Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

A family of crows flying into a windmill is a murder suicide

9: [who only had 97 snacks today] Are we ever gonna eat dinner?

I just can’t watch football, there’s too much “penetration in the backfield” for me to not giggle like an immature maniac.

I have to stop paying attention when I get too close to any round number of followers, because then I notice way too easily when I lose one, and it’s like “oh no, my hot take on pencil skirts deeply alienated someone who now despises me, I must send a cookie basket”

[staring up at the sky]

ME: what does that cloud look like to you?

11YR OLD DAUGHTER: I’d say it’s a semi-transparent altocumulus, or at least something of the stratocumuliform physical category

ME: well I see a corn dog

“Baby got Baaaa” -Sheep mix a lot

sometimes I throw random produce into my basket at the grocery store so I don’t look like an 8 year old who just got an advance on their allowance

My favourite interaction on this hellish site just happened

The worst is that a 27 y/o who wanted to marry Charles Manson & charge ppl to see his corpse had more of a future financial plan than we do.

I’ve been eating healthy, so it’s not the best time to confront me on something trivial.

I forgot my cell phone at home and had to write my grocery list on paper. I shopped with it in my hand like some kind of a carrier pigeon.

When I was a kid I slept with a nightlight…

to keep away monsters who were scared of small, low wattage light bulbs.

I’m trying to teach my toddler how to headbang but he’s pissed because he wants a bottle. I told him to save that anger for the mosh pit.

Europe. Made in Germany.

Boycotting the Winter Olympics because it’s too frickin’ cold.

Commenting “this aged poorly” on my friend’s wedding anniversary posts from several years ago now that she’s getting divorced

*seductively boils hot dog* *suggestively unscrews ketchup bottle* *alluringly toasts bun* *erotically describes this in between asterisks*

What do you call an alligator thats wearing a vest?

An investigator.

Instead of walking faster when someone holds a door open for me, I slow down to test their door holding resolve.

Overheard by myself while in the bathroom just now:

•”That’s cheating; you can’t jump off that!”
•”You’re using toothpick as a weapon?!”
•”Shh… if we only eat two each, she won’t know.”
•”I bet Mom’s reading a book in there.”

I love that earthquakes unite strangers online like nothing else. 100,000 people posting “did anyone feel that” and 100,000 other people posting “yeah”

I’ve reached the age where that spot on my arm could either be a questionable mole or dried nacho cheese.

I’ve never met a pizza I didn’t want to get personal with.

Inside you are two Cookie Monster. One want cookie. The other want more cookie.

Welcome to your fifties, Saturday Night Fever now means lots of rest, cold medicine and chicken noodle soup.

Telling a child not to touch something only ensures that child is definitely now going to touch that something.

Me: I picked up Oliver from doggy daycare.(talking to dog) I’d never forget you. No I wouldn’t.

Husband: Did you pick up the kids from your mom’s house?

Me: …Kids?

The Good News: My doctor says I’m healthy as a horse.
The Bad News: She used another large farm animal to describe my weight.

[yelling at the DJ in a crowded nightclub] DO YOU HAVE THE DUCKTAILS THEME SONG