Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Woke up to my 8 year old daughter in bed instead of my wife and for a split second, I thought my wife got Benjamin Button-ed.

People whose TL is only quotes from famous people—You do realize you’re not a desk calendar, right?

when you’re trying to sneak out and grab the amazon package first thing in the morning but your neighbor spots you

Boss: Where’s the progress report I asked u for
Me: I haven’t made any progress that’s my report

What I imagine it’d be like if I had a job

My favorite part of yard work is running over a toy with the lawnmower and watching it shoot across the yard. Never gets old

I watch people through binoculars as a hobby, but the cops call it a felony…

I never knew those were synonyms.

Me: *getting off the couch*
I’ll be right back.

Dog: I would really feel more comfortable if we went together.

Bread as a loaf, bread as a bowl. Bread as a slice or bread as a roll. Bread is delicious, it is a fact. Whoopi’s best movie was Sister Act.

tweeting shouldn’t cost money but it should flip you on your back like a bug for 15 minutes

Everyone pointing out that it’s suspicious how many AI tools are free, it’s because building a tech company these days 100% revolves around giving people your product for free/at an extreme discount until they forget how to function without it, then closing the jaws of the trap

me: i’m late

boss: again?

me: it’s yours

M: I just can’t find the words.

H: She’s kidding, give her a minute.

Me: “Get me a newspaper.”Friend: “Don’t be silly. Here. Borrow my iPad.” Poor spider never knew what hit it.

If I worked in a tollbooth, every time someone asked me how my day was going I’d say “IT’S REALLY TAKING A TOLL” and then laugh maniacally.

So Beyonce had a strict diet prepping for Coachella..no dairy, no carbs, no alcohol, no meat, no fish, and no sugar. I know some women with that same diet prepping for a wedding. You are marrying a guy name Dan who eats chicken pot pie at diners, ya’ll can have some bread.

Nothing in a household is said more lovingly than, “Can you bring me some toilet paper?”

A hypnotist made me believe I was a bendable metal with an atomic number of 82. I’m easily lead.

Apparently ‘gravy’ is not an acceptable answer to the question, “What would you like to drink with your meal?”.

My girlfriend was bitten by a chicken. Now every full moon I’ll have to date a were-chicken.

Me: You’re SURE you know how to cut hair?

Wife: I told you I watched a YouTube video

Video games don’t cause violence, but they do teach you that it’s important to always loot the corpse.

My favorite thing to do when my grandkids visit is to bake a big batch of fresh cookies.

Then I eat them all by myself.

Screw those kids.

That awkward moment when someone says “stop”, and you don’t know whether to respond with “collaborate and listen” or “hammer time.”

I feel like Trump and Hillary are two divorced parents fighting over custody of us but we kinda just wanna go live with grandma.

saw a garbage truck with the tagline “our business stinks, but it’s picking up!” pretty good imo.

Cop: You there! Hands over your head!
Me: *raises hands*
*30 avocados fall out of shirt*
Cop: Holy guacamole!

When someone tries to tell me they can’t do something, I’m like “you ever hear of the Power of Grayskull?”

My Body: we’re hungover

Me: but I didn’t drink anything

My Body: I don’t make the rules

THERAPIST: what brings you in today?

ME: sharks lack the ability to hug.

THERAPIST: *starts to cry*