Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Doc asked if I had a strong stream and I told him it’s so strong sometimes I flood the shower.

*Googles: pet raccoons
“Raccoons are wild animals. Keeping raccoons is ILLEGAL in…”
*scrolls
“What to Expect From Your Pet Raccoon!”
*clicks

LIFE HACK: give ur next child a normal name

ME: are u still mad that ur mother and i named u Life Hack

Yay it’s payday!
*pays bills
That was short lived.

Never marry a girl whose mother’s name is Hope…. because ‘Hope’ never dies.

Someone called their dog “ugly” and I was not even prepared to fight a stranger today.

“two heads are better than one” – guy who collects heads

It’s October which means it’s basically Halloween which means Thanksgiving is right around the corner which means it’s pretty much Christmas so Happy New Year everyone.

I don’t think humans are capable of sounding more disgusting than when they are being rude to their mothers or singing along to Mariah Carey

Officer: Do you know why I pulled you over?

Me: The warrant probably

Officer: You have a broken… what

Me: What

5-year-old: *glares at me* My shoe doesn’t fit.

Me: You grew. How is that my fault?

5: You fed me.

hi yes i’d like a vodka salad please

“you mean a bloody mary”

yeah yeah whatever just hurry it up

Dr: How can I help you?
Me: Can you make me look like this?
Dr: Ma’am, that’s a picture of Hello Kitty.

girls will be like “this is my comfort movie” and it’s texas chainsaw massacre.

Jesus: I HAVE RETURNED
[wife & I arguing about who used the last paper towel or some other shit]
Jesus: OK I’MMA COME BACK LATER

If I had to vote in the American election based on my gut, I’d choose pizza for president every time.

If you send multiple one sentence texts, I will mail a raccoon to your face I’m not kidding.

sisyphus was lowkey stupid just pushing that boulder over and over again 🙄🙄🙄 anyway this is the 15th time i reset my password this year but i do not need to write it down because this time i will for SURE remember it

Satan cannot be everywhere,
So Relatives were created..

Enrique Iglesias wants to
1. Be your hero
2. Kiss away your pain
3. Stand by you forever
Enrique Iglesias is your mother

AA MEETING

Chairman: Please, introduce yourself

Eminem: Hi! My name is..

C: What?

E: My name is..

C: Who?

E: Hi! My name is..

C: Huh?

“Im sorry, I’m just really uncomfortable around children,” she said.

“I understand that,” replied the obstetrician, “but I still need you to push.”

me: [answers phone in meeting] “this better be important”
wife: “i think we’re having a baby”
me: [sighs] “you told me that 9 months ago”

If you’re wondering if toddlers are always listening, even though they’re never listening, 2B’s teacher stopped me today to let me know that instead of “thank you” she’s been saying “thanks, babe” for days.

Me: When I have a rough day, you’re there. When I need to cry, you’re there. Nobody helps me gain 10 pounds the way you do. Cheesecake:

Me: My neck is a little stiff

Web MD: You’re in rigor mortis

uber drivers love asking where you’re from even though they just picked you up from there

There’s no gangsta way to pull on a push door

Chess says everything about men & women. The King has to take things one step at a time, while the Queen can do whatever the hell she wants.

Victoria’s Secret, how may I help you?

Me: Yeah, um, I ordered the girl on page nine, but you guys only sent me her underpants?