Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Son: Mom, I’m having a problem at school.
Me: Oh no, buddy, what’s wrong? Do you need me to show you the Karate Kid again?

Parenting is easy.

i order my girl scout cookies from several different girl scouts so nobody has a full count of the boxes i’ve eaten i don’t have time for that negativity it’s cookie season goddammit

BATMAN: Thanks for filling in while Robin is away.

MOTHMAN: *Just repeatedly flying into the bat signal*

Cannibal Subway:
Eat Flesh.

BECOME UNGOVERNABLE

I love you but I still wish your family would just pay the ransom.

*splashes water on my face*
*looks up, squinting into the mirror in front of me*
My socks are now soaked. They don’t mention that in the
Neutrogena commercials.

scrabbled eggs

Them: Good morning
Me: Where?

“NOAH. YOU WILL BUILD AN ARK”
k
“NOT “K” THIS IS IMPORTANT”
Sorry
“THATS OK. TAKE 2 OF EVERY ANIMAL ON IT”
Even fish?
*THUNDER*
“NO NOT FISH

33, Male, Jerusalem. You?

If Vanilla Ice was a priest:
🎶If you have a sin, yo, I’ll solve it / read the Good Book while my DJ absolves it! 🎶

Even the great philosophers made mistakes. Aristotle, for example, believed that groove was in the brain.

“Sorry, but none of my clothes fit today.” My date nods, and politely avoids looking at my towel and safety pins.

live long and prosper!

I’ve grown more powerful but in a completely useless way.

30s: Oh look, a dance floor!
50s: Oh look, a couch!

Him: Sarah is dead.

Me: Oh Thank God! She wasn’t answering my emails and I thought she was mad at me…

Me: I’m not interested in you that way
Them: Which way?
Me: Pick one

This forest scent air freshener is really working. Three elk have moved into my living room.

My suspicious mole cancelled my appointment with a dermatologist.

Don’t take your kids to Disneyland when they’re under 4 years old cause they’ll never remember it. Wait till they’re a little older and then lie to them about how you took them.

I like to make sure my breath is always fresh.

*eats entire sleeve of Thin Mints*

obliviously driving m y car through chernobyl , absorbing lethal anmounts of radiation while looking for cute girls

I had sex once and once was enough

Wait, where did those 3 kids come from?😂

GOD: Done.

ANGEL: What is it?

GOD: An ostrich.

ANGEL: So it can fly, right?

GOD: This one’s a runnin’ bird.

ANGEL: I think you need a break dude

Oh yeah that’s it

[JOB INTERVIEW]
It says on your CV that you are a magician, can you show me?

ME: *Points on CV to where it is says I am a magician*

[kisses daughter goodnight]
Sleep tight.

“Daddy, where do babies come from?”

Um, the Stork.

[stork knocks on bedroom window] He’s lying.