Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I don’t need lip fillers. I have two toddlers constantly head-butting me.

Sir, I see that you spelled “résumé” with the correct accent marks. Unfortunately you’re just too fancy to work here at Popeye’s Chicken.

Just gave my next door neighbor a giant bag of candy to dump in my sons trick or treat bucket on Halloween so I can go home after one house.

How can you tell a vampire has the virus?

He’ll be coffin.

[airplane strafes the ground with machine guns]
Mozzarella: *checks self* I’m OK.
Cheddar: Me too! That was close, eh Swiss? …Swiss?

Day 6 of April vacation: husband and I had this idea that if we get divorced and each marry someone willing to be an involved step-parent, we would have more time to hang out with each other.

BARTENDER: okay man, here’s your appletini
MAN: [upset] this isn’t what i ordered
BARTENDER: i’m sorry?
MAN: why isn’t it a tiny apple

Some people bite their tongue, I have to bite my fingers to keep from replying to some stupid reply.

I’m glad nothing I own was made with my own two hands because I really like having hands.

80 years ago we would have all been institutionalized and I think that’s beautiful

You’re not respected until you’ve been led away from a buffet by police.

I should get paid a lot more for being the boss of me

Hundreds of creepy clowns terrorizing people across multiple states. On the bright side, they can all be picked up in one police car.

The fact that my balcony isn’t facing the street makes it nice and quiet but also makes my speeches to the people rather ineffective

I can really relate to pi because I also keep going forever after the point has been made.

Important Valentine’s Day PSA:

Sure, we all think Cupid is cute, but you should never teach babies archery. If you think crying is annoying, just imagine a tantrum with flying arrows.

Be safe. If they’re under three, melee weapons only!

Things that don’t kill bees
1. Furniture polish
2. Febreeze
3. Butter
4. Screaming

me in a relationship:

*Arrives at ticket stall with my girl* Me: Two tickets to the movie please. Attendant: For The Hobbit? Me: No, that’s my girlfriend.

You can totally mistake a slipper for a cat when you don’t have your glasses on. Even after you pet it, you can’t be sure.

Actually, I’d rather listen to your dog barking than you yelling at it to stop.

The only phrase you need to learn in any foreign language is, “I know you guys are talking shit about me!”

Ever notice how loud the sound of opening a beer can at work is?

Hey, guy in Prius blasting heavy metal – decide which type of annoying person you want to be.

My 6yo niece grabbed all the sharpies & uttered, “I’m testing something out.” I never knew this kind of fear existed.

Ninety percent of being an accountant is fighting off the babes…

“You’re acting weird.”

First of all, I’m not acting

I watched Dexter. Now I’m watching Cold Case Files Classic.

Netflix really needs to decide if I can get away with murder or not.

Hey babe…wanna come over and fold me like a fitted sheet?