7: “I know why pee is yellow. Because you have to squeeze to get pee out, like a lemon.”
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5: the teacher moved me to the blue table
Me: oh did she move a lot of kids?
5: yeah, some people were touching other people’s nerves
Me: oh who?
5: I don’t know THEY WERE TOUCHING NERVES!
Me: oh ok
5:
Me:
5: what are nerves?
I’m returning this head of lettuce. It tastes awful.
“Sir, that’s a loofah.”
Oh. I’m returning this loofah. Someone took a bite out of it.
5 made a window cling, and it’s the most corrupt Sun I’ve ever seen.
all that yoga finally paid off
Pro-tip: The best way to keep people away from you in public is to carry a clipboard. People fear the living shit out of clipboards.
Homophobia is stupid. Who the hell is afraid of homes.
Parents please check your kids’ Halloween candy. Just found an orca inside of a Hershey bar. Stay safe this Halloween.
The worst part about getting Covid was losing my ability to smell what The Rock was cooking. 😕
if i text you “🤩” it means i have a starfish over each eye
You’re more likely to die falling down a flight of stairs than from being attacked by a shark especially if I’m standing behind you.
Glad I spent all this money on Bath & Body Works body wash just to make my wash cloths smell nice
Obama keeps trying to get me to kiss this top secret document from Syria but I keep telling him I’m not the kinda guy who’ll kiss intel
My computer keeps giving me an error message saying “The Printer Can’t Be Found.” Uh buddy it’s RIGHT NEXT TO YOU, HELLO
Trapped beneath the feet of a bearded giant…
Cut off from the world.
Stephen King & Pixar present:
“A BUG’S LIFE 3: UNDER THE GNOME”
Definition of Rap Songs: Anything that is too stupid to be spoken is sung.
I can’t find anything in my job description about being awake
Now that I’m a dad, I can just fearlessly blurt out “Congress are a bunch of losers” and go back to reading the sports section.
Salad was likely invented after someone picked everything they didn’t like out of their meal and put it on a separate plate.
If I ever ask you, very seductively, “Do you wanna do it?”
It means take a nap.
[goes up to a pair of identical twins]
so how did yall meet
I like both candidates but I think we need somebody older
Have kids so there’s always someone around to hand you trash
I’m like a swan. But not in the elegant grace way, in the way I’m surprisingly violent if you get between me and bread.
I consider sexual harrassmemt a compliment. I mean they only do it if your hot right?
I have a friend named Stacy. My husband calls her Tracy. After correcting him several times, we are finally both calling her Tracy.
me to my boyfriend: hey hey you you i don’t like your girlfriend
[at the mechanic]
mechanic: what is the problem
me: my car
Rent in the city is getting ridiculous. I pay $775 to live in a barista’s beard. I have 3 roommates.
As a man I’ll never know the what the pain of child birth feels like. But I’m guessing the pain of stubbing your toes has to be really close.
Our tree caught on fire we threw it outside and the dog dragged it back into the House