[7 minutes in heaven]
Me: so, I’ve never made out with anyone before, have you? We don’t have to if you don’t want to. I don’t want to make you uncomfortable. Ugh I’m rambling now aren’t I. Sorry, I’m just nervous haha
Jesus: you’ve been up here 7 minutes what is wrong with you
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Shouldn’t all ghosts be naked?? It’s not like your clothes die too…
Signs that your pet dog might be a scorpion:
– Has six legs
– Fewer people want to pet it
– Responds to popular scorpion names like ‘Maurice’ or ‘Steve’
– Has a tail made of ouch
Nutritionist: if you can’t pronounce the first ingredient on the label, you shouldn’t eat it
Me: ok
[at grocery store]
Me: *reading label* k-kw-kwi
Clerk: quinoa
Me: definitely not eating that
Me: *Posing nude for the first time*
Photographer: Absolutely stunning, but inappropriate for your drivers license tbh
Her: I don’t think I’ve ever read a recipe before that uses words like smear pulverize and glop.
Me in a huff: well you asked how I made it
I’ve always wondered if my toddler liked me or my husband better.
But I just heard her say, “Oh shit, Daddy’s home” so at least I know she’s on my side.
Amazon Review: Ghost costume
⭐☆☆☆☆
Do Not RecommendPoorly constructed sheet blew away when industrial fan was turned on. I would have gotten away with it if it weren’t for those meddling kids.
Yeah I can explain that gap on my resume – I tried to move a picture in Word
Roses are red
Violets are blue
Stop clicking your pen when you talk to me Kevin
I swear I will murder your face with my tape dispenser
I’m ready for a new relationship.
My past is buried in the backyard, to fertilize the tomatoes.
I’m so forgetful, I swear I’d lose my own head if it wasn’t attached with this black velvet ribbon which you must never, ever, ever touch.
One of the perks of being self employed is sex with the boss.
Me: You think you’re soooo cool, wearing shades indoors
My lamps:
I hate to brag but strangers were spraying me with Lysol before this all started.
The way my dog maintains eye contact while taking a dump is unsettling. Can’t he read a magazine like a normal dog?
There’s a great new book on minimalism but I only read the blurb because I believe that’s what the author would want.
how much would it cost?
“the guy who does our estimates isn’t here right now”
around what time will he be back?
“did you not just hear me?”
Every time you hire a clown for a kid’s birthday party, a therapist gets a new car.
Sorry my armpits are so sweaty, I had to say my name and title on a conference call.
Watching Moana (for the 869th time)*
Me: oh no, who’s going to help Moana?
3: *really angry” not anybody!! she can do all the things by herself
me to the fake CIA agent: okay so you need me to put all my savings in a shoe box? all $387?
scammer: you know what never mind
A good way to know if your girlfriend is a lizard is if she eats a bunch of crickets or small birds
[gets down on 1 knee]
Babe will you–
“Yeah… Here it is”
[she lends me her phone charger]
Thanks
Me: I’ll start work early so I can stop working earlier
Also me: *just works twice as many hours cuz I started earlier
Whenever someone jokingly replies, “Blocked,” I laugh and laugh and then go check.
Me: It’s so nice to be wearing a shirt that fits and isn’t stained.
Toothpaste: Hi
I just took an IQ test and apparently I’m a Libra?
I’m not proud
a woman in front of me in line for the olivia rodrigo concert turned and asked me, “is it bad i came alone?” i told her that i was alone too and she immediately clarified: “i’m actually meeting my husband and my daughter who are here already. but wowwww, good on you!”