people the impression I want to hear about their relationship problems

What is a good name for a nun in Heaven?

If you guessed “Heaven nun” or “Angel nun” you’re wrong.

The answer is “Nun of the Above”.

are we supposed to just accept that gingerbread men live in houses built from the flesh of their fellow men

Aliens: WHY SHOULD HUMANITY BE SPARED?

Me: whoa ok, you guys have chosen the wrong dude to argue this case