Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Before coffee: Annoyed by everything.

After coffee: Annoyed by everything but with the energy to complain about it.

There are usually two types of merchants.

accidentally put my phone on airplane mode when i was in my car and the tires fell off

Been walking like an Egyptian and need to visit a Cairopractor.

job interviewer: what’s your greatest weakness

me: that I need money. imagine if I was adequately funded? my god. the carnage

Why does Jehovah need so many witnesses?
Sounds like a pretty shady dude to me.

You’re not allowed to say “long story short” after talking for 30 minutes.

-gestures to everything in the Garage-

Me- THESE ARE MY TOOLS AND I AM THEIR KING!!!

Wife- YOU’RE a tool

Me- DAMN RIGHT I AM
Wait..what?

I follow ripped guys around the grocery store and just buy what they buy

jesus take the wheel, my smartwatch is telling me it’s time to stand up

Once in my life I’d like a password or username prompt to be all, “Shit you’ve almost got it. You’re getting closer.”

*Jesus multiplies a loaf of bread for the masses*

From the back: Actually I’m gluten free now.

Jesus: ughhh, someone get me a fish

DAD: Look at this mess! Are you trying to attract ants?

ME: [bench pressing 10x my weight] Did they say something?

Time magazine should have a Worst Person of the Year

[intercom]
Please stop putting clown shoes on the sacrificial goat. The ritual is in 3 days & the other cults aren’t taking us seriously.

My daughter just maintained eye contact while stuffing her face with the last of my chocolate stash and my husband said “oh shit” and picked her up and took her into the other room but he won’t always be here to protect her

Mad cow disease wears off and eventually you’re just tired with a cow disease.

My 7-year-old asked if people still need to go to the dentist in Heaven so I told her the truth, dentists don’t go to Heaven.

ME: can I buy u a drink

HER: I’ll take a rain check

ME: mmm that sounds good [to bartender] 2 rain checks, please

Ghost Hunting Camera: *shows me standing unnaturally still for 2 hours*

Me: *deep breath and picks up phone* Hi! I’d like to place order me a pizza? SHIT *click*

What base is it when he watches you fall off your barstool with a mouthful of loaded fries?

Any time a car with its hazards on passes me, I panic thinking I’ve wandered into a funeral procession and now I have to lie to a dead stranger’s family.

When people show up unexpectedly for dinner:

Tonight we have slow boiled hot dog sat upon Dempsters bun with a tomato puree beside carrot sticks and crispy potato patty garnished with strawberry slices

Men, I’m going to let you in on a secret.

When us ladies go to the restroom, the very first thing we do is look deeply into the mirror and try to summon Bloody Mary. I don’t make the rules, it’s a fact. Second fact, ghosts are scary. So yeah, we go to the restroom in groups.

What was the main bloke called in Harry Potter

Doctor: your body has run out of magnesium

Me: 0mg

Tried to shop at the plagiarism store, unfortunately they only take credit.

This Kit Kat commercial is making some awfully big assumptions about both my generosity and number of friends.

The lifeboat dilemma: the guy everyone wants to kill isn’t the one they want to eat.

I always thought it was socially acceptable to mop up gravy with a piece of bread, but apparently it has to be “your plate” and you have to “have clothes on”.