Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

There’s nothing worse than being in public & you touch something that shouldn’t be sticky & it is.

The older you get, the more you realise your chances of being cast as a vampire in a Twilight reboot are dwindling.

Found $10 in a pants pocket. It was awkward though because someone was still wearing it.

“Our toes look nothing like that!” – Camels

My 9th grade boyfriend texted me to let me know there is someone in Denver using my identity on Bumble but couldn’t give me much info because he didn’t swipe right. Trying to process which part of this is more upsetting.

maybe ancient civilizations wouldn’t have died out if they’d built regular buildings instead of these dumb ruins

HR: Do you use the visualization exercises from the anger management class?

Me: Yes, I picture a swarm of bees attacking co-workers.

Licked a frog once.

He didn’t turn into a prince but he did turn into an ambulance ride.

Oh… Oh dear… it looks like my grandmother’s embroidered pillow may have stolen your tweet.

With all the ways to contact me on social media these days the police still smash through my door unannounced again?

Saturday night is for moaning My name. Sunday morning is for chanting it.

Nana: I found you on twitter
Me: …
N: so you like the butt stuff
Me:…
N: me too
Me:…

My Chihuahua every time someone knocks on the door

A young guy at work asked me if I’m ready for Christmas.

I’m 52 yrs old Connor. I just turned down my radio so I can see better. I’m not even ready for today.

I always answer “I know” when folks say “Nice to see you”.

I think it’s only polite to acknowledge their good fortune.

Know when to holdem
*Pick up panties
Know when to foldem
*Fold em
Know when to walk away
*Leave laundromat
Know when to run
*Girl chasing me

Oh hey, sorry I accidentally rolled out of your bed, across your floor, down the stairs, out the door, into my car and back in my own bed.

It’s not an octopus. It’s a water spider. And yes, so called “marine biologist”, if you live in the ocean you swallow 8 of them every year.

Look, you invented bread and I invented knives. Let’s combine forces and we could be the best thing since…well we’ll think of that later.

[guy who’s about to invent dates]

*eating a meal* what if I could disappoint someone else at the same time?

A school makes you educated like a plane makes you a skydiver.

If you’ve never seen your woman truly pissed at you, it’s obvious you’ve never used her sewing scissors to cut paper.

*sees a bug in my apartment*
me: *yells at the spiderweb in the corner*
WHAT THE SHIT, FRANK?! WE HAD A DEAL

Hey girl, are you an extraterrestrial? Because your man’s out here denying you exist.

Dads lose their shit when it starts raining and the sprinklers are running

i’m the instant oatmeal packets in your pantry that you never want, but are glad you have.

A great way to get a cw to stop talking to you permanently is to start clipping your toenails in the middle of their story

I’m not saying the Internet lies, but there is an alarming discrepancy in the number of iPads I’ve won and the number that I actually own.