7: Mama, are you lonely when we go to bed?
Me: (Handle this like a great mom. Get the look off your face. Don’t laugh.) Of course, sweetie.
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She posted me to the group chat and they said I’m handsome
Welcome to your 40’s…you can now use this as an excuse not to help a friend move.
Me: I’m inviting Doug to watch the game
Wife: I thought you were mad at Doug bc he still hasn’t returned our shop vac
Me: I’m over it
[halftime, 2 beers later]
TV: 🎶Like a good neighbor, state farm is there🎶
Me: you know what else a good neighbor does, Doug?
VHS tapes used to be like: “FBI WARNING if you make a copy of this tape we will hunt you down and KILL you. Now please enjoy this special presentation of Walt Disney’s Flubber”
Satan: you can spend eternity in hell OR you can go to work for the first time in 5 days.
Me: hmmm
Satan: well?
Me: IM THINKING, DAMN IT
New shoes. I feel like I should go outside and step directly in dog crap and get it over with.
Kids going as Batman for Halloween should not be accompanied by parents unless those parents are dressed as ghosts
You can always gauge my mood by the type of animal videos I share: sweet puppy videos or a cat smacking the shit out of someone.
Inkling sounds like a baby octopus
My kid’s latest drawing. Guys, should I be disturbed? I am disturbed.
I like my coffee like I like my women: Much, much hotter than I have any business putting in my mouth. And sprinkled with cinnamon.
So I’m pounding a few nails in the wall to hang pictures AT THREE PM not in the middle of the night and my neighbor comes in SCREAMING and files a report against me. I hate living on this submarine.
For what I lack in imagination, I more than make up for in something else.
Twitter yesterday: We are outraged about the lion!
Twitter today: We are outraged about the outrage about the lion!
7 came home to a “7” balloon on his birthday & asked “Why is there an upside-down L balloon here?” & I’m really excited because now I can spend his college fund on that tummy tuck with a clear conscience.
My favorite part of the gym is leaving. And girls in stretch pants.
When a band has Z’s where S’s should be in their name, I’m like, “Woah, watch out! These bad boys aren’t playing by society’s rules.”
I told him to drive me crazy in the bedroom, so he put the window blinds at different heights.
Writers should get a direct line to the FBI so we can call them and give them a heads up when we’re googling ways to poison someone but just for a story.
I overheard a dad at Starbucks tell a kid not to tell Mom he got a cake pop for breakfast, so I guess I’m part of their web of lies now too.
Love the deli paper on the doctor’s table. Mmm I’m a sick little sandwich
Pro tip for my good boys out there
Him: Who are you supporting in the World Cup?
Me: Hogwarts.
Found out recently that right-clicking on the send ‘arrow’ in Teams chat lets you schedule the message to be sent at a later time of your choosing. And yes I’m heavily abusing this feature.
A spinal surgery practice called Build Back Better.
I bought 2 bird feeders and now my husband is actually frustrated there are “so many birds” in the backyard.
Who gets angry at birds eating free food from a wooden house? My delightful husband, that’s who.
This is up on a telephone pole in south Minneapolis and I am dissolved in laughter:
