Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I am dedicated. I go to the gym every day, and I’ve kept my sea monkeys alive for 12 years.

I hope this email finds you-

Waldo: *slams laptop shut* holy fuck that was close

My 10 year old:
If nothing is faster than the speed of light, how did darkness get there first?
Me: WHAT?!

When you’re a kid, you think you’re never gonna grow up, and then one day you’re in your 30s and you suddenly have VERY inflexible ideas about the proper way to load the dishwasher

inventor: “i’ve made the most realistic sex doll in the world, ask it something”
me: “ok, um.. shall we go upstairs?”
doll: “i like you as a friend”
me:
inventor:
me: “do you have anything less realistic”

Never be a pizza!

ME: Well, time to make like a tree, and leaf.
HER: *giggling* So, my place or…
ME: *starts sprouting leaves from my fingers*
HER: WHAT THE

{Date}
ME: I have to warn you, I’m the jealous type
WAITER: What would you folks like?
HER: I’ll have the s-
ME: WHO THE HELL IS THIS GUY?!?

I would never get a minivan because I can’t even think of 7 people I’d want to be stuck in a vehicle with.

Crucifixion art is so depressing. Every time I look at Jesus, I can’t help thinking…I’ll never have abs like that.

me: she had wide eyes and red hair,

police sketch artist: *drawing*

me: like elmo

artist: *stops drawing*

me: she had an amazing laugh, and loved to be tickled

artist: *drawing*

me: like elmo

artist: *stops drawing*

Shipwreck survivors on an island
S1: We told you to spell ‘SOS’ with those coconuts!
S2: I know but I want our rescuers to know I’m a vegan.

Toy Story (1995): A young boy’s toy chest becomes possessed by haunted dolls, forcing the family to move away. But the dolls find him.

Not sure why I am thinking tonight about our elderly neighbor when I was 7, who had giant bountiful pear trees on his property. One day he stopped by unexpectedly with a bushel of pears, and after my mom, surprised and delighted, had thanked him, he handed her a bill for them.

My 8-year-old has a stuffed animal that smells good if you put it in the microwave and I feel like that’s teaching kids the wrong lesson

me: i had an accident

insurance agent: sir, we don’t insure pants

Untitled Goose Monstress

Lol jk of course her name is Megoosa

[shopping]

May I help you find something?

“Where are the giants?“

What?

“Your sign outside says there’s a giant sale.“

Wanna live a long life? Get married. I guarantee you’ll change your mind real quick.

Sure I may be a little nuts, I tell my family, but how boring would our house be if I wasn’t?

I bought a blender to make some healthy smoothies. Long story short I make the best margaritas now.

(dumping an old couch in the ocean) i am creating an artificial reef, to act as a fish habitat

Don’t mistake my kindness for weakness. Sweating and panting while trying to open this Amazon package, however…

We’re at dinner with my parents on this trip.

Dad, receiving his salad: Oh, you have to mix this together yourself.

Me: You mean you have to toss your own salad?!

*Husband laughed*
*Mom giggled*

Dad, oblivious: Yeah. You do.

Two out of three ain’t bad.

YOGI BEAR: Hahaha, I just stole their pic-a-nic baskets!

RANGER SMITH: You murdered 7 campers.

YOGI BEAR: *Exasperatedly* …To get their pic-a-nic baskets.

Guy walking in on me in the bathroom

Me: Excuse me. I’m on the phone.

i don’t usually get political here and i’m about to get controversial and i’m sure i’ll lose a lot of followers over this but crinkle fries are the worst fry.

Of all the terrible tweets credited to sausagey-sounding clerics, this one is by Father Wurst.

*Librarian walks in* You know what’s great kids? You don’t need wifi to read a book!

*Kids boo*
*Someone in the crowd yells “NERD”*

“Keep pouring, Ann. You’re not gonna BELIEVE what your dog did today.”