7: Mom can I tell you the longest dream I had?
Me: Why don’t you write it down so I can absorb it? But first tell Dad.
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There’s nothing quite like a family gathering to remind you of why they’re so infrequent.
I’m going to start eating healthy again so I need to eat this half of a leftover cake to get it out of the house.
Doctors say eating a piece of Bacon takes 9 mins off your life…if my math is correct i died in 1781
Not to brag but I run faster than the speed of light.
My tortoise’s name is Speed of Light.
Planning sweet revenge on my wife: Once she’s napping, I’m gonna burn the shit out of some popcorn
me: did you have fun on your playdate?
my 9yo: yes, but that was the wrong Logan. Next week can I have a playdate with the Logan who’s my friend?
Parenting pro-tip: don’t own nice shit.
The gorilla and I maintain eye contact, separated by only an inch of glass.
He scratches his head… I scratch mine.
He touches his chest… I touch mine.
He shits in his hand… my wife drags me away.
If evolution is real then why aren’t hammerhead sharks nail gun head sharks yet?
Imagine how expensive the iPhone would be if they called themselves Organic Apple.
*wakes up drenched in sweat*
WAS BINGO THE FARMER OR THE DOG?
my son referred to me as “the 6 dwarfs” because I’m “everything except happy,” and honestly I’m not even mad, that was amazing
my 15 yo doesn’t understand why he gets diarrhea after he eats only Pepperoni sandwiches, ramen noodles and 37 pizza bagels every day. It’s a real damn mystery.
I’m not gullible enough to be lured into a cult but I am nosy enough
Eating Tums is just sage-burning for your intestines.
It might sound childish, but when my wife pisses me off, I dry my hands on the towels that “are just for decoration”
inside you are two wolves
“He’s probably more afraid of you than you are of him,” I say, as a kodiak bear mauls my friend Jeff.
I’m at my creepiest when I see a drunk chick crying outside of a bar and just think ‘bingo
Her: Well, I don’t want to look a gift horse in the mouth…
Me: Then don’t floss in a mirror.
It was only a three dollar bottle of Chardonnay, but we partied like it was $19.99
I just want someone to miss me the way my 3 year old nephew misses me when I go to the washroom.
Me: *stumbles in front of boss at work*
Boss: haha have a nice trip, see you in the fall
Me: *takes 8 month vacation*
Luke: Lightsabers cut through anything.
Ninja: So does a samurai sword.
L: But does it make a cool noise?
N: *cuts off Luke’s other hand*
Airports should have tattoo parlors for those of us with long layovers and poor impulse control
One time when my 10yo was 18 months I took him to the library for story time and he rolled his toy car under a bookcase and yelled “oh shit”. The lady stopped reading and everyone turned to look at me and I didn’t go back to story time at the library again
I named a large spider I saw today in my bedroom “Cotton Eye Joe” because Where’d you come from. Where’d you go.
I sleep better naked…why can’t the flight attendant understand this?
[ordering from the dollar menu]
me: hi i’ll have 7 dollars please
Most days I wish I were an octopus so I could slap 8 people at once.