Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[scrabble]
god: 43 points
angel: squid? wtf is squid?
god: it’s an animal
angel: you can’t just make up animals
god: [jim-faces into camera]

This is my impression of Beyoncé if she was a carnie:

“If you liked it then you should’ve tossed a ring on it.”

[fancy restaurant]
me: one steak and a bowl of ketchup please
waiter: usually you don’t need anything with it, sir
me: you’re right [closing menu] just the ketchup then

They say, every transformation makes you a new person.
But they don’t tell us where & how to dispose off the body

teacher: sometimes i think you’re failing spelling on purpose. but what’s the angle

me: that thing with the harp and wings

teacher: never mind

Yes we left some guests inside the park last night. yes we’re going back for them. Calm down

The key to a successful marriage is never go to bed married

No one takes their job more seriously than the guy that glues down the start of the toilet paper roll.

When two people miss a high five two ghosts get smacked in the face

I hate it when people tell me to “stay in your lane!” Granted i’m drunk at the bowling alley, but it’s still uncalled for.

Baby on board is probably the worst idea for charcuterie out there

Co-Worker: Any of you ever smoke a turkey?

Me: No, I always have trouble finding papers big enough to roll it in.

Me: Hello, is it me you’re looking for?

Her: no

Me: *dials another number* Hello, is it me you’re looking for?

*asks grocery store manager to write a note telling my wife that I looked everywhere but couldn’t find the ice cream she wanted*

I don’t ask a lot from an elevator, but if you can’t get the buttons right, what else did you screw up?

Help

I came home and my gf had laid out rose petals from the door, down the hall and into our bed. There were even rose petals in the shower, my sock drawer and my jacket pocket. And even in the medicine cabinet where my EpiPen usually is because I AM SEVERELY ALLERGIC TO ROSE PETALS

“Fine mom! If you’re not going to let me have cookies, I’m gonna go in my room!!”

{inaudible whisper}
no. please don’t go.

Amazing how fast my addiction to my phone is cured the moment I get a phone call.

WHY DO SWEDISH SHIPS HAVE BARCODES PRINTED ON THE SIDE?

SO YOU CAN SCAN-DA-NAVY-IN

Wait for it. (You won’t regret it).

I’m so sick of tv and movies where the point is there are no likable characters. I don’t need to spend an hour with people I hate, I already have my life.

“Paypal me your lunch money!” -Cyber Bullies

Kids be like “I owe you $5, would you like it all in quarters?”

If you need someone to keep a secret then I’m your girl. I’ll forget it 5 minutes after you tell me.

I wish I had the same ideas and motivation during the day as I do when I’m trying to sleep

*Werewolves spot a group of teens smoking pot around a campfire*

Werewolf 1: Edibles!

[business trip]
ME: i forgot my charger
COWORKER: you should invest in a spare to keep in your bag
ME: i forgot all 4 of my chargers

I watched Mad Max and now I’m riding my dog around my living room using two bananas as guns