@moose_chocolate

“7 minutes in heaven” but just me locked in the closet with this burrito.

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@causticbob

I met a girl at a club the other night and she told me she’d show me a good time.

When we got outside, she ran 100m in 9.69 seconds.

@Chumpstring

INTERVIEWER: you got the job when can you start
ME: this year for sure

@psyzod

if u disregard the teeth, shark attacks are actually kinda cute

@AcceptableLoses

Met the daughter’s new boy friend. Grabbed his crotch and whispered ‘looking forward to tonight’s three way’… And that is that.

@TheAlexNevil

Not to brag, but I was voted “Most Likely To Mention Something Truly Insignificant As If It Was A Big Deal” by everyone who has ever met me.

@ABurgerADay

Minnesota is my favorite state that sounds like it’s a small soft drink.

@TheMichaelRock

Your college degree doesn’t mean you’re smart, it just means you’re in debt.

@joejwest

RAFIKI: [lifts Simba over head on Pride Rock]
SIMBA: Put me down I am 32 years old

@haleysfalling

Jaws (1975): people started hating a shark for doing normal shark things

@oigoabuya

1980s : average parent ; 4 kids

2016: average kid ; 4 parents