Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“Haha! That’s ridic-” Bill started to say, but his words trailed off as an heirloom sprang from behind a tree, sinking its fangs deep into his neck.

I have eaten the
11 bags
of 5 organic
gummy bears
and blamed the child I was babysitting

forgive me

they were so smol
and so mush
and I couldn’t stop
and now the internet
knows all

Some of these fake tans look like an old Tupperware container that’s had marinara sauce in it.

A new rule at the office is if you cry you get sent home. Anyways, I can’t stop crying.

My grandparents worked hard to make sure their kids had everything and I’m working hard and not having kids to make sure I keep everything.

MY LAST MEAL ON DEATH ROW WILL BE RICE CAKES CAUSE THEY NEVER FILL ME UP AND I’LL JUST KEEP EATING UNTIL ALL THE GUARDS DIE

Always keep your head up and stand proud! That way your double chin won’t show in your pictures.

[Looking out the window]

Me: I don’t understand this show.

My washing machine at noon: “I will gently wash these clothes.”

My washing machine at midnight: “I WILL WASH THE HELL OUT OF THESE CLOTHES!!”

[optometrist interrupts me] the bigger letters aren’t louder

This old man is Lloyd. He spends his time Lloydering.

Having one bathroom in your house teaches you that it is possible to hate a person because of a bathroom.

[1st date]

So, what’s your back story?

“I have scoliosis”

No, I mean your BACK STORY, like your history

“Oh! I got scoliosis as a child”

Turn that Robert Frowney Jr upside Downey Jr.

Parenting is cheering on your kid’s winning softball team all weekend and then cheering on the Sunday rain for cancelling the rest of the games.

You should be tunashamed of yourself!

Me: I was watching Sixth Sense when my house got burgled

Cop: Ok tell me everything that happened

[10 mins later]
Cop: holy shit he was dead the whole time?!

I’ve decided that my go to from now on will be

“Sorry my house is a mess my husband is out of town”

They don’t need to know that it’s like this no matter what.

One night stands just make more sense for single people. Why would you need a night stand on both sides of the bed?

This summer on ABC. In a dog eat dog world. We’re gonna see who can eat the most dogs

Jeff Bezos inches closer to becoming Pitbull

Lunch dates with spouses perplex me. I’ll just see you later at home for free.

ME: long time no see! I heard you’re a doctor

FRIEND: I am. what do you do now?

ME: [glances down at open twitter app] I’m a writer

9 yo: Mom, please don’t put cheese in my lunch today.

Me: Too late. Havarti packed it.

9 yo: MOM

I’ve got so much respect for Jack White calling his song “seven nation army”, mentioning the seven nation army in the first line and then never saying another thing about them

Very sad to hear about Nigel Farage. Nothing’s happened to him, I’m just sad to hear about him.

ME: Good morning
TODDLER: I don’t want to be a mermaid. I want to be a shark with legs.

COP: Do you know why I pulled you over?

COW: Was I speeding?

COP: No

COW: Is it because I’m a c–

COP: It’s because you’re a cow.

Daddy! Tell me a story..

The Tooth Fairy is really a wicked witch, who takes all your teeth if you sleep with your mouth open.

Good night.

People who say having a dog is nothing like having kids have obviously never been to one of my dog’s piano recitals.