7: “I know why pee is yellow. Because you have to squeeze to get pee out, like a lemon.”
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The closest thing I’ve had to a personal trainer is the ice cream truck that drove past my house.
kinda wild that i pay tons of money in taxes for bombs each year and have no bombs
i noticed you haven’t tweeted in a few weeks and just wanted to thank you
“911”
you gotta help, my wife is in labour in the backseat
“how far apart are the contractions?”
about 2 miles but I’m driving pretty fast
The police have just found my stash of ceremonial chairs in my transparent garden potting shed. Just goes to prove…
People in glass houses shouldn’t stow thrones
Why yes, Autocorrect, I AM driving to work in a horse-drawn cabbage.
[Having a tea party]
Kid: *takes sip, spits it out*
Me: Oops, I gave you the wrong one! So sorry that’s Mommy’s “tea”
New children’s book I’m working on: “Nobody poops but you, you disgusting little freak”.
When someone asks me if my twins are natural I tell them no they’re robots.
“I like your skinny jeans, are they new?”
No, I bought them 15lbs ago
When did white people become such fucking pussies?
*Makes joke on Twitter*
*5 Retweets*
*Makes same joke on Facebook*
*5 comments from aunts saying that the joke was inappropriate*
I would watch Real Housewives if it was like Game of Thrones and they would occasionally and suddenly behead one of the main characters.
hey, alexa
M: If someone calls you the wrong name is it rude to correct them?
Interviewer: I meant questions about the job, Kim.
M: Well, I’m Ursula.
I’ve learned something today – “dibs” is not the appropriate response when your best friend announces their divorce.
[making octopuses]
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: no
I used to think chiropractors were useless till I had back problems… Now, I stand corrected.
Me: If you wear a bikini to the zoo is it a zucchini
LeBron: I…is this the right room? The nurse said you were dying
Me: Dying to meet you
Coach: Hi I’m Coach Mike. Let’s all introduce ourselves!
7yo: I’m Coach Tommy
Coach: No wait…
Next kid: Let’s all be coaches!
*the whole team cheers*
Welcome to U8 soccer, Mike.
Ways to tell a woman’s mad at you:
1. She’s silent.
2. She’s yelling.
3. She acts the same.
4. She acts different.
5. She murdered you.
[someone kicks a dumpster out of anger]
ME (from inside): Who is it?
Can’t, holding a grudge
The house has to be spotless so the AC repair technician isn’t disappointed in me.
*Wife busts me installing locks on man-cave door*
Wife : Great idea! That will keep the kids out!
Me : Uh… yeah. The kids.
(guy glaring at me because he wants to use the stationary bike) *adds 72 hours to cardio workout*
no officer these drugs aren’t mine i stole them
middle names are so funny. it’s like ok what if we gave this baby a second worse name that’s a little bit of a secret ?? and it kind of has to be marie
Me: Mistakes my own hair for a spider at least once a day & screams
Also me: [watching Criminal Minds] I could totally be a cop
“I’ve got chills. They’re multiplying.” “Sir, you’re going into shock. Please stop narrating–” “And I’m losing control.” “Sir!”