Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

First rule of Botox club:

Nobody look surprised when someone new joins.

“You’ll never get the butt you want by sitting on the one you have.”
-Maya Angelou

Hot chick without makeup: her beauty is so effortless & carefree

Me without makeup: why is that very sick grandma not in a home

Camp Detective: [struggling to get out of a hammock] I suppose you’re all – ugh – I suppose you’re all wondering – mmmmph! Goddamit – why I called you here toda- no! Don’t help me I CAN DO IT

My wife has close friends whose husbands are notably worse than me and I highly recommend this arrangement

playing my favorite songs that no ones enjoying but me

I don’t see what the big deal is with vaccinating your kids. My mom vaccinated me plenty and I turned out shapes.

Sorry I looked completely surprised that your baby didn’t burst into flames when I chanted The Power Of Christ Compels You.

So apparently a neighborhood watch is not watching bad stuff happen to your neighbor’s home & then taking a nap

Trains should still have a caboose, if you stop to watch it go by you should be rewarded with a good ending

Person: “Are you in a wheelchair in your dreams?”

Me [from my wheelchair]: “Are you stupid in yours?”

A seller on Amazon just paid me for a 5 star review. I feel guilty. Don’t listen to me if you’re checking out the Emotional Support Pizza Blanket

Nice tots you got there. Be a shame if someone tatered em.

women will invite you to shower with them then cook you alive with a temperature of water you didn’t know existed

I don’t think this is talked about enough but Airbnbs have led to there being too many cushions in the world.

I’m like Helen of Troy. Not in the sense of being breathtakingly beautiful, but in the sense of pissing people off and starting wars

I will let someone cut the line I’m waiting in, but only if they let me braid their hair from behind.

Wouldn’t it be great to be a dog or a cat so you could just walk up to people whenever you wanted & lay down beside them & demand they pet you all over your body – not just when you’re really drunk out in public?

Shouldn’t octopus apendages be called eightacles?

death: it’s your time

me: in my dying era

death: what

me: going ghost mode

death: stop

my roomba is carrying a beer around the house and eating chips off the floor just like me

I used to blame all my problems on my parents, but now that I’m a grown up, I have come to terms with the fact that when bad things happen to me, it’s probably just that Mercury’s in retrograde again.

A restaurant called Grandma’s House where the wait staff greets you by saying you hardly call anymore and no matter how full you are they always make you eat more than you want

*at the pharmacy*
I WOULD LIKE THE PILLS THAT ALLOW ME TO CONTROL BIRTH
*pharmacist blinks*
GIVE THEM TO ME, SORCERER

Hey, people who solicit a response via text conversation then disappear for hours, I got one thing to say to you…

WAITER: whaddaya have?

DADDY: go ahead son, tell the nice man what you want to eat

TODDLER: *extreme slingblade voice* you got any o’them french fried puhtaters? mmhmm

“Wow! Go show your mommy!” -what I say to any child talking to me for more than 11 seconds.

No one makes more observations than a child sharing a stall with his mother inside a public restroom.

Judge: plz tell the court what happened

Victim: he attacked me with this! [holds up pasta strainer]

Judge: that doesn’t hold any water

Accidentally drew my eyebrows on too dark and thick and now I live on Sesame Street with Ernie.