Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If we’re together and you lose track of me, just follow the line of croissant crumbs right on back.
And you may be thinking, “But Katie, you weren’t even eating a croissant when I lost you…”
Trust me.

You’re not impressing anyone, server who didn’t write down our orders. You’re just making us anxious.

Do not, and I can’t stress this enough, drink half a bottle of Irish whiskey and then make the completely rational assumption that you could cut your own hair.

We have friends coming from the Netherlands. My 8yo kept asking if their kids have grown. We couldn’t understand why she was fixated on this.

Neverland. She thought they were from Neverland.

“Oh my gosh, this is the biggest donut I’ve ever seen.”
“Mam, that’s a tire.”
“Kids, get me a napkin.”

pretty jealous of bears. they’re like, “well, just ate my entire weight in salmon, now I’m gonna sleep for 6 months. smell ya later, hater”

The last 3 minutes of any podcast could all be confessions to murder and we’d never know

I made the mistake of telling my son he should think of some game ideas we could work on and now he wants to know why the project is behind schedule

The people who got clotheslined by a landline phone cord

Asa Mitaka
@Kursed___
Who is your target audience when you tweet?

Where’s my cell?

“Right there.”

That’s not my phone.

“Yes it is. I cleaned it!”

My cell’s white?

Two hundred dollars for a women’s blazer?? Am I paying it to do the work for me??

how to beat an egg:
– literally pick any game you want, they dont even have hands

can we all find some common ground and just agree that if anything should be illegal it’s 1ply toilet paper

“Where do you see yourself in 5 lives?” (Dalai Lama job interview)

Grooming tip:
Cut your toenails every 2 to 24 weeks whether they need it or not.

I’m starting to think some of these Marvel movies might be made up.

Football is so cute it’s like some guys are like we’re gonna get you and one guys like no no no no

It’s funny how all those “best places in the world” lists always forget to include the Internet.

My wife is:
1) Am amazing mom and a great friend
2) Still the most beautiful girl I’ve ever been with
3) Now following me on Twitter

My dog sure barks a lot for someone who needs a pep talk during thunderstorms

Toilet won’t stop throwing up. I didn’t know it was Legos intolerant. SEND HELP THIS IS NOT A DRILL

Nothing to do, you say?

[blood donor clinic]

dracula: can i order a pint please?

my phone, crying: ..pleaSe… I have no space…. delete some photos… I’m begGing you….

me: *hits download*

WIFE: You can’t tell kids they’re grounded anymore
ME: Why not?
W: They weren’t our kids
M: You did see how badly they packed our groceries?

I have to ugly cry for the facial recognition to work.

i don’t want fries. i want YOUR fries.

Cobra’s try and act tough by wearing a hoodie

My son asked what it was like to be a parent so I begged him to make me chicken nuggets and then held on to his leg so he couldn’t move.

a talented computer hacker can bring down any man, no matter how rich or powerful, by smashing him over the head with a brick