Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: *quits life and moves into a pillow fort*

Them: You need to live in the present.

Me: *covers fort in wrapping paper*

I’ve been listening to the official workout station on Pandora for 3 months and I’m still fat, I’m calling bullshit.

I started a petition to ban people from collecting autographs.

So far I’ve got 5,000 signatures.

Sorry I was staring at your nachos while you were talking about your painful divorce

Not to get political, but my vote will go to the candidate who promises to pass a law making it illegal to earnestly call a sandwich a “sando.”

For anyone who needs this today

*accidentally pokes finger in my eye* I can’t even trust myself anymore.

*runs into long lost friend*

Him- I started out on the bottom now I’m a district MGR. what do you do?

Me- I disappoint people

Why is it called a “prison compound” and not a “guilt complex”?

“You’ve got something in your teeth”

Me: that always happens when I have porcupine for lunch

I just saw a woman walk out of the pizza place with 8 large pizzas. Stay with me I’m gonna live stream my proposal..

Pilot: There’s a loose…

Engineer: Tape.

P: And some rivets hav…

E: Tape.

P: Also signs of metal fatigu…

E: Tape.

P: And a panel is missi…

E: Tape.

P: Hydraulic failu…

E: Tape.

P: Th…

E: Tape.

P:

E: Tape.

[First Date]

Him: Great dress.
Me: Oh, this?

*flips hair*
*twirls*
*skirt flares*
*foot catches*
*face plants*

Him:
Me: Hey! Come back!

*gets first nose bleed since childhood*

Apparently our periods have synced, can I have some Midol and a tampon?

Me: (to myself) what is wrong with you

Myself: (to me) oh like you don’t know

Starbucks coffee is disgusting. First of all it tastes like soap, second of all u have to get it from dispensers in the BATHROOM????

Assassin implies the existence of Assassout and frankly I’m all for it

“Why don’t traffic cops wear pullovers?” and other questions that I ponder at 3:30 a.m.

Uglier.

Angel: But, sir…

I SAID UGLIER!

– God inventing cycling outfits.

Writers should get a direct line to the FBI so we can call them and give them a heads up when we’re googling ways to poison someone but just for a story.

When mad at the hubby, I just tweet about it. I don’t sleep with a waitress that looks just like him. I’m talking to you David Arquette.

So disappointed that they canceled the New York City Marathon. This was going to be the year I lied about running it.

*Dog puts cupcake on my nose and tells me to “stay”

Whenever I see a family and one child is trudging slightly behind everyone and crying, I want to lean in and whisper, “Someday you will write jokes.”

My kids just watched this video where two You Tubers stopped playing piano to fight each other with knives.

Me: Wow, you two really like comedy

Son: Who doesn’t like comedy?

Daughter: Who doesn’t like knives?

Years ago I was able to find the trashcan in a friend’s kitchen on the first try, and I’ve been riding that high ever since

NEW YORKERS: we need more housing

DEVELOPERS: you mean, like, little baby apartments?

NEW YORKERS: no, real housing

DEVELOPERS: we made the little baby apartments.

NEW YORKERS:

DEVELOPERS: you cannot afford them.

NEW YORKERS:

DEVELOPERS: they are “luxury” 😆

All these years you thought your grandma had Alzheimers, and turns out she just didn’t want to talk to you.

(burglar breaks into my house)

me: Reginald, kill!

pet caterpillar: *scooch scooch scooch*

Him: Your test came back, and it’s negative.

Me: Whew! Thank goodness.

Him: No, your math test. You’re failing this class.