Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Don’t people with bumper stickers realize it takes a t-shirt to change a person’s deeply held beliefs?

My plan to avoid getting lost in the IKEA both succeded and failed. Apparently, when you try to mark your path with swedish meatballs, they quickly find you and escort you out.

I was wondering why so many houses on zillow had the same ugly carpeting. Reader, I clicked on the same house multiple times.

Roses are red
Let’s get some fresh air
Make love in the moonlight
Have a pregnancy scare

One thing I’m really good at is turning $1500 into $4.72

Walruses? Walri? Walrus?

Anyway…They’ve escaped.

I haven’t had a good nights sleep since I started wondering what holds up those blocks in Mario.

Me: No one told me raising a baby would be sooo hard 😰

My baby:

I wish Costco offered samples at the liquor and electronics department

I make a lot of jokes about my husband and they’re all true, but sometimes I forget to mention how lucky he is with me as a wife.

Today I burned spinach.

21st century kid on Santa’s lap-“Yo santa, some more insta followers would be real dope for Christmas. Thanks bruh bruh”

“I don’t do politics.”

Politics will do you, my brother and sister. Politics will do you like mad.

Looking forward to the day when “having a case of Corona” means you’re going to the beach and not the hospital.

Sorry I brought my own turntables and tried to battle your wedding DJ

Cheat on me, you can’t even have cold water. A legend.

I love the word “rapscallion”, not only are you a rascal but you’re also being a bit of a spring onion about it too.

“There are way too many people in there.”

~my 7yo’s review of Where’s Waldo

I like when the rain is misty and you get to feel like a grocery store broccoli for a little while.

After the “incident” at the family cabin, my Indian name is Bounces Off Deck.

Sure I have empathy. I sense you want some of my coffee and I feel really terrible for you.

I like my men like I like my coffee. Tied up in a burlap sack and dragged through Columbia behind a donkey.

Well I guess someone had to be the cautionary tale. You’re welcome, everyone.

When people say I don’t mean to brag they’re bragging about not bragging.

Co-worker: Do you have any invisible tape?
Me: You’ll have to feel around in the supply cabinet.

Me : It’s over & nothing you say will make me change my mind

Him : ‘I just ordered a large thin crust’

Me : Be there in 10 min

Producer: What should we do with the deer movie?

Walt Disney: Kill the mom.

P: and the mermaid movie?

WD: Kill the mom.

P: maybe for the lion movie we can do something different?

WD: Oh ok….kill the dad.

Friend: I love your gray eyeshadow!
Me: I’m not wearing eyeshadow.

I’ve started taking a brisk walk straight after dinner and it’s saving me an absolute fortune on restaurant bills.

I bet newlyweds never wonder if their spouse is snoring that loud on purpose