Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

WHY IS A GROUP OF SQUIDS NOT A SQUAD

Poor character written by an author who has experienced poverty: My problem is that I’m $300 short on the rent and now my car is making a noise

Poor character written by a rich author: My problem is that I feel so inferior beside these beautiful, sophisticated rich people

Her: I feel a special connection between you and I.

Me: I think you mean between you and me.

Her: I don’t mean either now.

Mechanic: Your car won’t pass inspection.

Me: Here’s $20 to look the other way.

Mechanic [looking the other way]: Your car won’t pass inspection.

911: 911, What’s your emergency?

Me: It’s John again.

911: John, seriously!!!

Me: I know. I know. Just an ambulance if possible. No cops.

“play stupid games, win stupid prizes” bold of you to assume i am winning the stupid games

If I ever lose my girlfriend in the mall I just start checking other girls out and bam there she is yelling at me

thinking about the time someone asked me if there was any dairy in the tres leches cake i got. yes there’s tres

Thinking about that time I used a pic of katy perry as my avi and a dude got so mad that I wasn’t actually katy perry that he called me a catfish and blocked me. Wonder how he’s doing now

Person: trust me, I know a thing or two
Me: (untrustingly) that’s really not an impressive number of things to know

Don’t say you want a girl who’s “funny and spontaneous” if you’re gonna panic when I knock on your window late at night, dressed as a clown.

Thank God I never know what anyone is talking about

Have kids so instead of just having a peaceful morning you can argue with your 3 y/o about why he can’t lock his younger brother outside in the rain.

My husband gave me a break by doing the grocery shopping, but he didn’t take the kids with him so, I don’t think he knows how breaks work.

Carjacking does not mean what I thought but somehow I’m still arrested?

Say it with flowers.

If that doesn’t work, say it with arson.

“Lady In Red” is my favorite song about a guy that’s trying to get laid even though he can’t remember her goddamn name.

*builds a fort out of paper towel packages at store*

*coerces other customers to bring me cheese samples in exchange for fort privileges*

Me: [cleaning the house for hours…finds the beloved toy my son “lost” and hands it to him]
9 y/o: Dad! Look what I just found!

Sir I-

By age 30 you should have a raccoon butler, a pet penguin called Terry, a 10 year old bully and a pair of Hulk hands used exclusively for speed dating.

*kissing on small couch*
Her: We should have a threes-
Me: I’ll call Karen
Her: …three-seater. Karen?
Me: I believe Karen sells furniture

Him: You okay?

Me eating a tube of cookie dough like a banana: Yeah, why?

ME: I’ll take that angry cantaloupe.
FRUIT STALL VENDOR: You mean the pineapple?

How can you have beef with Keanu…it’s like hating a rainbow

Spiders were super disappointed when they finally saw the world wide web.

I love the smell of a camp fire. It reminds me of the night we kille….

…..I just love smell of campfires.

I just wish I had someone who wanted to touch me as much as my shower curtain does.

Growing old is a process of saying “it’s probably nothing,” with increasing frequency and increasingly being wrong.

“Evolution-schmevolution!”

-Bill DeNye, the Non-Science Guy

Friend: Whatcha up to?

Me: Just chewing my toenails.

Friend: Gross! But congrats on the flexibility.

Me: *reaching into bowl* Flexibility?