Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Twitter is like a very demented game of The Sims. Everyday I check to see how my people are doing and make sure they’re still alive.

throwing someone under the bus sounds hard, let’s just sell ’em down the river and call it a day.

you just know somebody’s being called by their full name right now

Making jokes on Twitter is a lot like making jokes in real life. Except without the frightened faces of strangers on buses

Failed Hallmark card:
I’m sorry I stabbed you with a fork when you leaned in to kiss me.

I thought you were going to take my taco.

Who the hell does that in a sock?!?

*squishes out of the room*

My theory is that the captain of the Titanic crashed on purpose because the band kept playing songs off their new album

People are all like once you turn 30 you never want to leave your house. I was 4.

My hair is so strong you can floss your teeth with it

– me flirting

Crows that are stuck together are called Vel-crows

looking for a buddy to go together on knuckle tats:

[P][E][R][S] [O][N][A][L]

[P][A][N][P] [I][Z][Z][A]

TIM: how are you?
ME: it’s Monday
TIM: yeah
ME: the sun is up
TIM: are u just listing facts?
ME: lettuce is a member of the sunflower family

[on phone to gf]
her: “you never understand me anymore so..”
me: “so what?”
her: “we’re breaking up”
me: “i can hear you fine”

friend: why do u look sad

me: I have wrongdog

friend: what’s wrongdog

me: *big breath in*

Ask yourself, “do I like finding socks in every room of the house?” and if the answer is yes, unprotected sex is right for you.

5: I’m bad at this puzzle

Me: you’re trying your best! Mommy has a hard time with that one too!

5: yeah, because you’re bad at it

[knock at door]

ME: yes?

COP: is there a party going on?

ME: well, it’s my dog’s birthday-

[police dog jumps out with a present in his mouth]
COP: SURPRISE

I’m thinking about giving up sugar.

Ok. I’m done thinking about it.

One time in med school we had a lecture on the dangers of sleep deprivation and it was an Alanis Morissette level of irony that the lecture was at 7am.

ME: So. You from around here?

HER: Yes. You’re in my bedroom closet.

Why do they lock gas station bathrooms? Are they afraid someone might accidentally clean them?

My wife has the flu and asked for help around the house so I bought her a Roomba

DATE: Let’s go to your place.
ME: We’ll take my car *pulls out Hot Wheels car*
DATE: …
ME: Just kidding.
DATE: Oh, thank God.
ME: I don’t have a place. I’m homeless.

[getting murdered]

“Listen, I make a badass grilled cheese if this can wait?”

Did I do this right

guy at work just said he is going to see the new Jurassic Park movie and someone said “is that the one about dinosaurs?”

“Hey, people who cover their mouth when they laugh; noone is trying to steal your teeth”, i hiss through my very normal amount of teeth.

I’m one of those lucky people that can eat whatever they want and not put on any clothes.

Hey Mommy can you spend an hour building this intricate race track only for me to tell you I don’t want to play with it after all?

-every kid ever

ME: I have an appointment for 1:30

RECEPTIONIST: may I have your last name?

ME: omg *tearing up* yes, I’ll marry you