Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

JUDITH! FETCH MY EVIL PLAN GLASSES!

*2 hours later has organised a small festival*

Dammit Judith, these are my party planning glasses!

My husband and I have never had couples counseling, but we once had a third person help guide us out of a tight parking spot. Saved our marriage.

Can people I follow stop disagreeing with each other? I depend on you lot to tell me what to think.

Wife: Don’t you hate when you eat something that’s not very satisfying but it’s too late to eat something else?

Me: Too late?

Always blow your man. Pamdé went two weeks without blowing Anakin and we all know what happened to that dude.

Do I believe in angels?
I don’t know.

Do I believe in cheese?
I can see cheese.
Cheese has helped me out in difficult times.
Yeah.

what is your most benign unpopular opinion? i don’t mean like “the earth is flat” type of unpopular opinion, i mean like “I think golden retrievers are annoying” unpopular opinion

Welcome to your 40s, the kiddos finally let you sleep in but your bladder won’t allow it.

My ex from highschool followed my new dog’s Instagram account and dm’ed her “I don’t like your mom” LMAO IM DYING

the first episode of house of the dragon focusses on the dragon applying for a mortgage

YO TWITTER PLEASE PLEASE HELP ME OUT. THIS IS MY DREAM AND WOULD BE BEYOND BLESSED IF YALL CAN HELP A DUDE OUT. RETWEET!!!

Me: Mmm these are so good! They just melt in your mouth

Cook: Those are ice cubes

Me: Delicious. How are they prepared?

Me, 1st day as a geographer: ice is lonely water
Senior geographer: what
M: and rain is happy water
S: no
M: fog is ghost water
S: pls stop

It’s called support maybe you’ve heard of I.T.

My next tattoo will be “helvetica” written in Arial. When a woman corrects me on it, I will marry her

Push me aside, but I will come back. Hide me, but I will always emerge.
I AM POWER.
I AM RESILIENCE.
I AM A BRA STRAP.

He died doing what he loved – meeting people from Craigslist to buy furniture.

[waterloo]

napoleon: wow. that was really embarrassing

general: yea

napoleon: hope nobody writes a song about this

Women, when you say: “We should move into a better house.”

A man hears: “My plan is to force you to work till the day you die.”

[making out]

ME: *grabs a blindfold from the nightstand*

GIRLFRIEND: omg really?

ME: *blindfolding the dog at the end of the bed* really.

Alcohol is photoshop for real life.

I always go swimming with a spoon in case I need to defend myself from a jellyfish.

Me: I don’t believe the world is round…

Flat Earthers: *getting visibly excited*

Me: …because it’s actually an oblate spheroid

Flat Earthers: Is that…how flat is that

my cousin went to pride years ago and threw up on someone on a ferris wheel- fast forward 10 years, him and his husband were talking about pride and his husband told him a story about when he was thrown up on at pride- my cousin threw up on his husband 5 years before they met

At a job interview:

“What are your strengths?”

“I’m an optimist and a positive
thinker.”

“Give me an example”

“When do I start?”

I hope in my next life I come back as a dog so my pills will be wrapped in cheese

8: Can we have peanut butter sandwiches?

Me: No peanut butter allowed in the house. Daddy is allergic to peanuts

8: Can we buy some after he dies?

Me: Sure

Pro tip: when you have a drug test and they tell you to go to the bathroom in the cup, that means PEE. Always.

wife: did you vacuum under the couch

me: yep I did the whole basement

This is what makes twitter great