7: Momma, I need $10
Me: Why?
7: I can’t tell you.
Me: Then I can’t give it to you.
7: (sigh) Fine, it’s for a deal I made at school.
Me: A deal!?
7: (big sigh) I’m bringing money, Carson is giving me toys.
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Saying no thanks to a CW’s offer to hit me with their car so I could take the day off proves decisions shouldn’t be made before coffee
Just enjoy your meal and DO NOT think about where that turkey baster has been.
me: I’m cold can I wear your hoodie
grim reaper: no
Just realized my cat could be covered in tattoos and I wouldn’t even know.
I was nerding out to a friend over something Harry Potter related in the pub and now the bartender keeps asking me “what can I get you, Gryffindork?”
boss: I’m sorry but we have to let you go
me: you’re cancelling me?
boss: I mean, we’re firing you??
me: wow… so this is what cancel culture feels like on the other side
boss: you stabbed Gary in the parking lot after his shift
Innocent until proven guilty? Well, guess I won’t show up to court
It was just that one time that autocorrect changed mourning to mounting, but never again would my wife ask me to write the eulogy for one of her elderly relatives.
My mind is like a sponge.
It spends most of its time in filthy places.
Sex so good the neighbors make you sandwiches.
{If autocorrect was a person}
ME: I think that’s right.
AUTOCORRECT: It’s not.
ME: Then what is it?
AUTOCORRECT: I don’t know, dude. Aubergine?
ME: You think I meant aubergine?
AUTOCORRECT: Look, I know literally all of the words, and that was none of them. Maybe this is on you.
Thanks for sharing your moon with me on Instagram. We don’t have a moon where I live.
toddler *hands me a bag of chips*
me *opens it* *gives it back to him* *resumes showering*
Child: I’m full.
Me: Okay.
Child: Can I have dessert?
Me: What? You just said you were full.
Child: Yeah, full of THIS.
how to exercise your calf muscles
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Every time I cross the border into Canada they search my car with a fine tooth comb.
Maybe I should take off the “Honk if you love the Taliban” bumper sticker.
Reviews of Hogwarts
⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“The very best school of wizarding and witchcraft”⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“Great teachers, superb quidditch field”⭐☆☆☆☆
“At least one student dies every year”
date catches me googling “how to hamburger” when she asks if i can cook
I could survive 3 months in the wilderness with the contents of a woman’s purse and a pocket knife.
I’m won’t try to steal your man but I might try to steal your sandwich
How to be a Canadian:
1) Love hockey
2) Use good manners
3) Drink Tim Hortons
4) Live in a igloo
5) Hunt moose with stick
The Hobbit 4:
Bilbo’s relatives auction off his stuff
Bilbo puts on his ring
One by one, his relatives die under mysterious circumstances
A lady in a BMW pulled up to me on my bike to ask if it was hot out, and now my goal is to be so rich I can’t feel weather.
[high school]
Parents: we’re so proud of you for not doing drugs
Me [literally does not even know where I could find an drug if I wanted one]: thank
Woah!!! You’re a much fatter family than the stick figures on your rear window would indicate!
I don’t know you well so I’m sorry I called you a dink and not the more formal dinkus.
“No! YOU’RE plastered!!!”
-me, drunk, walking into a wall
Don’t tell a lactose intolerant girl you’ll “rearrange her guts” you’re not doing anything to her a glass of milk can’t do
When life gives you lemons maybe think to yourself, “that’s really quite remarkable given how far I live from a climate capable of growing citrus.”