Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

help keep the English language alive by teaching your kids nearly outdated expressions
Plus nothing beats a 5yo pointing & yelling “BEHOLD!”

My wife claims watching me do karate “isn’t foreplay.” Why am I even alive.

Plays “In Your Eyes” on the kazoo outside your window, dressed like a potato.

Brit 1:
“They’ve… just stepped away from their desk for a minute, can I take a message?”

Translation: They’re staring straight at me.

Brit 2:
“Yes, when they get back can you let them know I’ve called?”

Translation: I know they’re still at their desk.

The kids were asking me what time they were all born and I said the youngest was born at 1:29am, and they all agreed that it must have been nice that she just came out while I was sleeping.

My son lying to his little sister so she isn’t sad about a movie ending reminds me this year has brought them so much closer together and also kids will lie about anything

My dad: See, when you said you’d met a “special someone” we thought…

Me: Go on.

My dad:

Me: [taking hold of the penguin’s flipper] GO ON.

my husband and I were running from a demon who was trying to kill us (in a video game) and I was about to die bc I couldn’t find a hiding spot but then my husband gave me his hiding spot and the demon killed him instead of me and I was like omg babe noo and then I looted his body

I have always wanted to do this 😭😭

[Conditioning my hair in the shower]

Me: *rings bell*

My hair: *salivates*

Much to my 12yo son’s horror, I just sang along to Ace of Base’s “The Sign” at full volume in a van full of his friends. Being a dad is fun!

“You’re tattoos will look bad when you’re older”
So will the rest of me, what’s your point?

Remember back when we had energy? Those were the days.

“Mrs. Doubtfire” is my favorite movie about a messy custody battle that gives way to horribly illegal and creepy transgendered stalking.

Therapist: We must remove our masks and express our true selves
Yoga instructor: True
Nutritionist: So wise
Raccoon: This is bullshit, Alan

It’s ok Apple users, I just woke up and found a surprise Nickelback album on my BlackBerry.

Just say no

I just saw a guy put a hamburger between 2 pancakes so I proposed on the spot and he just said “no” so he’s obviously the smartest man alive

*Now with 50 percent less fat*

Me: ooooh *buys two*

Tried this new Playlist in the car, on the treadmill, at my desk, but it seems the best place for me to listen to old Greenday is 1992.

I started to clean house this evening, but my cat talked me into taking a nap.

HER: I’m leaving you
ME: But why?
HER: There’s just no chemistry between us anymore
CHEMISTRY: Wow, I’m like right here

DOCTOR: This man needs blood!
DRACULA: And this man needs soup!
WAITER: Why do you two order like this?

Me: Another bucket of wine please.
Waiter: You mean a new bottle in an ice bucket?
Me: No.

me: are we there yet? are we there yet? are we there yet?

cop: if you don’t shut up I’ll turn this car around and none of us are going to jail

Marriage is pretty great except for the part where you have to learn how to read minds.

– dinner –

Kid 1: finishes in 18.4 seconds
Kid 2: finishes in 34.7 seconds
Kid 3: finishes in 5 hours 29 minutes

Me: I want a serious long term relationship
Literally anyone: Hey I’m interested in you!
Me: *shivers* better hide in bed for 6 months.

recently at a party i overheard someone start a sentence with “i actually remember being born” and i just put down my drink and left

Did give Husband a haircut after three cocktails, but he thinks it looks great because three cocktails.