Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Why did Kermit The Frogs name feel the need to clarify he was a frog?

Trying to figure out if you practice the violin for many hours every day, or if you just have a really bad hickey.

Quarantine Day 26
Puts pictures of mom all around the house and runs with scissors laughing maniacally

wife: we’re hanging out with hannah and her husband tonight

me: ugh why? that dude sucks, all he talks about is horses

wife: i’m sure he’ll have something else to talk about this time

[later]

hannah’s husband: hey

me: that’s it i’m out

“Honey did you put a dead rattlesnake in my boot?”
Oh it died?

I always have the urge to bite and I hate garlic, I hope they’re signs.

[therapy]
“Where does your fear of spiders come from?”
*flashback to Spider-Man trying to kiss me behind Applebees*
They’re just creepy okay

i like to walk around my neighborhood leaving helpful notes in ppls mailboxes, such as, “doric columns don’t belong on a mid-century modern. what is u doing?” or “ur home has a mix of window styles that makes me wonder about the aesthetic you were going for. what is u doing?” or

I’ll bet when Godzilla first came out, God was like “Damn, that name’s way cooler.”

“Well-behaved women seldom make history,” I quietly say as I don’t wait the full 10 minutes for the oven to preheat.

young jesus: mom where do babies come from

joseph: [pulls up a chair] yea mary, where DO babies come from?

Name’s Todd.
I’m in charge of Blockbuster’s late rentals now.
Does the name Road Hogs mean anything to you?

*shoots kneecap*

How bout now?

In ocean’s eleven one guy’s job was to give a suitcase to somebody and he got the same amount of money as the guy who had to do acrobatics inside a vault

[fake yawns to put my arm around date but it’s so i can pet her dog who is also on the couch]

“And why did you join our gym?”

▫️to stay healthy
▫️a friend recommended it
☑️I’ve seen myself naked

*unzips babybell cheese*

yeah. that’s him.

*rezips babybell cheese*

I get it, crocs and socks are not sexy at all, but I wasn’t getting laid in tennis shoes either and this is ridiculously comfortable.

Sometimes I look at my dog and get a little jealous, wondering why nobody ever tells me I’m a good girl when I take a sh*t outside

I’m most freaked when I take the dog out after dark and remember it’s stupid white girls like me that are killed first in horror movies.

If my dog had a catchphrase it would be, “I came as soon as I heard! What do you need me to eat??”

Family Clue night in my house be like: It was the teen in the kitchen with the bag of Doritos.

It’s been about 3 years since my last drink and I’m still hungover.

ME: my dog ate my homework

TEACHER AT MY DOG FOOD CULINARY SCHOOL: that is good

i love treating twitter as my diary. this is my zoo enclosure and my followers are the tourists watching me eat hay

RIDDLER: What has–

BATMAN: A gazebo

ROBIN: Matches

RIDDLER: Let me finish-

BM: A paperweight

R: Dental floss

RIDDLER: I hate you guys

[work phone rings]
Customer: I realize ur closing but I just have a quick question
“Good, because it’s 4:59 and I-”
Now, it all started back in ’82 when I had my knee replacement surgery

Saying wash your hands
-Mundane
-May go unheard
-Have to beg my kids to do it

Requesting the cleansing your portable sandwich fabricators
-Interesting
-An adventure
-Have to beg my kids to do it