7: I’m beating you!
Me: Ok.
7: I’m way ahead!
Me: I see that.
7: I’m gonna win!
Me:….
My son on the carousel horse in front of me.
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always humbling that plants that survived whatever killed the dinosaurs cannot survive two weeks under my care
HI MOM. YOU’RE GONNA BE SO PROUD. I JUST WON AN ARGUMENT ON THE INTERNET. Sorry caps lock was still on from the argument. But I won.
50ME MIALS LLDO IONAT NED
NED
50ME MIALS LLDO IONAT
NED
ARE YOU LISTENING TO ME
What do you call an alligator thats wearing a vest?
An investigator.
8am: plain egg whites
1pm: greek yogurt
6pm: grilled chicken / mixed veggies
12am: every damn snack on earth
What if Billie Eilish’s Bad Guy was by Meghan Trainor?
My 5 year old memorized my phone number and I just figured out he gives it to everyone he encounters
A fun game is to put on an orange vest and direct traffic.
“Welcome to D.A.D.D.D.S. Dads Against Dads Doing Dumb Shit. Repeat after me.”
[whole room] “AFTER ME”
“Ok fellas, lets start here”
As my friend Joe’s last wish I had him cremated and sprinkled his ashes into the coffee pots at work..all morning everyone had a cup of Joe
*family reunion*
– flirting shouldn’t be this easy
Did you know that by today’s standards Marilyn Monroe would be considered dead?
husband: we should role play tonight
me: ok you be our hot neighbor Chad
husband: huh, that’s oddly specific
me: listen Chad, it’s inappropriate that you’re in my bedroom please leave my husband will be home soon and we’re probably gonna do it
I haven’t won anything since I did my kid’s fifth grade science fair project.
[Eating]
Waiter: How’s the meal?
Me: I dunno. Let me check
*pulls out phone
Me: Not good. It only got 2 likes on Instagram
Waiter: …
dont freak out but everything is made of chemicals
My stalker twisted his ankle, so now I have to walk slower for 2-3 weeks.
Ariana Grande is what happens if you feed a Bratz doll after midnight.
Sleep is just something clowns made up so they can eat you.
I saw my close personal friend Jim smelling chairs at the movie theater this morning and when he saw me watching he just said “no one will believe you”
Freak parents out on Facebook by posting, “Just read a health article about how a camera flash causes diabetes in kids under the age of 10.”
I hate it when people who are younger than me complain about being old. They’re all like… well, I forget what they say, but it’s still annoying.
cave of wonders: only one may enter here
aladdin: abu has to wait outside?
cave of wonders: oh, pets don’t count
abu: *steals*
cave of wonders: OK PETS COUNT
Fool me once shame on you fool me 27 times you’re a piece of lint on the floor disguised as a bug
Excuse me, the movie Inception, you’re gonna tell me you had like 10 people jumping between levels of everyone’s subconscious and yet there were ZERO sex dreams? Uhhhh that’s a damn plothole my guy!!!!
“Rapunzel, Rapunzel let down your hair!”
*A long strand of smelly hair falls out the tower*
“Screw this!”
I swear, my kids will make me drive them to my own funeral. And then to the mall.
I’m 38 and still have no idea what to do with my hands while I’m being arrested.
someone described my girlfriend’s skin as “sun-kissed” recently and now the sun’s about to catch these hands
I’m sorry that I gave your baby a wine cooler. I forgot that I superglued a mustache on him earlier and thought he was of legal age.