instagram always coming through for me with ads for things i want, and can afford, and can convert into a device for time travel
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Friend: I’m pregnant
Me: You should have just got a dog
Before you commit to a dog name, go outside at 6:30 AM with no bra on and see how it feels begging that name to poo.
Parenting a 3yo is basically a series of non stop negotiations.
Me: We have to leave the playground so we can do two more things.
3yo: no five more things!
Me: no, one more thing.
3yo: yay one more thing!
Bless their stupid little hearts.
Bunnies are not the same as cats, but I dare you to tell the difference in a blind taste test.
“LEEEEET’S GET READY TO TUUUUUUMBLE!!!”
-wet laundry
Home is where the Wi-Fi is.
*at Pearly Gates
Cat (in dog costume): Uh bark
St. Peter: Mittens, I said no
[Being chased by a bear in the snow]
Me: Should we hide??!Her: *putting snow on herself* make yourself as white as you can
Me *loudly* I find potato salad too spicy
The best sandwich I ever had was roast beef and brie at the Museum of Natural History cafe. It’s a memory that gets me through the tough sandwiches.
DEMON POSSESSING ME: Don’t try and fight. You can’t win.
ME: No problemo.
DEMON: But… I’m controlling your body.
ME: Awesome-possum, thank you so much. I’mma grab a quick snooze, and you just wake me when you need a break.
Someone once told me that women are like books, and they were right: they have names and spines, and there’s some in the library.
*cooking omelette for GF*
Me: “Want extra cheese, babe?”
Gf: “Sure baby”
*slowly turns up Aerosmith’s ‘I Don’t Wanna Miss a Thing’*
I’m not a chef but sometimes I use the word umami so people know I’ve seen some cooking shows.
Prince Devitt x Low Ki x Kota Ibushi. One of my all time favorite matches. 🔥
This librarian isn’t even wearing glasses! I’m not even going to ask her where a book is. She’s not going to know.
Are you turned on?
Switch I might be!
I like my women how I like my microwaved food.
Hot as hell on the outside and cold as ice on the inside.
Wizard of Oz (1939): A hapless teen suffering from head trauma is led down the wrong path to cosplay, heroin, organ harvesting and ultimately, homicide.
and this one
My kid asked me where babies came from and I was like “Dude, ask your Mom. I still can’t figure out why Garfield talks and Odie doesn’t.”
Trying to binge watch a show when you’re a parent takes about 20 years, apparently.
i once dated a professional hockey player from Sweden and one night he called me and asked “you up?” so i drove over excited and when i got there he asked me if i could balance his checkbook.
What’s the normal amount of hair to mail someone? I feel like this is a lot of hair I’m mailing to someone
oh u like history? name everything that happened
[1st date]
me: do you want kids?
her: Yes
me: GREAT [pulls 7 babies out from under table] HERE’S MINE HAVE FUN GOTTA GO
My 10-year-old gets to bring 1 stuffed animal to school. So far she’s narrowed it down to 947 candidates.
My favorite game to play after shaving my head is “How much lint did I collect by the next morning?”
People who finish their entire stick of lip balm without losing it first should be the only ones allowed to have kids.
They act like technology is ruining childhood, but back in the day, kids were so bored they would turn their eyelids inside out for fun.
*drinking water* Ahh, yes. Surely this single glass will reverse what I did to my body this weekend.