7: mom look I got my math test back!
me: you got 35 out of 35 that’s 100% im so proud of you!
7: cool, so 35 and 35 is 100?
me: …like I said, said proud…
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When you’re single and decide to go out for dinner on Valentine’s Day.
These kids today have it made. When I was growing up and there was a natural disaster, we’d have to go outside and spread our misinformation in person.
8yo me: i wanta be a paleontologist when i grow up
28yo me: (sifting through cat litter) oh look, a quarter!
Therapist: so your parents also suffered from depression?
Me: no they both liked it
My mom asked me a question and when I went to answer she said, “Hold on I can’t hear you. I gotta turn on the light.” The dark was too loud?
Women shouldn’t work outside the home. It’s STEVE Jobs, not EVE Jobs.
count to ten before showing someone that “funny” video
[first time picking up the tab]
her: don’t forget to leave a tip
me: ah yes *scribbles ‘don’t do drugs’ on receipt*
cowgirl so I can see the light fade from his eyes when I ask if he’d still love me if I was a worm.
DOCTOR: “How do you feel about taking medication?”
ME: “Uh, fine, I guess… but usually, I just pay for it.”
In case you were looking for a sign to lock your car doors – this is it
“I’d make an awesome president. Give me a problem, any problem.”
“Um, population control?”
“Kill all the storks. BOOM!”
I’m putting salt in this mustard and I’m calling it Saline Dijon and you can’t stop me
A fun thing about having kids is how they ask for help with their homework.
On the way to school.
You can’t make me happy, mate. You’re not a family sized packet of salty sweet popcorn.
birds: it’s so peaceful this morning
birds: maybe too peaceful
birds: let’s all scream at once
Me: I’ve decided to be a mermaid so I can sing and swim all day and have a coconut phone
Him: But, you hate coconut?
Me. Why the hell would I eat my coconut phone? Ugh. It’s like you don’t even understand reality.
Under the age of one, babies primarily drink milk, but may supplement their diet with all the crumbs they find on the floor even though you swear you just vacuumed.
Me: We should set up a play date
Hot dad at park: You have a kid?
Me: No, I said WE should
BT: “You’ve been prequalified for a low interest credit card!”
BR: “pass”BT: “Would you be interested in refinancing a loan?”
BR: “No thanks.”Bank Teller: “What color lollipop would you like today?”
Bank Robber: “JUST PUT THE MONEY IN THE BAG!”
I told a joke to my boss and he must have found it really funny because now I get to tell it to HR.
*Tim Burton slams hands on table*
WTF DO U MEAN THERE ARE OTHER ACTORS BESIDES JOHNNY DEPP & MY WIFE
*turns to Depp*
HOW LONG HAVE U KNOWN
I missed a swipe when shaving my legs and now my leg has a mohawk
With trump being a potential candidate I feel like the Simpsons are sitting on their couch watching an episode of us
ME [first and last day working at Supercuts]: *styles everyone’s hair like Dog the Bounty Hunter*
When a cop asks if you know why you were pulled over, respond, “I’m actually not allowed to discuss the details of the case”
I use awkward numerical range description anywhere between 13 and 4 times a day.
imagine your card gets declined at church and god dies