Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Don’t tell me where I go when I die, I want it to be a surprise

My dog thinks her entire family was murdered by a hula hoop, there’s just no other explanation.

I wore a Not All Who Wander Are Lost t-shirt to church, and they still asked what I was doing in the fellowship pantry during services.

fireman: where is fire

me: in my heart, i love y-

fireman: [pulls out firehose] brace yourself this is gonna hurt

The average person eats 35,000 cookies before they die.

I think it would take far less if you tried to do that amount in one sitting.

If I could sing like Janis Joplin I’d be able to sing my children a lullaby before bed and yell at them to go to bed at the same time.

My wife just confessed that for her entire childhood she thought Colonel Sanders’ bow tie was his whole body and now I can’t stop seeing a tiny stick body every time I look at him.

In the United States a man gets kicked in the groin every 6.2 seconds. I would hate to be that man.

ok kids, this is a smoke detector, if you hear it beeping change the battery, if it’s still beeping, check to see if ur on fire

gonna make a bumper sticker for my car that says “MY KID IS SMARTER THAN YOU’RE KID” just to troll the grammar nazis behind me

What has three thumbs and wishes his mom did not participate in that medical study

I saw a product for cars today called “Rapid Odor Removal,” and everyone who buys it should be put on an FBI watchlist.

Any man that dates me better have my beer ready when I get home like my cats do

The closest I’ll ever come to performing in the circus is standing on a swivel chair trying to reach the vodka I told my friend to hide.

[hurls martini into roaring fireplace] WHO TOLD MY DAD ABOUT THE INTERNET

BOSS: how’s your wife?
ME: still totally not fake
BOSS: what
ME: what

My husband likes to watch The Bachelorette and I like to stare at him when he does

Who called it a scale and not a weigh of life?

Gonna start passive aggressively sending herbal teas. Oh yes, I thought you’d enjoy it it’s for brain fog.

Fat chances are my favorite chances

[Twister]
DOG 1: left paw green
DOG 2: i told u this was a terrible idea
DOG 1: cmon Jim just pick the green one
DOG 2: THEYRE ALL GREY GARY

I put my baby picture as my what’s app picture and my mum called me to ask who that was ¿

ME: I’m going to start a blog.
FRIEND: Ugh. Blogs are so narcissistic. I just talked about that on my podcast.

Remember to practice self-care: Take a walk, meditate, try yoga, paint a picture, murder someone, burn a body, clean a crime scene…

My oldest made us all breakfast this morning, then got mad when his little brother didn’t finish the meal he had worked so hard to create.

I think I’m on to something here…

that’s it, I’m firing that gardener

left my toddler unsupervised with a bottle of glitter glue

Unicorns: *just jabbing holes in everything*

Noah: nope.

Millennials are so spoilt with their smartphones & tablets. All we had at their age was the ability to buy property in Central London.

My favorite pirate song is “Aye of the Tiger”