7: I don’t want you to have any more babies
Me: That’s okay because I’m not having any more babies
7: Good, but I’m still gonna worry till you’re 50
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[family game night]
Me: do u understand now, grandma? U understand the rules now?
Mum [tappin my shoulder]: she gets it. Loosen the headlock
I react to seeing a pizza the way most women react when they see a baby. It makes me want another one of my own.
it’s highly problematic to celebrate the 4th of july when there are literally hundreds of other days in july
Technically, it’s not road rage once you pull into their living room.
Therapist: You try too hard to get people to like you
Me: [painting her toenails] I need a “for instance”
I couldn’t take Breaking Bad seriously bc Walter White looked like Ned Flanders.
Meow should be an acceptable answer to any question that can’t be answered with yes or no. For example:
-What’s your favorite colour?
-Meow
Now you’re thinking there isn’t such a colour, but you don’t know all colours, and new colours are born every day, so..
I’ve watched this 19 times this morning.
this will hang in the louvre one day
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[restaurant]
ME: *reading menu* how’s the chicken parm?
OUR WAITER, TONY THE TIGER: it’s grr-
MANAGER: *glares at Tony*
TONY: it’s exquisite
Inuits have 50 words for snow. Brits have 50 things named pudding
Give a man a fish he eats for a day then explains fishing to you even though you’re the one who gave him the fish
I began speaking English with a French intonation after a fender bender. Well, I guess accents will happen.
My Car would not run, neighbor said it was a problem with the stringy thing..Took it to a Quantum Mechanic and he disagreed w string theory
DOCTOR: I’m afraid I’ve got bad news
ME: *pulls an apple from pocket*
DOCTOR: *sweating* GOOD NEWS, I MEANT GOOD NEWS
If anyone tells me doing something is a piece of cake, I presume it will gradually kill me by making me fat.
I’ve stopped drinking for good. I only drink for evil now.
Adulthood is when sleeping in is an acceptable birthday present.
I napped the entire afternoon away.
I still feel like garbage but at least I’m well-rested garbage.
Toh the desire to sin is so great 😜😂😄🤣🤷😜
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You know those lines you see painted on parking lots? I know this will come as a shock to some of you, but you’re supposed to park between them.
{Packing for trip}
ME: I always thought they were called “soupcases”.
HER: Why would they be called soupcases?
ME: Well why would they be called suitcases?
HER: Because they’re for your suits.
ME:
HER:
ME: Okay I need to repack.
I drive with my hands at ten and two, but they’re crossed.
DOG BOSS: ur fired
ME: wait, is there any way you’ll reconsider?
DOG BOSS: no
ME: u want to go for a ride in the car
DOG BOSS: *tilts head*
*shows up to date with horse drawn carriage*
“I’m so surprised!”
Yes it’s a terrible drawing of a carriage but he didn’t have thumbs so
MAN: What are you doing?
ME: [pointing gun at lake] Fishing
MAN: No way will-
SALMON: [walks out of lake with fins up]
*sees a fly*
ahhh
*trying to swat fly*
nooo
*gives up*
well if ur gona stay at least pay rent lol
FLY: *hands me a tiny check*
ME: wat the
Dance like no one is watching. Email it like it might be read aloud one day in front of a Jury.
Whoa. I guess one dude quit:
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goals for 2016:
1) spend more time with my son
2) learn about his fav video games
3) defeat him
4) become video game household champion