Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“I’ll worry about it next time”

– me pissing off future me

My daughter has an arch nemesis and I recently found a list of ideas she titled “get even”, and while we’re gonna have to rule out “eat his lunch” and “glue his hair” I think we can work with “beat him at football”

It still hurts that my parents never came to any of my violin recitals. I never bought their flimsy excuses, like “You’ve never had any lessons” and “You don’t even have a violin” and “That’s a banjo and a stick.”

Welcome to middle age.

Only one nostril works

11yo ceremoniously hands me a handmade birthday card she spent hours on.
13yo just as pleased with himself hands me the card he gave me already on mother’s day

Therapist: You have an addictive personality
Me: I think you’re pretty great too

You never see a church with free wifi. I guess because no church wants to compete with an invisible power that actually works.

Sure I could get off the couch & put new batteries in this remote but instead I am going to hold it high above my head & at different angles

gf: that guy hit on me, show him who’s boss

me: *whispering to guy* she is

Finally watched Pulp Fiction with my kid, but fast forwarded thru the parts she’s not ready for… best 27 seconds we’ve spent together recently.

This lady on the train has that raspy, cigarette, alcohol, at death’s door kinda voice. I’ma see if she’ll record my voice mail message.

Breaking news:

You’ll never say “wrong hole” more often than when you’re trying to help a toddler put on gloves.

Stranger: I’m going to punch you in the face now

Me: Please don’t

Stranger: It’s on sale 🥰

Me: Omg 3 please

Here is my toddler homeschooling schedule. Any questions?

8-10am: frozen
10-12pm: frozen 2
*lunch*
1-3: frozen
3-5:frozen 2
*dinner*
6-8pm: frozen
*bed*

Cows are looking at us hoarding toilet paper and thinking that we must all have Mad Human Disease.

NASA just received data from 47-year old Voyager 1, which is 15 billion miles from earth. My daughter, who is 34 and lives six miles from me, still hasn’t returned my text.

why is the debate at night time. let’s get this thing started at 4pm. i don’t need to get riled up so close to bedtime.

Alex: A ship that has sunk

What is my relationship?

Alex: No sorry tha-

[glares at wife] I’ll take YOU RUINED MY LIFE KAREN for $800 Alex

the pigeons are already plenty salty

Nobody is more drunk with power than a 6-year-old telling Alexa to do anything.

The Internet wins again..👇👇🤣🤣🤣👏👏

I take it personally when I let a car cut in front of me and then they immediately get into another lane. Come back you are with me now.

anti-tattoo people saying “my body’s a temple” like they wouldn’t worship at a temple that had an enormous mural of a tiger fighting a cobra

*puts my mental health in rice

It turns out the line is longer for the home office bathroom.

7yo: You can’t say that, you’ll go to hell and turn into a devil!

4yo: And I will still be cooler than you!

[at oceanside seafood restaurant]

Me: Is the fish fresh here?

Waiter: Yes

*from the kitchen, a fish blows me a kiss & waves seductively*

When you’re feeling nice so you stop and get a couple dozen donuts for your crew. But then you gotta leave em in your car until the gravy sucking ingrate non reciprocating 1st shift crew goes home so your crew can actually eat them.

Judge: you’re guilty of inventing the word ‘liarish’

Me: you can’t be seriousful