Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Confusing the word, “jacuzzi” with, “yakuza” has gotten me in hot water with the Japanese mafia more than once.

Angel: oh look, the humans are doing another sacrifice for you

God: [sitting in a sea of goats] it’s not another goat is it

Them: you haven’t been to the gym in a while

Me: I had a cold

Them: it’s been 7 months

Me: I had a lot of colds

Motion to replace the Supreme Court with a Burrito Supreme

So the ex texted me

Me: They are tiny mints that live in a little plastic coffin
Boss: I said let’s talk tactics

“so what did you do before self-driving cars?”
“we just drove ’em ourselves!”
“wow, no one died that way?”
“oh no, millions of people died”

Husband: I’m stopping for a burger. Do you want anything?

Me: No, I’m good.

Husband: Are you sure?

Me: Ok, just a small order of fries…

and if you can a coke…

and a cheeseburger…

Can you also swing by Taco Bell?

[two years ago]

me: planet with the rings?

google: S͟a͟t͟u͟r͟n – Wikipedia

[now]

me: does italy exist

google: nope.

“Real men like a woman with curves” – Fat Chicks

[pilot on plane intercom] Is there a doctor on boa… *extreme vomiting noises*… Is there an exorcist on boa… *sound of pilot being eaten*…[demon voice] Does anyone on board have any tabasco sauce?

Vin Diesel eats two meals a day:

1) Breakfast

2) Breakfurious

Coworker: First case of coronavirus in our city.

Me: *coughs*

Coworker:

Me: *hands coworker gun* You know what needs to be done.

Coworker: You choked on water. I saw you.

Me: YOU KNOW WHAT NEEDS TO BE DONE.

*rebrands massive pile of unfolded laundry as an art installation*

Wife: Have you seen my curling iron?

Me: …umm, are you talking about the hotdog bun warmer?

Wife: …

Me: No, I have not seen it.

my kids teacher via zoom: division is multiplication backwards

me: (in distant background) holy shit.

How long do you have to stop eating a meal before calling it leftovers?

If you replace “umbrella” with “Nutella” in Rihanna’s song, the song still works, if not more so.

My boss is getting the whole team a license to kill, hoping that we’ll Bond.

wife: its ruining date night
me: its ruining date night because you’re letting it ruin date night
hitchhiker: just drop me off on the corner

I’m likely to die of a household accident. I’m certain a spider will be involved.

Thinking it’s a not a good thing when the pizza delivery guy knows my dog by name.

Coworker: By your age I was on my 3rd child already.
Me: Wow that’s a lot of kids to eat in a such a short period of time.

Ooh, sorry, I totally misunderstood what you meant by “Come at me, bro”.

I’ll get you a towel.

I learned all my flirting from lizards so I just do a bunch of really fast pushups when I see a cute lizard.

Them: Pleasure to meet you.

Me: Give it time.

Took my 6 y/o daughter to a college football game and my dream of turning her into a fan quickly faded when she asked to go home in the first quarter because “we just watched this game on TV last week.”

MOM: Would you like some spaghetti before your big rap battle, sweetie?

EMINEM: That sounds wonderful, thanks Mom

Stop screaming. Lots of people rub their eyes with toes.

Is “oppressive” too harsh or do I just stick with “hostile work environment”?

I was told “you’re not my Dad anymore” and I’m updating my resume.