“7 minutes in heaven” but just me locked in the closet with this burrito.

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I met a girl at a club the other night and she told me she’d show me a good time.

When we got outside, she ran 100m in 9.69 seconds.


INTERVIEWER: you got the job when can you start
ME: this year for sure


if u disregard the teeth, shark attacks are actually kinda cute


Met the daughter’s new boy friend. Grabbed his crotch and whispered ‘looking forward to tonight’s three way’… And that is that.


Not to brag, but I was voted “Most Likely To Mention Something Truly Insignificant As If It Was A Big Deal” by everyone who has ever met me.


Minnesota is my favorite state that sounds like it’s a small soft drink.


Your college degree doesn’t mean you’re smart, it just means you’re in debt.


RAFIKI: [lifts Simba over head on Pride Rock]
SIMBA: Put me down I am 32 years old


Jaws (1975): people started hating a shark for doing normal shark things


1980s : average parent ; 4 kids

2016: average kid ; 4 parents