Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

my doctor just told me I’ll never be able to play the xylophone ever again in his office

I’m taking a group of 9yos to the water park today. My wife said “just try not to lose any of em” if you’re wondering about her confidence in my parenting skills.

Anyway if anyone’s seen a boy in sponge bob swim trunks please let me know thanks.

[childbirth]
her: omg its agony
me: i thought we agreed on tiffany

sometimes I feel sad and then sometimes I go get an apple pie and vanilla soft serve from McDonald’s and mush them together so I can be fat and sad

[White House]
Any ideas on how to defeat ISIS?
*Biden excitedly raises hand*
Besides assembling the Avengers.
*Biden dejectedly lowers hand*

The guy at the gym said rest days are really important, so I’ve been resting for 6 years.

I wonder if clouds ever look down on us and say “Hey look…that one is shaped like an idiot”.

Trying to figure out the exact number of food pieces that need to be in water to make it go from being gross to being soup.

I offer kid $1 to do a chore. He sticks dollar in pocket. I get dollar back on laundry day.

Lather. Rinse. Repeat!

Judging by all the cracking and popping noises my body makes when I work out, I’d say I’m about 74% Rice Krispies.

I just want everyone to know that my two-year old insisted on being “pants” for Halloween…

Dating a guy with big hands is the best, at any time I can say “Babe, can you hold these 72 doll heads?”

And he can, he can hold them all.

me: my dog won’t stop laughing at me

vet: this is a hyena

My iPhone no longer recognizes my Face ID.

Come on Apple, it’s like 5 pounds. 10 max.

[Police sketch artist job interview]
“How am I not qualified?”
Your resume is a stick figure and a poorly drawn igloo
“It’s a cat actually”

Mom: I called you bc I was watching a TV show & thought of you!
Me: Ya? What show?
My Mom (laughing): A show about Aliens!

Very funny Mom!

Twitter is perfect for extroverted introverts. I want to be social & have lots of friends but I don’t want to leave my house. Or wear pants.

Sometimes I’ll purposely spill gravy
on my pants to give me an excuse
to leave early.
The real trick is sneaking the gravy
into church.

Van Gone

Snakes are refusing to fly on Boeing Max planes.

My circle of trust is a meatball

Being fluent in Spanish is all fun and games until you’re put in a professional setting and all you know is Spanish del rancho

ACME gave a credit card to Wile E. Coyote with no credit history, just so he could capture a bird. This is why banks need to be regulated.

I was arrested last Halloween. Apparently it’s illegal to chase someone yelling, Touch me! Even if they are dressed as the Grim Reaper.

My parents and in-laws are visiting for the weekend. Whose around for a consensual kidnapping of me until Monday?

Person is typing…
Person is typing…
Person is typing…
Person is typing…
Person is typing…
Person is typing…
Person says: hi

What’s the etiquette for showing up to a party you weren’t invited to? Should I bring dip or??

This fish is cracking me up

5: if you take a shortcut in a food maze, it’s not cheating it’s eating

. No Shoes
No Shirt
No Problem
Welcome To Walmart.