7: I’m beating you!
Me: Ok.
7: I’m way ahead!
Me: I see that.
7: I’m gonna win!
Me:….
My son on the carousel horse in front of me.
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Her: You secretly think all of your coworkers are morons, don’t you.
Me: Secretly? No.
[at parent-teacher night]
Teacher:*looking at my coffee tumbler*
I see you’re a coffee enthusiast, tooMe: Coffee? Oh…yeah, coffee*wink*
I’m so white I once said “imma bounce” at a party and then hopped away like a bunny rabbit.
Asking for her hand in marriage means something entirely different if your name’s Frankenstein.
[God creating Neil deGrasse Tyson]
Neil deGrasse Tyson: actually that’s not how it happened
ME: [unbuttoning shirt] There’s only one way to settle this. Dance off!
CUSTODY ATTORNEY: No
Wife [who turns 50 tomorrow]: Tonight is your last chance to have sex with a woman in her 40s.
Me: Is it, though?
Wife:
Me:
Wife:
Me: I just-
Wife: Blew your last chance, yep.
After 3 disastrous surgeries I said that’s it no more pretending to be a doctor.
Pilot: “Attention passengers, our engines have failed. We may not make it.”
Me, still wearing parachute pants since the 80s: “I KNEW this day would come!”
*acts sassy*
*flips hair*
*walks into a wall*
boss: you’re working very efficiently
me: oh thanks
boss: so I’m giving you more work
me: wait no you’ve misunderstood why I was being efficient
Mmm that smells good. Is it mint?
Are you going to eat it? Please eat it.
No…..don’t throw it away! NO!!
[My dog watching me floss]
If you were curious about my level of crazy, I woke up from a nap in my recliner and tried to put on a seatbelt.
If you haven’t met someone, don’t despair.
There are plenty of salmon in the cannon.
Got my ponytail stuck in the paper shredder again.
*cancels haircut appt*
THE TERROR YOU FEEL WHEN YOUR PASSWORD DOESN’T WORK SO YOU TRY AGAIN AND AGAIN AND OMG HAVE I BEEN FIRED DID THEY FIND OUT THAT I SPEND ALL MY TIME ON TWITTER AND TIKTOK AND oh never mind I had the caps lock on
My brother and his girlfriend were complaining about jet lag in Paris so I told him to think of it as training for when they have children and never sleep again. Except they won’t be in Paris.
I need a Waze app, but for my walks. Instead of “vehicle on shoulder ahead” it says “person on trail ahead” so I can detour to avoid any human interaction.
Good cop: We know it was you. Just confess.
Murderer: I didn’t do nothin’
Breaks the fourth wall cop: Your name in this tweet is Murderer.
my kid climbed into the tub fully naked and still I found leaves in there after
A duv-egg? In this economy?
guy: my dog just died
girl who studied abroad: wow that reminds of this one time in Europe i saw a dog
*At the bar*
Me: What do you have on tap?
Bartender: Bud and Bud Light
Me: I’ll have a Coke.
How many different places do you look for something before you decide it’s lost?
Men – 2
Women – 1,768
If your entire outfit can be purchased at a gas station it’s not appropriate for court.
If you’re having a bad day just remember, somewhere in the world someone’s telling their parents they’re a life coach
*Dial-up modem gets on stage at a whale rap battle*
“BEEEEEWoooooo BLEEeeeeee BING bing ping”
*drops mic**stunned whale crowd loses it*
Me: Hey, look, I can’t stay long, I’ve got a cab downstairs.
Her: You took a cab?
Me: I’m gonna give it back!
The sound that tennis players make but I’m just picking my socks up off the floor.