7: mama, I will eat everything you pack in my lunch
me: that’s wonderful
7: except the things I don’t like
me: there it is.
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I’ve won 5 straight games of Operation, so I am more than qualified to perform a tracheotomy.
Get in, there’s no time to explain.
Mood.. 😂
thinking about parking in a garage downtown just to get some validation
Interviewer: “Describe yourself in three words.”
Me: “Efficient.”
Me: I’m proud of you for completing your project and I’m sorry for screaming like a feral raccoon.
10: Don’t worry girlie when I’m a mom I’m gonna do the same thing.
6-year-old: I’m laughing cause your laugh makes me laugh. Your joke’s not funny though.
That stung.
Cows are just acoustic lawnmowers.
Being a mom means saying things that shouldn’t be threatening in a very threatening manner. Like, “EAT YOUR CEREAL!” for example.
I don’t have anybody to eat dinner with so I share my dinner with the sky chickens.
My Neighbor- * Yelling from a distance*
Dam it! Would you please stop feeding the seagulls. They keep shitting on my Jeep.
The moon is waxing but my interest is waning because I like a moon with full bush ok
My husband is with me every step of the way, in life, in love, in faith, in front of the kitchen drawer I need to get to
One of the coolest things about superhero films is that they can be any genre.
Science fiction? Guardians of the Galaxy.
Fantasy? Doctor Strange.
Sleep aid? Eternals.
You could go camping or you could stay at home, not shower, leave dirt on the floor and let some squirrels in.
Me: *entering my 30th year of employment* I wonder what I’m going to be when I grow up
I feel like calling it a “nervous system” was just setting me up for failure.
*lands on other planet*
“Take me to your pain medication”
And that’s why you clean your room, kids.
I hate when flies rub their disgusting little hands together… what could you possibly be plotting… you can’t even get out of the open window
I may not be able to out run the zombies when they come, but this cheeseburger is going to make me taste great
me: WTF all the shelves are empty
sales guy: yeah this is Ikea
Friend: [admiring photo of me, my husband, two sons and our dog] What a beautiful family.
Me: [whispering] My whole house smells like pee.
Look, a pure bread cat!
The one closest to the sky is most likely to get eaten by the pterodactyl.
[at daycare]
Me: I’m here to pick up my son
Daycare: what’s he look like?
Me: *points to my face*
D: oh. Ok
COP: We have reports of u blasting music.
ME: Sorry I’ll keep the Metallica down
COP: We were told it was Britney Spears “Lucky.” On repeat.
Not sure if “life hack” exactly, but I fell down the stairs and now my whole family is being so nice and catering to my needs
“Ugh, it’s so dark!” *shivers* “And cold! Why is it so huge? It’s, like, jeez, does it go on forever?!”
– Larry, the worst astronaut
Me: How could you do this?
Her: I just felt like you needed to know
Me: I’ve completely lost trust
Her: I know this is hard
Me: But wrestling? Fake? I’m devastated.
[looking at photo album]
Me: Here’s the story of how daddy met mommy
Son: Why is your hair spiky…
Daughter: …and long in the back?